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One of the best things I learned from my wife: Never go to bed angry. If we have an issue, we talk it through until we find an agreement. It's actually harder t

One of the best things I learned from my wife: Never go to bed angry. If we have an issue, we talk it through until we find an agreement. It's actually harder than it sounds. The worst thing you can do is not talking about something or avoiding the topic. I think mutual understanding is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship.

kaonwarb 6y ago
One alternative thought based entirely on my own experience: late at night when both parties are exhausted sometimes isn't the best time to work out a thorny issue. I agree letting things fester isn't great in general - but I find that my mind and emotions are often in a better state after some rest. There are also, as the article suggests, some disagreements just not worth chasing to the bottom.
- ticviking 6y ago
  It's okay to acknowledge that both of us are exhausted and upset. That whatever issue is going on is real and we commit to doing solving it. Often that much is enough to make anger give way to peace, or at least acceptance and resolve.
  - jschwartzi 6y ago
    Especially if you can admit that it’s a real problem and that you’re taking it seriously.
- zubspace 6y ago
  I have a natural tendency to walk away from problems or ignoring them. Fortunately I have a wife who cannot rest until we're ok with each other. I agree that it's unproductive to talk about something when emotions are out of control. Both should take a break, a walk, time to cool down. What I think is, that late in the evening I get into a state, where I am too exhausted to defend my point of view. And sometimes that is the key to accept a different opinion more easily. But your right. Some problems cannot be solved in an evening. I guess it alreday helps to talk about them and maybe agree to disagree for now.
ashildr 6y ago
This! We never went to bed angry in 20 years - if we were angry we always “made peace“ before going to bed so we could sleep - and wake up - assured of our love. Here you and us differ: If it‘s late we postpone finding a solution because we know we can pick it up the next day if it feels relevant. In an argument we never bring a list of former lapses. If something is relevant it has to be brought up, not collected.
- AnimalMuppet 6y ago
  > In an argument we never bring a list of former lapses. Absolutely! Have the fight you're having. The fight you had yesterday or last week or whenever is off topic.
AnimalMuppet 6y ago
As a general principle, I agree... within limits. We deliberately broke that rule once. We decided that were both too tired to usefully have the conversation that we needed to have, so we went to bed. We had the conversation the next day. (But we went to bed with an unresolved issue, not with a broken relationship. We were clear that we were each accepting the other, even though we still had this issue hanging.) You have to not put off those conversations. But don't make "before you go to bed" an ironclad rule, because the more tired you are, the harder it is to work through the issue.
epage 6y ago
This advice sounds great in theory but I (and some others I know) have found it to be one of the worse pieces of advice. I know some people whose marriage was almost destroyed by this advice. What it does not recognize is the impact of being tired has on emotional regulation and rational thought. Sometimes its best just to go to sleep and talk about it in the morning. Most of the time for us it turns into a "Huh, now that I can think, that was nothing, sorry about that. I will work to better recognize when I'm not in a good place".
jeffbee 6y ago
Great way to ruin a relationship is to insist that every petty squabble gets resolved before anyone can sleep, leading to a cascade into permanent equilibrium where tired, angry people get mad at each other and insist that nobody can go to bed.
- zubspace 6y ago
  I think most of the times. when we have an argument, it is because we think about something differently or do something in a way which the other side would do differently. Arguing helps uncovering those differences and leads to understanding your partner. If you do it frequently, it helps you be more aware of such things. The goal is to minimize those times where you need to argue. The positive side effect of talking it through in the evening is that you can go to bed and wake up without holding a grudge. But as I said, it's not that easy and it requires both sides to be able to find a solution in a civilized way.
- groby_b 6y ago
  If you feel the need to resolve every petty squabble, no matter when, your relationship is in trouble anyways. If you think negotiating at least an understanding to put an issue temporarily to rest before sleep and using sleep as an emotional weapon are the same thing - your relationship is REALLY in trouble. (And so is how you look at the world in general) It's perfectly OK to say "I think you're really wrong about this, but let's talk tomorrow. I'd just like to sleep". The healthy response there isn't "I WONT LET YOU SLEEP BEFORE YOU AGREE"
floatingatoll 6y ago
Never go to bed without negotiating a ceasefire. Agreeing that the anger should not disrupt human contact and safety is absolutely essential, and does not require resolving the anger itself. It is certainly easier to successfully resolve anger and conclude the topic than to being asked to set aside anger for the evening. However, resolving anger when tired, stressed out, after a long day for one or both of you, and maybe hungry — at significant personal cost to one or both of you — is not a success. It does not create a space of safety for future arguments, and it implies that anger is a higher priority than the human being(s) feeling it. The ceasefire specifically does not include any form of warfare between when the agreement is made and the next day. No passive-aggressiveness, no sniping, no laying verbal traps. No silent punishment. No withholding platonic touch because "they don't deserve a hug". If they attempt to start something, let it slide. If you attempt to start something, stop the instant you realize it and apologize for breaking the ceasefire. You don't have to hide the signs of your anger. You don't have to make them feel better. You don't have to do everything they ask out of guilt. But you must continue to be their partner, and sustain the foundation of your relationship, by offering them safety overnight. Note: This applies exclusively to non-abusive anger. If you feel like you're being verbally, emotionally, or physically abused, whether anger is involved or not, please seek immediate support from a hotline, a friend, a professional, anyone. If you can get out, do so. Possessions can always be replaced. (Standard disclaimer, I am not your medical professional.)
- ashildr 6y ago
  ceasefire Thank you for finding a better word for “not angry” and for writing down the idea behind it. It’s the conscious, mutual decision to solve the problem later, knowing that sleeping safely together as a couple is more important.
- HeWhoLurksLate 6y ago
  Wow, that's pretty good advice. Thank you!
master-litty 6y ago
It’s multilayered advice with a healthy component and a controversial component. It is good to de-escalate and keep discussions alive, which is the heart of the idea. But timing is key and the human condition needs to be factored in; We do get hungry, we do get tired, and these things affect our processing and how we approach problems. There’s a dangerous implication in the “never go to bed angry” idea — You’re controlling whether your partner gets to sleep. I suppose some relationships don’t mind that aspect if it is mutual — But if you are truly tired, that is miserable, and it will affect how you approach that problem in the moment. Anecdotally: I’ve seen this advice stem from a fear where the problem won’t be discussed the next day. Rather, actively avoided. That’s a different problem that isn’t about short-term de-escalation, but instead commitment and long-term resolution.
- zubspace 6y ago
  The thing is, that some people are not able to rest without resolving an issue. It's worse if one side is hyper-sensitive. If you're in such a situation, putting something aside is not an option. And I also know from first-hand experience that not talking about things is very dangerous in the long run. Solving problems is a skill which needs to be learned and practiced. But well, I agree that every relationship is different. Do something which works for you and act with common sense. And if you're both tired, go to bed and hug :)
  - jschwartzi 6y ago
    You also have to choose the right forums for problem-solving. Sometimes 1230 am is not the right time for an in-depth discussion of how it makes you feel when your partner buys food for himself when he’s on his way to see you. You can bring it up but you should allow your partner to table it if they can’t handle it.
pwinnski 6y ago
On the one hand, dealing with things rather than ignoring them is a positive. On the other hand, I know very few adults who do their best thinking or are at their most gracious at 3am. Sometimes going to bed is the right choice.
eloff 6y ago
I think to the contrary, never argue while tired. In my personal experience it does not end well, and those are the arguments I most regret.

