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I've not sure I've ever really argued with my wife, even though we've had difference of opinion on things. I haven't really seen my parents argue, or her parent

by rconti 6y ago

I've not sure I've ever really argued with my wife, even though we've had difference of opinion on things. I haven't really seen my parents argue, or her parents argue. I don't really get why people seek out conflict and blame. It just seems unhealthy all around. Some people thrive on conflict, though. They like to argue. They like to blame, to engage. Or at least, they NEED to, even if they don't like it. Or maybe one partner seeks out conflict, and the other one hates it. But, ultimately, I think arguing is a choice. One could argue that partnering young leads to more issues because it doesn't allow you to form an individual identity. On the other hand, it could strengthen your bond because your identities were built together. Partnering late in life, when you don't "need" each other leads to less dependency; but it could also lead to the partners finding it just as easy to get rid of each other.

eloff 6y ago
I find most of the time when couples say they don't argue, the real reason is one is a doormat that let's the other get their way all the time. There's not much to argue about in that case. I don't want to say that's the case with you, as I know nothing of your marriage. It's just an observation.
- cecilpl2 6y ago
  That's what my first marriage was like. I told myself it was a great relationship because we never argued, but really I just deferred to her on every decision and went out of my way to avoid any conflict.
  - eloff 6y ago
    I'm glad to hear the qualifier "first" used in that case. Hope things are better for you now.
- rconti 6y ago
  I think that's fair. In our particular case, we're both pretty obliging people, and it works. If I was in a relationship with someone who was a 'taker', maybe I would have a hard time pushing back.
saltcured 6y ago
I don't really understand how you define "argue" such that you can completely avoid it while still admitting differences of opinion... To me, argument is functionally synonymous with the life-cycle of disagreement/resolution/coordination. Other qualities of intensity or emotional valence are almost entirely orthogonal to this core process of communication and negotiation to handle inevitable differences of opinion in a partnership. Through that lens, never arguing seems like never sharing opinions nor making joint decisions.
- badestrand 6y ago
  > I don't really understand how you define "argue" such that you can completely avoid it while still admitting differences of opinion... I am not rconti, but for me there is a big difference as well between arguing and talking about a difference in opinion. Arguing for me is "fighting", being confrontative and aggressive, blaming and letting off steam. The other thing then would be a calm, collaborative and resolution-oriented talk about an issue. I personally had relationships with both kinds but can not really pin down why one relationship resulted in arguing and all others did not.
kubanczyk 6y ago
What I noticed is many people are creating conflicts to probe their relationship. They want to see whether the emotional reaction will be "meh, ok" (bad) or "you do it my way and stfu!!!" (a good start!). It's a sign that they feel being hit by a perceived mini-hiatus and unsure whether it will resolve into "we are in this together" direction or in the "we are further and further apart" direction. Particularly when after a while of bilateral stubborn squabbling the subject suddenly dies, never to return. Just a hypothesis though.
- captainredbeard 6y ago
  “Shit tests” is a term I’ve seen used for this behavior, particularly among women to men in their romantic relationships.
  - silveroriole 6y ago
    “Particularly among women to men” is a bit disingenuous, unless you genuinely aren’t aware that “shit test” is PUA/redpill terminology.
deleted 6y ago
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specialist 6y ago
"...arguing is a choice." What are the choices? How would I even know I might like chocolate if I've only ever heard of vanilla?
- rconti 6y ago
  I've been in arguments before. And I sure see a lot of people out there arguing about pointless stuff that doesn't need to be an argument. Instead, I form relationships with reasonable people who are in control of themselves.

by rconti 6y ago

eloff 6y ago

I find most of the time when couples say they don't argue, the real reason is one is a doormat that let's the other get their way all the time. There's not much to argue about in that case. I don't want to say that's the case with you, as I know nothing of your marriage. It's just an observation.

cecilpl2 6y ago
That's what my first marriage was like. I told myself it was a great relationship because we never argued, but really I just deferred to her on every decision and went out of my way to avoid any conflict.
- eloff 6y ago
  I'm glad to hear the qualifier "first" used in that case. Hope things are better for you now.
rconti 6y ago
I think that's fair. In our particular case, we're both pretty obliging people, and it works. If I was in a relationship with someone who was a 'taker', maybe I would have a hard time pushing back.

saltcured 6y ago

I don't really understand how you define "argue" such that you can completely avoid it while still admitting differences of opinion... To me, argument is functionally synonymous with the life-cycle of disagreement/resolution/coordination. Other qualities of intensity or emotional valence are almost entirely orthogonal to this core process of communication and negotiation to handle inevitable differences of opinion in a partnership. Through that lens, never arguing seems like never sharing opinions nor making joint decisions.

badestrand 6y ago
> I don't really understand how you define "argue" such that you can completely avoid it while still admitting differences of opinion... I am not rconti, but for me there is a big difference as well between arguing and talking about a difference in opinion. Arguing for me is "fighting", being confrontative and aggressive, blaming and letting off steam. The other thing then would be a calm, collaborative and resolution-oriented talk about an issue. I personally had relationships with both kinds but can not really pin down why one relationship resulted in arguing and all others did not.

kubanczyk 6y ago

What I noticed is many people are creating conflicts to probe their relationship. They want to see whether the emotional reaction will be "meh, ok" (bad) or "you do it my way and stfu!!!" (a good start!). It's a sign that they feel being hit by a perceived mini-hiatus and unsure whether it will resolve into "we are in this together" direction or in the "we are further and further apart" direction. Particularly when after a while of bilateral stubborn squabbling the subject suddenly dies, never to return. Just a hypothesis though.

captainredbeard 6y ago
“Shit tests” is a term I’ve seen used for this behavior, particularly among women to men in their romantic relationships.
- silveroriole 6y ago
  “Particularly among women to men” is a bit disingenuous, unless you genuinely aren’t aware that “shit test” is PUA/redpill terminology.

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

specialist 6y ago

"...arguing is a choice." What are the choices? How would I even know I might like chocolate if I've only ever heard of vanilla?

rconti 6y ago
I've been in arguments before. And I sure see a lot of people out there arguing about pointless stuff that doesn't need to be an argument. Instead, I form relationships with reasonable people who are in control of themselves.