7 ms·

Wow, this cuts really deep. This makes me want to take more risk in life, to live a bit fuller and care less about money. Even at 26 I still don't have a grea

by d33lio 6y ago

Wow, this cuts really deep. This makes me want to take more risk in life, to live a bit fuller and care less about money. Even at 26 I still don't have a great way to digest loss like this. The loss of someone who I genuinely looked up to and whom had significant impact on decisions I made my life. Who I thought about when I really hated myself and felt that I didn't belong in engineering at college. Especially Grant, since he was one of my childhood "heroes" who never lost his luster or genuine character.

mseepgood 6y ago
> This makes me want to take more risk in life Depends on what type of risk. Some risks make you die earlier.
- wmichelin 6y ago
  Guess they'd better sit inside all the time then, can't risk dying. They clearly meant that they wanted to live life more fully. Thank you for pointing out that people can die on a post about a person dying.
jeffrallen 6y ago
> I still don't have a great way to digest loss I'm about double your age and don't either. And I would be surprised if someone double my age claimed to. Live every day like it could be your last. Don't hold grudges, and tell people you love them. That's the best we can do. And it is apparently what Grant did, as his colleagues all have fond memories of him. RIP, Grant. You were cool.
- nonbirithm 6y ago
  > Live every day like it could be your last. I've apparently been doing this, and you know? I'm thinking it's not going to work out. If I followed those words to the letter, literally believing that I was going to die of a heart attack at any moment, I would go insane. Maybe I am going insane, then. There are a lot of things we take for granted. Sure. I'm incredibly grateful to have both my hands, because if I lost even one of them then I would be severely impacted in my work. I could end up having to take a pay cut or lose my job outright. And I might never be able to draw at the level I could accomplish by still having hands. But I believe there's a reason we take these things for granted, with the side effect in a lot of people of never understanding their importance until it's too late. We do so because if we didn't take anything for granted, we would spend all of the time thinking about what would happen if we suddenly lost body part X or Y, and become constantly aware of every single tendon and muscle in our body and how they were still functional as opposed to dead, and never get anything done. Or at least greatly reduce our mental capacity to think about the important things we want to accomplish with those limbs instead of spending it on fruitless worry. So I have to both understand that yes, it would be horrible if I lost my hands or ability to walk or my sight or my hearing or my life, and then I have to put it out of my mind and do what I want to do while there's still time instead of worrying about it every single day. And even thinking like that becomes counterproductive. I'm 24 and have had this bizzarre chest pain. I went to the doctor and the ER several times for it. Dozens of times. Nothing came of it. Not even a diagnosis of pleurisy, or a diagnosis of anything at all. It was just unresolved and I have to assume it's something in the realm of anxiety or hypochondria. And it still hurts in the most inconvenient moments and is a constant hovering reminder of my own mortality. So now it's 3 in the morning and I need to write this thing. I know I'm only killing myself by failing to fall asleep at 3 in the morning but I don't know if I'm going to be alive tomorrow and I need to get this out there. Need someone to know that before I died that yes, I had thought enough to think of this thing, this concept that nobody else I've ever met has thought of, that nobody else will ever think and if I'm going to die tomorrow there will never be anyone else that will think of it again. So I need to do this, to write this down and move my still functioning fingers and joints over the keys to just get it out, need to finish this before I die because I don't take my own impending death for granted and I was smart enough to realize that fact, so use it. And oh, there's that other thing, that programming project I've spent years on committing to master alone and intend to spend several more years on. If I die that project will never be finished because nobody else cares enough. Sure, someone else realizing I died somehow and telling the community that I intended to finish it but never could