kaonwarb 6y ago

One alternative thought based entirely on my own experience: late at night when both parties are exhausted sometimes isn't the best time to work out a thorny issue. I agree letting things fester isn't great in general - but I find that my mind and emotions are often in a better state after some rest. There are also, as the article suggests, some disagreements just not worth chasing to the bottom.

ticviking 6y ago
It's okay to acknowledge that both of us are exhausted and upset. That whatever issue is going on is real and we commit to doing solving it. Often that much is enough to make anger give way to peace, or at least acceptance and resolve.
- jschwartzi 6y ago
  Especially if you can admit that it’s a real problem and that you’re taking it seriously.
zubspace 6y ago
I have a natural tendency to walk away from problems or ignoring them. Fortunately I have a wife who cannot rest until we're ok with each other. I agree that it's unproductive to talk about something when emotions are out of control. Both should take a break, a walk, time to cool down. What I think is, that late in the evening I get into a state, where I am too exhausted to defend my point of view. And sometimes that is the key to accept a different opinion more easily. But your right. Some problems cannot be solved in an evening. I guess it alreday helps to talk about them and maybe agree to disagree for now.

ashildr 6y ago

This! We never went to bed angry in 20 years - if we were angry we always “made peace“ before going to bed so we could sleep - and wake up - assured of our love. Here you and us differ: If it‘s late we postpone finding a solution because we know we can pick it up the next day if it feels relevant. In an argument we never bring a list of former lapses. If something is relevant it has to be brought up, not collected.

AnimalMuppet 6y ago
> In an argument we never bring a list of former lapses. Absolutely! Have the fight you're having. The fight you had yesterday or last week or whenever is off topic.

