Turns out I was the confused one, not you. I thought it was at least possible to generate binaries with multiple segments, each with their own PLT, GOT, and .te

Turns out I was the confused one, not you. I thought it was at least possible to generate binaries with multiple segments, each with their own PLT, GOT, and .text sections, similar to putting .text and .data sections in separate segments. That way the relative position of all functions wouldn't be static. But it seems there's no way to generate binaries like this using the standard tools.