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> Without forgiveness, accumulated resentments extract a toll, says forgiveness coach Kym Kennedy. Without snake oil your accumulated borxins extract a toll on

> Without forgiveness, accumulated resentments extract a toll, says forgiveness coach Kym Kennedy. Without snake oil your accumulated borxins extract a toll on your health, says snake oil salesman. We get angry to have an emotional STOP sign attached to certain experiences, people, things, etc. You should always forgive like you should always forget that fire burns. Go ahead, put your hand back in, get it out of your system.

stupidcar 6y ago
False dichotomy. Taking steps to heal yourself from damage, such as a physical burn or a psychological wound, doesn't necessarily mean not taking the threat seriously in future. Pain is a signal that teaches us a lesson. Once the lesson is learned, holding onto the pain can just be needless suffering.
- trabant00 6y ago
  You would be right if people would be rational, which they are not. They are emotional. If you forgive the abusive partner, the loan shark, the casino, etc, you return to them no matter what lessons you learned rationally. And this happens in real life a lot, it isn't just a theory.
  - GavinMcG 6y ago
    > If you forgive the abusive partner, the loan shark, the casino, etc, you return to them No? Forgiveness is the letting go of the past. It doesn't mean going back to or repeating the situation. When you heal your broken leg, you don't necessarily go back to skydiving.
    - trabant00 6y ago
      Does what I said and you quoted happen or not? Because we can argue theory all you want, but reality is what actually happens.
      - GavinMcG 6y ago
        But does what I'm saying also happen? Because if so, you're conflating forgiving with forgetting. This is advocating forgiveness, not forgetfulness.
        yarrel 6y ago
        But if you forgive them why would you not have further dealings with them? After all, they haven't done anything harmful in your revised opinion.
        GavinMcG 6y ago
        Forgiveness isn't endorsement of the behavior. And it also doesn't depend on their changing. Maybe they won't change. Forgiveness is when you change, such that you are no longer unduly influenced in your present life by the pain they caused in the past. So you might not have further dealings with them because emotionally releasing the power their actions have over you doesn't mean you're going to grant them power over you again. You can forgive and still distrust; you can forgive and set/enforce boundaries; you can forgive and still change how you pick the people you open up to or allow to influence your life. There's lots of ways to both forgive and move forward, rather than backward.
sumtechguy 6y ago
I live with someone who does not 'forget' and accumulates. It eats at them every day. They get wildly angry at total strangers now for slight transgressions. I regularly have to walk them through how most of what happens is not aimed at them. People are just kinda of selfish or literally did not see you. It eats at them all the time. I find them sitting in a room. "what are you thinking" they will bring up something that happened well over 30 years ago as if it just happened to them 5 minutes ago. Sometimes it is how someone made a bad turn in front of them in a car, sometimes it is how someone swindled them for money. Yes, that was crappy what happened but if you live with that sort of thing all the time you will be depressed and angry (as you can do nothing now). You will bring down those around you. You will always be on edge and guarded against anything that may harm you. Real forgiveness takes 'letting go' of it. You can remember it so they do not do it to you again. But be careful not to hold on to it and relive it over and over.
- trabant00 6y ago
  Getting angry for nothing is completely another topic. There is nothing to forgive then. Not forgiving does not mean you always think and remeber of. This yet another issue. Not forgiving means just that. If anybody asks you if you forgave you answer no. Not that you despair every moment thinking about who wronged you when.
  - sumtechguy 6y ago
    The forgiveness is not always for them. It is sometimes for you. That was their point. Forgiveness is a part of a process to 'let go'. Not doing it ever can create distrust issues with total strangers. I have seen it a few times with my own eyes. I am a large believer in 'little things make big things'. Lots of little bad things can accumulate into one large bad thing. The opposite is also true. You can chose to have non-forgiveness in your life. That is your choice. I always ask myself do I want to be the happy dude at the retirement home talking about my good friends or the bitter cynical guy who holds a grudge. One dude I know still holds grudges from the mid 80s. He lives them over and over. Because he can not let go. It has harmed him in every aspect of his life.
tgv 6y ago
I too think that that's just folk psychology, with little or no proof. I'm pretty forgiving, but there's one person, a one time best friend, I cannot forgive. However, I don't dwell upon it, and it doesn't exact a toll. I think they chose "forgiveness" just to draw attention.

