4 ms·

You're describing a dog. Kids are orders of magnitude more in all sorts of ways. Kids give the opportunity to learn so much about the world and yourself. They

You're describing a dog. Kids are orders of magnitude more in all sorts of ways. Kids give the opportunity to learn so much about the world and yourself. They are so much work. They're also individuals. thinking about kids in the context of benefits, proportioned relationships, and happiness probably means that you don't really want them. At least it means that you have a lot more thinking to do. If you have more thinking to do, I would suggest talking to friends who are parents. Also babysitting or teaching at multiple ages.

gremlinsinc 6y ago
I'm not sure I wanted kids, i did for a long time, when i was more religious, but after leaving Mormonism was like eh... whatever. Wife was born to be a mom though, so we kept doing fertility treatments and got two little boys. FFS, I almost missed out on this dad thing? Scares the shit out of me, I could be so callous about the best thing ever in my life. I'd probably steal a nuke or something and attack china if anything happened to my kids (sarcasm), but seriously. They brighten up my day most of the times I see them (when they're not sending me into a rage because there's baking chocolate everywhere lol). tldr; Dadhood scared me, worried me, and I started getting comfortable as a childless person, but wouldn't trade being a dad for a million dollars. Not even a billion.
- agent008t 6y ago
  When did you start feeling like this? As in, what age were your kids? With toddlers, how were the responsibilities split between you and your wife? I am assuming she was delighted with having kids since she wanted it so much? I'm just wondering if you got to enjoy the good parts and mostly avoid the bad parts.
  - probinso 6y ago
    I can't speak for this person, but my life totally flipped around when I had the opportunity to participate in a kid's life. I had been always interested in helping to raise a kid, but never really worked towards it seriously. I started a relationship with someone 2 months after they had given birth. I tried to adopt as much responsibility as was appropriate while I was available, but with a young relationship and some logistical concerns there were reasonable limits to that participation. What I can say is that there were no bad part. Things got hard, but there is something powerful in needing to rise to such an occasion. What I have recognized is that I am bad with kids, but good with individuals. As soon as I changed my perspective that this person was an individual not a kid, there's a lot more capacity to our shared environment. I had to make this realization very quickly. I had the opportunity to participate for 2 years. I would Never give up that time
    - agent008t 6y ago
      "Raising a kid" sounds alright. The gritty details of changing nappies, feeding, cleaning up, dealing with a toddler that is not really yet a person for years - day in day out, with little sleep - that does not sound good at all. If all that implementation can be abstracted away, and you get to spend a few hours with them in the evenings + weekends, then I see how it could be a great experience.
      - probinso 6y ago
        All of those things were part of what I did, as well as cleaning the house in evenings, planning activities/trips, hospital visits, managing travel, bottle prep/cooking, playdates. I would stay for multiple days (typically 4-7 at a time) in a row every time we were together. Often create an environment for my partner to take a day or two off. They are an individual much earlier than you would expect. I concede I would get a ~2 weeks off in between to catch up on work and grad school, in a different city. They were always on, which is way more work. Hardest part was that I had to relearn everything often, cuz if it's not everyday it doesn't stick with you the same way, and you have to catch up to the kids new preferences.

gremlinsinc 6y ago

I'm not sure I wanted kids, i did for a long time, when i was more religious, but after leaving Mormonism was like eh... whatever. Wife was born to be a mom though, so we kept doing fertility treatments and got two little boys. FFS, I almost missed out on this dad thing? Scares the shit out of me, I could be so callous about the best thing ever in my life. I'd probably steal a nuke or something and attack china if anything happened to my kids (sarcasm), but seriously. They brighten up my day most of the times I see them (when they're not sending me into a rage because there's baking chocolate everywhere lol). tldr; Dadhood scared me, worried me, and I started getting comfortable as a childless person, but wouldn't trade being a dad for a million dollars. Not even a billion.

agent008t 6y ago
When did you start feeling like this? As in, what age were your kids? With toddlers, how were the responsibilities split between you and your wife? I am assuming she was delighted with having kids since she wanted it so much? I'm just wondering if you got to enjoy the good parts and mostly avoid the bad parts.
- probinso 6y ago
  I can't speak for this person, but my life totally flipped around when I had the opportunity to participate in a kid's life. I had been always interested in helping to raise a kid, but never really worked towards it seriously. I started a relationship with someone 2 months after they had given birth. I tried to adopt as much responsibility as was appropriate while I was available, but with a young relationship and some logistical concerns there were reasonable limits to that participation. What I can say is that there were no bad part. Things got hard, but there is something powerful in needing to rise to such an occasion. What I have recognized is that I am bad with kids, but good with individuals. As soon as I changed my perspective that this person was an individual not a kid, there's a lot more capacity to our shared environment. I had to make this realization very quickly. I had the opportunity to participate for 2 years. I would Never give up that time
  - agent008t 6y ago
    "Raising a kid" sounds alright. The gritty details of changing nappies, feeding, cleaning up, dealing with a toddler that is not really yet a person for years - day in day out, with little sleep - that does not sound good at all. If all that implementation can be abstracted away, and you get to spend a few hours with them in the evenings + weekends, then I see how it could be a great experience.
    - probinso 6y ago
      All of those things were part of what I did, as well as cleaning the house in evenings, planning activities/trips, hospital visits, managing travel, bottle prep/cooking, playdates. I would stay for multiple days (typically 4-7 at a time) in a row every time we were together. Often create an environment for my partner to take a day or two off. They are an individual much earlier than you would expect. I concede I would get a ~2 weeks off in between to catch up on work and grad school, in a different city. They were always on, which is way more work. Hardest part was that I had to relearn everything often, cuz if it's not everyday it doesn't stick with you the same way, and you have to catch up to the kids new preferences.