4 ms·

Keep expecting it to get easier but being stuck with a toddler and two older kids with 1.5 jobs between me and my wife has been tough. It's exhausting, there's

by thom 6y ago

Keep expecting it to get easier but being stuck with a toddler and two older kids with 1.5 jobs between me and my wife has been tough. It's exhausting, there's basically no downtime, and we end up in spirals of shame and guilt at being terrible parents, partners, employees. All of this to a constant backdrop of fear and uncertainty, trying to balance sanity with following the rules and the science, trying to mediate when family and friends have blowups about the science and ethics of lockdown, family members literally crying because someone posted mean Dominic Cummings memes, trying to hide all this from the kids but at the same time being honest and open with them about feelings, trying to ignore everyone's amazing and enriching family activities posted in photo albums on Facebook when our kids are sat in pyjamas on the Nintendo Switch at 2pm, trying not to think too much that if I was on my own and furloughed this might actually be bliss. Keep finding it weird that 10 years ago I was trapped in San Francisco (after Twitter's Chirp conference) when the Icelandic volcano erupted. I remember the combination of excitement, despair and camaraderie that developed over the 2-3 weeks it affected me. But then it was over and it was a fun anecdote ever after. This, though, I dunno. Hopefully the kids remember we were here and we never stopped trying (even though a couple of times we probably did).