AnimalMuppet 6y ago

As a general principle, I agree... within limits. We deliberately broke that rule once. We decided that were both too tired to usefully have the conversation that we needed to have, so we went to bed. We had the conversation the next day. (But we went to bed with an unresolved issue, not with a broken relationship. We were clear that we were each accepting the other, even though we still had this issue hanging.) You have to not put off those conversations. But don't make "before you go to bed" an ironclad rule, because the more tired you are, the harder it is to work through the issue.

epage 6y ago

This advice sounds great in theory but I (and some others I know) have found it to be one of the worse pieces of advice. I know some people whose marriage was almost destroyed by this advice. What it does not recognize is the impact of being tired has on emotional regulation and rational thought. Sometimes its best just to go to sleep and talk about it in the morning. Most of the time for us it turns into a "Huh, now that I can think, that was nothing, sorry about that. I will work to better recognize when I'm not in a good place".

jeffbee 6y ago

Great way to ruin a relationship is to insist that every petty squabble gets resolved before anyone can sleep, leading to a cascade into permanent equilibrium where tired, angry people get mad at each other and insist that nobody can go to bed.

zubspace 6y ago
I think most of the times. when we have an argument, it is because we think about something differently or do something in a way which the other side would do differently. Arguing helps uncovering those differences and leads to understanding your partner. If you do it frequently, it helps you be more aware of such things. The goal is to minimize those times where you need to argue. The positive side effect of talking it through in the evening is that you can go to bed and wake up without holding a grudge. But as I said, it's not that easy and it requires both sides to be able to find a solution in a civilized way.
groby_b 6y ago
If you feel the need to resolve every petty squabble, no matter when, your relationship is in trouble anyways. If you think negotiating at least an understanding to put an issue temporarily to rest before sleep and using sleep as an emotional weapon are the same thing - your relationship is REALLY in trouble. (And so is how you look at the world in general) It's perfectly OK to say "I think you're really wrong about this, but let's talk tomorrow. I'd just like to sleep". The healthy response there isn't "I WONT LET YOU SLEEP BEFORE YOU AGREE"

floatingatoll 6y ago

Never go to bed without negotiating a ceasefire. Agreeing that the anger should not disrupt human contact and safety is absolutely essential, and does not require resolving the anger itself. It is certainly easier to successfully resolve anger and conclude the topic than to being asked to set aside anger for the evening. However, resolving anger when tired, stressed out, after a long day for one or both of you, and maybe hungry — at significant personal cost to one or both of you — is not a success. It does not create a space of safety for future arguments, and it implies that anger is a higher priority than the human being(s) feeling it. The ceasefire specifically does not include any form of warfare between when the agreement is made and the next day. No passive-aggressiveness, no sniping, no laying verbal traps. No silent punishment. No withholding platonic touch because "they don't deserve a hug". If they attempt to start something, let it slide. If you attempt to start something, stop the instant you realize it and apologize for breaking the ceasefire. You don't have to hide the signs of your anger. You don't have to make them feel better. You don't have to do everything they ask out of guilt. But you must continue to be their partner, and sustain the foundation of your relationship, by offering them safety overnight. Note: This applies exclusively to non-abusive anger. If you feel like you're being verbally, emotionally, or physically abused, whether anger is involved or not, please seek immediate support from a hotline, a friend, a professional, anyone. If you can get out, do so. Possessions can always be replaced. (Standard disclaimer, I am not your medical professional.)

ashildr 6y ago
ceasefire Thank you for finding a better word for “not angry” and for writing down the idea behind it. It’s the conscious, mutual decision to solve the problem later, knowing that sleeping safely together as a couple is more important.
HeWhoLurksLate 6y ago
Wow, that's pretty good advice. Thank you!

master-litty 6y ago

It’s multilayered advice with a healthy component and a controversial component. It is good to de-escalate and keep discussions alive, which is the heart of the idea. But timing is key and the human condition needs to be factored in; We do get hungry, we do get tired, and these things affect our processing and how we approach problems. There’s a dangerous implication in the “never go to bed angry” idea — You’re controlling whether your partner gets to sleep. I suppose some relationships don’t mind that aspect if it is mutual — But if you are truly tired, that is miserable, and it will affect how you approach that problem in the moment. Anecdotally: I’ve seen this advice stem from a fear where the problem won’t be discussed the next day. Rather, actively avoided. That’s a different problem that isn’t about short-term de-escalation, but instead commitment and long-term resolution.

zubspace 6y ago
The thing is, that some people are not able to rest without resolving an issue. It's worse if one side is hyper-sensitive. If you're in such a situation, putting something aside is not an option. And I also know from first-hand experience that not talking about things is very dangerous in the long run. Solving problems is a skill which needs to be learned and practiced. But well, I agree that every relationship is different. Do something which works for you and act with common sense. And if you're both tired, go to bed and hug :)
- jschwartzi 6y ago
  You also have to choose the right forums for problem-solving. Sometimes 1230 am is not the right time for an in-depth discussion of how it makes you feel when your partner buys food for himself when he’s on his way to see you. You can bring it up but you should allow your partner to table it if they can’t handle it.

pwinnski 6y ago

On the one hand, dealing with things rather than ignoring them is a positive. On the other hand, I know very few adults who do their best thinking or are at their most gracious at 3am. Sometimes going to bed is the right choice.

eloff 6y ago

I think to the contrary, never argue while tired. In my personal experience it does not end well, and those are the arguments I most regret.