because instead I happened to die, out of my control, could motivate someone else to take up the flag. Or not, and as a result the planet overheats 100 years from now without that one thing I wanted to accomplish with my life ever becoming reality. What could possibly be worse for the psyche of human accomplishment, of redefining the status quo, when you're trapped in this box of failing hearts and endless anxiety and just couldn't do it so that's just the end of it all? That's the end of the dream? What else is there to lose? No. Not going to happen. So now it's seven in the morning. And I've failed to get any sleep and failed to eat anything so I'm starving and physically exhausted and my heart is racing and it feels like it's being shoved against my lungs and ribcage and I feel that much closer to dying than before. Then I try and fail to go to sleep since apparently I'm not mentally exhausted yet and go on HN and discover this person formerly a part of Mythbusters is dead of a brain aneurysm at 49, and then I remember that wowaka, the world famous Vocaloid artist, probably one of if not the single most popular Vocaloid artist of all time, died of heart failure at the age of 31, 31 years old for fuck's sake and that means I only have 7 years left if it really comes to the worst possible scenario with my health that me never getting any sleep and worrying about dying all of the time every single day of the past year is not doing any favors. And now it feels like my heart is going to explode inside my chest from remembering this, remembering wowaka and Rolling Girl and dying of heart failure in 7 years at the worst possible time because this important person died tragically and everyone considers 49 to be young, 49 is young, right, and my heart hurts so much it feels like it's being squeezed with a belt, and You get the idea.
  - moreaccountspls 6y ago
    It sounds like you're experiencing panic attacks.
    - nonbirithm 6y ago
      My personal impression is ADHD or at least something involving a deficiency in executive function after reading this article. https://gekk.info/articles/adhd.html https://gekk.info/articles/adhd.html It really opened my eyes to what AD(H)D is really like from someone actually suffering from it and speaking his mind without mincing words, and how hyperactivity is sometimes overemphasized in the diagnosis. So some people get the impression that if you're not hyper it doesn't apply. And for me specifically this was so ironic because ADHD was the one disorder that my parents insisted I never had, so I just ended up believing them the entire time I was with them. But at least now I can think for myself and revisit the possibility for once without being shut down. And they had once been wrong about me not having this other disorder that, surprise, I actually did have, which is the only reason I was hired into a position specifically seeking those with a diagnosis of said disorder, allowing me to pay my own rent. And it certainly has something to do with anxiety. I might have had panic attacks at one point when the pain was new and I wasn't sure if I was in immediate danger. Even after I sort of got used to it and it became "normal," it still stresses me out but not in an "am I going to die in 5 minutes" sense, spurred on by late-night WebMD binging.
      - moreaccountspls 6y ago
        I very well could be wrong, but that's almost completely besides the real point [as well the self diagnosis regarding ADHD]. The amount of anxiety you're experiencing in your day to day life is grossly abnormal. I would suggest not waiting another day to start seeking out the help [therapy or working with a psychiatrist] you deserve. I also you suggest you research hallucinogenic medications as something to possibly relieve your existential anxiety: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/media/releases/hallucinogenic_drug_psilocybin_eases_existential_anxiety_in_people_with_life_threatening_cancer_ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/media/releases/hallucin...
snarfy 6y ago
Life really is short. Plan for tomorrow or live for today. There is a balance, but I think many engineer types skew much too far into the planning, not enough into the living. I've gone to a lot of funerals and it is always a constant reminder.
chansiky 6y ago
Not a lot of genuine people in the entertainment business for sure. Its tragic that such a great thinker is lost, especially for our generation 50 feels so young, who knows what he could have done with more years.
doopy-loopy2 6y ago
you aren't the only one who feels this way :(

