3 ms·

I also wonder how much of it is "nerd" adjacent. I came to software development late in my career (I was a lawyer and a health care administrator first). I wor

I also wonder how much of it is "nerd" adjacent. I came to software development late in my career (I was a lawyer and a health care administrator first). I work for a good company and I like a lot of my coworkers. I would never want to be friends with them. That's a barrier I'm not very comfortable crossing. When I worked in a hospital, when I was a lawyer, it was the same. Good coworkers, no desire to keep seeing them after quitting time. I have a lot of software development friends who play board games or video games or go climbing or whatever with their coworkers. It baffles me. They ask me and my wife for social advice and I have nothing to give - how I'd resolve a given problem with a friend and with a coworker are too totally different things. I've talked to friends from college who've gone into many different industries, and a lot of them distinguish between "friends" and "friends from work". Except engineers, developers, and data scientists. I'm not sure what it is.

StavrosK 6y ago
> Except engineers, developers, and data scientists. I'm not sure what it is. I assume you mean "they're not friends", rather than "they're all just friends"? That doesn't really echo my experience, I have many good friends from past jobs that I'm still in contact with. Though I've also definitely gotten frustrated with people we seemed to get along with at work but then didn't ever seem to want to hang out outside work...
- soared 6y ago
  So frustrating when you have a coworker who you get along with very well, will take walks/lunch/etc, but refuses to go to happy hour or do anything outside of work. We’re all people, shouldn’t matter where we met. It’s not like we talk about work outside of work.
  - StavrosK 6y ago
    Yeah, and when I asked, the answer was "oh I don't hang out with coworkers outside work", which I can't understand.
    - fnimick 6y ago
      I don't personally limit myself in this way, but I understand. Having personal friendships at work makes it more challenging to make hard business decisions such as switching companies when opportunities present themselves or firing / laying off team members. I've worked with people who are very friendly and pleasant to work with but explicitly avoid any personal relationships so they can use pure cost-benefit analysis in career and company decisions, rather than allowing emotion and sentiment to influence it. Edit: actually, the most effective person I ever met who did this was someone who _did_ hang out outside work and etc to allow others to form personal bonds with him, but he avoided reciprocal investment in them. This let him take advantage of their empathy while not having any of his own to limit his decision-making. It was a bit sociopathic, but I saw firsthand how much it helped his career.
      - webmaven 6y ago
        More than a "bit" sociopathic, unless you are saying that this person had to make a conscious effort to avoid reciprocating, and you know that they naturally formed reciprocal bonds in other contexts.
    - citizenkeen 6y ago
      I hang out with coworkers outside of work for a little decompression. As coworkers.
- citizenkeen 6y ago
  I meant > a lot of them distinguish between "friends" and "friends from work", except engineers, developers, and data scientists as in my experience is the people who don't distinguish between the two seem to be very STEM focused. I'll get drinks with coworkers after work, but it's still very much "drinks with coworkers". My friends get to place demands on my time that coworkers don't, and I'm willing to accept a higher level of frustration with coworkers than I am with my friends. For me, they're different relationships, and I always want to know which one I'm in. I never want to fire a friend, ever.
fragmede 6y ago
There are those nerds who grew up bullied, ostracized by everybody. Where the ones at work remind us of those bullies. Where there's some common thread between "engineers, developers, and data scientists" that respects hard work, and rejects blowhards. Something along this crowd that's compelled to accept the meekest and quietest of all, and as equals. The font this comment is written in as the same as from `pg` or `dang`. There's a broader, quieter culture that thrives on listening to the substance of people. And then are those "nerds" who did the bullying.

StavrosK 6y ago

> Except engineers, developers, and data scientists. I'm not sure what it is. I assume you mean "they're not friends", rather than "they're all just friends"? That doesn't really echo my experience, I have many good friends from past jobs that I'm still in contact with. Though I've also definitely gotten frustrated with people we seemed to get along with at work but then didn't ever seem to want to hang out outside work...

soared 6y ago
So frustrating when you have a coworker who you get along with very well, will take walks/lunch/etc, but refuses to go to happy hour or do anything outside of work. We’re all people, shouldn’t matter where we met. It’s not like we talk about work outside of work.
- StavrosK 6y ago
  Yeah, and when I asked, the answer was "oh I don't hang out with coworkers outside work", which I can't understand.
  - fnimick 6y ago
    I don't personally limit myself in this way, but I understand. Having personal friendships at work makes it more challenging to make hard business decisions such as switching companies when opportunities present themselves or firing / laying off team members. I've worked with people who are very friendly and pleasant to work with but explicitly avoid any personal relationships so they can use pure cost-benefit analysis in career and company decisions, rather than allowing emotion and sentiment to influence it. Edit: actually, the most effective person I ever met who did this was someone who _did_ hang out outside work and etc to allow others to form personal bonds with him, but he avoided reciprocal investment in them. This let him take advantage of their empathy while not having any of his own to limit his decision-making. It was a bit sociopathic, but I saw firsthand how much it helped his career.
    - webmaven 6y ago
      More than a "bit" sociopathic, unless you are saying that this person had to make a conscious effort to avoid reciprocating, and you know that they naturally formed reciprocal bonds in other contexts.
  - citizenkeen 6y ago
    I hang out with coworkers outside of work for a little decompression. As coworkers.
citizenkeen 6y ago
I meant > a lot of them distinguish between "friends" and "friends from work", except engineers, developers, and data scientists as in my experience is the people who don't distinguish between the two seem to be very STEM focused. I'll get drinks with coworkers after work, but it's still very much "drinks with coworkers". My friends get to place demands on my time that coworkers don't, and I'm willing to accept a higher level of frustration with coworkers than I am with my friends. For me, they're different relationships, and I always want to know which one I'm in. I never want to fire a friend, ever.

fragmede 6y ago

There are those nerds who grew up bullied, ostracized by everybody. Where the ones at work remind us of those bullies. Where there's some common thread between "engineers, developers, and data scientists" that respects hard work, and rejects blowhards. Something along this crowd that's compelled to accept the meekest and quietest of all, and as equals. The font this comment is written in as the same as from `pg` or `dang`. There's a broader, quieter culture that thrives on listening to the substance of people. And then are those "nerds" who did the bullying.