stupidcar 6y ago

False dichotomy. Taking steps to heal yourself from damage, such as a physical burn or a psychological wound, doesn't necessarily mean not taking the threat seriously in future. Pain is a signal that teaches us a lesson. Once the lesson is learned, holding onto the pain can just be needless suffering.

trabant00 6y ago
You would be right if people would be rational, which they are not. They are emotional. If you forgive the abusive partner, the loan shark, the casino, etc, you return to them no matter what lessons you learned rationally. And this happens in real life a lot, it isn't just a theory.
- GavinMcG 6y ago
  > If you forgive the abusive partner, the loan shark, the casino, etc, you return to them No? Forgiveness is the letting go of the past. It doesn't mean going back to or repeating the situation. When you heal your broken leg, you don't necessarily go back to skydiving.
  - trabant00 6y ago
    Does what I said and you quoted happen or not? Because we can argue theory all you want, but reality is what actually happens.
    - GavinMcG 6y ago
      But does what I'm saying also happen? Because if so, you're conflating forgiving with forgetting. This is advocating forgiveness, not forgetfulness.
      - yarrel 6y ago
        But if you forgive them why would you not have further dealings with them? After all, they haven't done anything harmful in your revised opinion.
        GavinMcG 6y ago
        Forgiveness isn't endorsement of the behavior. And it also doesn't depend on their changing. Maybe they won't change. Forgiveness is when you change, such that you are no longer unduly influenced in your present life by the pain they caused in the past. So you might not have further dealings with them because emotionally releasing the power their actions have over you doesn't mean you're going to grant them power over you again. You can forgive and still distrust; you can forgive and set/enforce boundaries; you can forgive and still change how you pick the people you open up to or allow to influence your life. There's lots of ways to both forgive and move forward, rather than backward.

sumtechguy 6y ago

I live with someone who does not 'forget' and accumulates. It eats at them every day. They get wildly angry at total strangers now for slight transgressions. I regularly have to walk them through how most of what happens is not aimed at them. People are just kinda of selfish or literally did not see you. It eats at them all the time. I find them sitting in a room. "what are you thinking" they will bring up something that happened well over 30 years ago as if it just happened to them 5 minutes ago. Sometimes it is how someone made a bad turn in front of them in a car, sometimes it is how someone swindled them for money. Yes, that was crappy what happened but if you live with that sort of thing all the time you will be depressed and angry (as you can do nothing now). You will bring down those around you. You will always be on edge and guarded against anything that may harm you. Real forgiveness takes 'letting go' of it. You can remember it so they do not do it to you again. But be careful not to hold on to it and relive it over and over.

trabant00 6y ago
Getting angry for nothing is completely another topic. There is nothing to forgive then. Not forgiving does not mean you always think and remeber of. This yet another issue. Not forgiving means just that. If anybody asks you if you forgave you answer no. Not that you despair every moment thinking about who wronged you when.
- sumtechguy 6y ago
  The forgiveness is not always for them. It is sometimes for you. That was their point. Forgiveness is a part of a process to 'let go'. Not doing it ever can create distrust issues with total strangers. I have seen it a few times with my own eyes. I am a large believer in 'little things make big things'. Lots of little bad things can accumulate into one large bad thing. The opposite is also true. You can chose to have non-forgiveness in your life. That is your choice. I always ask myself do I want to be the happy dude at the retirement home talking about my good friends or the bitter cynical guy who holds a grudge. One dude I know still holds grudges from the mid 80s. He lives them over and over. Because he can not let go. It has harmed him in every aspect of his life.

tgv 6y ago

I too think that that's just folk psychology, with little or no proof. I'm pretty forgiving, but there's one person, a one time best friend, I cannot forgive. However, I don't dwell upon it, and it doesn't exact a toll. I think they chose "forgiveness" just to draw attention.