by d33lio 6y ago

mseepgood 6y ago

> This makes me want to take more risk in life Depends on what type of risk. Some risks make you die earlier.

wmichelin 6y ago
Guess they'd better sit inside all the time then, can't risk dying. They clearly meant that they wanted to live life more fully. Thank you for pointing out that people can die on a post about a person dying.

jeffrallen 6y ago

> I still don't have a great way to digest loss I'm about double your age and don't either. And I would be surprised if someone double my age claimed to. Live every day like it could be your last. Don't hold grudges, and tell people you love them. That's the best we can do. And it is apparently what Grant did, as his colleagues all have fond memories of him. RIP, Grant. You were cool.

nonbirithm 6y ago
> Live every day like it could be your last. I've apparently been doing this, and you know? I'm thinking it's not going to work out. If I followed those words to the letter, literally believing that I was going to die of a heart attack at any moment, I would go insane. Maybe I am going insane, then. There are a lot of things we take for granted. Sure. I'm incredibly grateful to have both my hands, because if I lost even one of them then I would be severely impacted in my work. I could end up having to take a pay cut or lose my job outright. And I might never be able to draw at the level I could accomplish by still having hands. But I believe there's a reason we take these things for granted, with the side effect in a lot of people of never understanding their importance until it's too late. We do so because if we didn't take anything for granted, we would spend all of the time thinking about what would happen if we suddenly lost body part X or Y, and become constantly aware of every single tendon and muscle in our body and how they were still functional as opposed to dead, and never get anything done. Or at least greatly reduce our mental capacity to think about the important things we want to accomplish with those limbs instead of spending it on fruitless worry. So I have to both understand that yes, it would be horrible if I lost my hands or ability to walk or my sight or my hearing or my life, and then I have to put it out of my mind and do what I want to do while there's still time instead of worrying about it every single day. And even thinking like that becomes counterproductive. I'm 24 and have had this bizzarre chest pain. I went to the doctor and the ER several times for it. Dozens of times. Nothing came of it. Not even a diagnosis of pleurisy, or a diagnosis of anything at all. It was just unresolved and I have to assume it's something in the realm of anxiety or hypochondria. And it still hurts in the most inconvenient moments and is a constant hovering reminder of my own mortality. So now it's 3 in the morning and I need to write this thing. I know I'm only killing myself by failing to fall asleep at 3 in the morning but I don't know if I'm going to be alive tomorrow and I need to get this out there. Need someone to know that before I died that yes, I had thought enough to think of this thing, this concept that nobody else I've ever met has thought of, that nobody else will ever think and if I'm going to die tomorrow there will never be anyone else that will think of it again. So I need to do this, to write this down and move my still functioning fingers and joints over the keys to just get it out, need to finish this before I die because I don't take my own impending death for granted and I was smart enough to realize that fact, so use it. And oh, there's that other thing, that programming project I've spent years on committing to master alone and intend to spend several more years on. If I die that project will never be finished because nobody else cares enough. Sure, someone else realizing I died somehow and telling the community that I intended to finish it but never could because instead I happened to die, out of my control, could motivate someone else to take up the flag. Or not, and as a result the planet overheats 100 years from now without that one thing I wanted to accomplish with my life ever becoming reality. What could possibly be worse for the psyche of human accomplishment, of redefining the status quo, when you're trapped in this box of failing hearts and endless anxiety and just couldn't do it so that's just the end of it all? That's the end of the dream? What else is there to lose? No. Not going to happen. So now it's seven in the morning. And I've failed to get any sleep and failed to eat anything so I'm starving and physically exhausted and my heart is racing and it feels like it's being shoved against my lungs and ribcage and I feel that much closer to dying than before. Then I try and fail to go to sleep since apparently I'm not mentally exhausted yet and go on HN and discover this person formerly a part of Mythbusters is dead of a brain aneurysm at 49, and then I remember that wowaka, the world famous Vocaloid artist, probably one of if not the single most popular Vocaloid artist of all time, died of heart failure at the age of 31, 31 years old for fuck's sake and that means I only have 7 years left if it really comes to the worst possible scenario with my health that me never getting any sleep and worrying about dying all of the time every single day of the past year is not doing any favors. And now it feels like my heart is going to explode inside my chest from remembering this, remembering wowaka and Rolling Girl and dying of heart failure in 7 years at the worst possible time because this important person died tragically and everyone considers 49 to be young, 49 is young, right, and my heart hurts so much it feels like it's being squeezed with a belt, and You get the idea.
- moreaccountspls 6y ago
  It sounds like you're experiencing panic attacks.
  - nonbirithm 6y ago
    My personal impression is ADHD or at least something involving a deficiency in executive function after reading this article. https://gekk.info/articles/adhd.html https://gekk.info/articles/adhd.html It really opened my eyes to what AD(H)D is really like from someone actually suffering from it and speaking his mind without mincing words, and how hyperactivity is sometimes overemphasized in the diagnosis. So some people get the impression that if you're not hyper it doesn't apply. And for me specifically this was so ironic because ADHD was the one disorder that my parents insisted I never had, so I just ended up believing them the entire time I was with them. But at least now I can think for myself and revisit the possibility for once without being shut down. And they had once been wrong about me not having this other disorder that, surprise, I actually did have, which is the only reason I was hired into a position specifically seeking those with a diagnosis of said disorder, allowing me to pay my own rent. And it certainly has something to do with anxiety. I might have had panic attacks at one point when the pain was new and I wasn't sure if I was in immediate danger. Even after I sort of got used to it and it became "normal," it still stresses me out but not in an "am I going to die in 5 minutes" sense, spurred on by late-night WebMD binging.
    - moreaccountspls 6y ago
      I very well could be wrong, but that's almost completely besides the real point [as well the self diagnosis regarding ADHD]. The amount of anxiety you're experiencing in your day to day life is grossly abnormal. I would suggest not waiting another day to start seeking out the help [therapy or working with a psychiatrist] you deserve. I also you suggest you research hallucinogenic medications as something to possibly relieve your existential anxiety: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/media/releases/hallucinogenic_drug_psilocybin_eases_existential_anxiety_in_people_with_life_threatening_cancer_ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/media/releases/hallucin...

snarfy 6y ago

Life really is short. Plan for tomorrow or live for today. There is a balance, but I think many engineer types skew much too far into the planning, not enough into the living. I've gone to a lot of funerals and it is always a constant reminder.

chansiky 6y ago

Not a lot of genuine people in the entertainment business for sure. Its tragic that such a great thinker is lost, especially for our generation 50 feels so young, who knows what he could have done with more years.

doopy-loopy2 6y ago

you aren't the only one who feels this way :(