virtue3 6y ago
I recommend detoxing on the FB poison. It's not real life. It's all pretend. That shit is basically guaranteed to make you feel worse about yourself. <3 Take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids!
- z3le 6y ago
  Once I limited my time on FB I felt better, it is really affecting your mental state. Unfortunately I have friends that I will forever lost contact with so I can't delete my profile. I deleted the app from my phone and logged out from everywhere except from 1 pc that I usually don't use. Now I am going on FB at most once a week for 10 mins. It has improved my life a lot.
  - zo1 6y ago
    Tip to surviving Facebook: If you must go through your feed, immediately start "hiding" toxic/hateful individuals that post nothing but bad content. If an individual only sometimes does so, start hiding their sources. E.g. If you see some friend that happens to post bad stuff from CNN or Breitbart and the content from that source upsets you but you want to see that friend's other content, then hide the page they're "sharing" from. Most of the time, people don't post original links/content, so it's a "share" from an existing page that you can hide.
arcturus17 6y ago
> family members literally crying because someone posted mean Dominic Cummings memes I’m really sorry to hear about your situation and I genuinely hope you and yours will cope, but this was hilarious.
zhobbs 6y ago
This was also my experience. It's easy to reflect on the day, or the week and feel like there was no joy, no break, no time where you got to do something you wanted or just relax. Our days were very long, as we did a staggered schedule with one of us starting work before 5a and the other ended around 7p so we were able to minimize unsupervised iPad time. We finally decided to send our toddler back to daycare last week. She is an only child who loves playing with other kids and we felt the health risks were small compared to the social development and mental health impact. I would say life now feels much more like a normal WFH situation. On reflection however, I realized my exhaustion prevented me from appreciating how much quality time I spent with my daughter, how much we were able to go outside and play every day, etc. Not looking to go back to that, but I would say just try to find time to take a deep breath, think about the good things that happened today, and give yourself a break on the compromises you had to make as a parent, spouse, or employee.
karlkatzke 6y ago
> trying to ignore everyone's amazing and enriching family activities posted in photo albums on Facebook when our kids are sat in pyjamas on the Nintendo Switch at 2pm Keep in mind that people only post when they've made the effort to get the kids dressed and doing something enriching. My wife and I, without children, only post something when the dogs are doing something cute or we've made some impressive food or when we've finished a project. We don't post anything about when we're showering at 4pm because we worked all day in pajamas or when we're searching amazon for an upholstery cleaner because our office chairs start smelling like body odor. There's JUST as much fail going on in families that are posting all that "look how sparkly we are" stuff. There's the families of teenagers who have given up trying to stop them going out, even after explaining to the teenagers "your parents are 50 and if you get them sick they may die." ... But Mom's "anxiety sourdough" is definitely on point, so she's got that going for her, which is good! But I agree with the other posters that you should probably turn off or at very least timebox social media consumption. And the "kids in PJs at 2pm playing on the Switch" is one type of coping mechanism (because kids have different stresses right now too with not having enough social interaction and some of your stress rolls downhill on top of it), so don't necessarily stop allowing them to have outlets, but maybe set a focus for a while on something like hygiene and get everyone to bathe by a certain time every day. Everything else... well, let it go, let it go, let it go...
tj0 6y ago
This resonates so much. In a very similar boat myself. A near four year old and near two year old, and a partner that is not as outdoorsy as myself makes for incredibly distracting days (toddler politics are crazy; those who know, know). As soon as I end my work day, I get both babies outside because they need that intensive activity more than I need to sit on the couch and be consumed by depression and anxiety. Doesn't help that despite a 20% salary cut, my hours of operation have only increased as my employer furloughed a large chunk of our workforce. My ol lady works on the weekends, so even after working 50 semi-productive hours a week (7AM to 6PM most days, sometimes later) I don't get a break as she works twelves Friday through Sunday, often from early afternoon to early morning. The mental toll has been substantial, which I'm sure has led to some lasting effects on those I share a roof with. After talking with my mother about this, it seems this is a multigenerational thing -- people that lived through Civil Rights, Woman's Sufferage, JFK, Vietnam, Korea, The Cold War, etc are just as heavily impacted. No one is functioning well right now. At the end of the day, all we can do is keep trying the best we can, and hopefully we don't release total a-holes to the world when all this is said and done. Hopefully we don't become total a-holes ourselves.
bargl 6y ago
Same boat (1.75 jobs and 3/6yo) so I'll share something that someone told me that gave me hope... Depending on your kids age, they will remember this differently than you do. This is the period where their parents were present more. Sure there was shortness, and sure there is conflict but they'll remember the tickle-fights, the games you play, the time you check out of work and just be part of their world. The other thing I think, is how grateful I am for my wife. I checkout sometimes. Shit, this weekend she told the kids to just give me a break for a little while and I needed it. But I checkout so I can come back and do the tickle fights without being resentful. You might be surprised that some of your kids best memories may be from this time.
Trasmatta 6y ago
Posts like this have definitely made me wonder whether quarantine is harder on people living alone or people with families. Probably comes down to the specifics of the person and their relationships. I live alone and generally enjoy my private life, but not having the option to see other people or share any amount of physical intimacy (even something as simple as a quick huge with a friend) has definitely been horrible on my mental health. People aren't meant to be alone this much (even for introverts) and there's a lot of evidence showing lack of physical touch can cause depression. But how would I have handled the stress of spending all this time in a small place with multiple people, or taking care of kids? On the one hand, it sounds incredibly challenging and relationship testing, especially for an introvert. But on the other, I find myself jealous of those that can hug their kids or their SO multiple times a day, where I haven't even had a handshake since March 15th. I guess it's hard on all of us, in unique ways.
davidshepherd7 6y ago
> It's exhausting, there's basically no downtime, and we end up in spirals of shame and guilt at being terrible parents, partners, employees. .... our kids are sat in pyjamas on the Nintendo Switch at 2pm ... I've been reading "Selfish reasons to have more kids" (Brian Caplan) recently in semi-preparation for becoming a parent, and, well I'll just quote the book summary > We've needlessly turned parenting into an unpleasant chore. Parents invest more time and money in their kids than ever, but the shocking lesson of twin and adoption research is that upbringing is much less important than genetics in the long run. These revelations have surprising implications for how we parent and how we spend time with our kids. The big lesson: Mold your kids less and enjoy your life more. Your kids will still turn out fine.

by thom 6y ago

virtue3 6y ago

I recommend detoxing on the FB poison. It's not real life. It's all pretend. That shit is basically guaranteed to make you feel worse about yourself. <3 Take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids!

z3le 6y ago
Once I limited my time on FB I felt better, it is really affecting your mental state. Unfortunately I have friends that I will forever lost contact with so I can't delete my profile. I deleted the app from my phone and logged out from everywhere except from 1 pc that I usually don't use. Now I am going on FB at most once a week for 10 mins. It has improved my life a lot.
- zo1 6y ago
  Tip to surviving Facebook: If you must go through your feed, immediately start "hiding" toxic/hateful individuals that post nothing but bad content. If an individual only sometimes does so, start hiding their sources. E.g. If you see some friend that happens to post bad stuff from CNN or Breitbart and the content from that source upsets you but you want to see that friend's other content, then hide the page they're "sharing" from. Most of the time, people don't post original links/content, so it's a "share" from an existing page that you can hide.

arcturus17 6y ago

> family members literally crying because someone posted mean Dominic Cummings memes I’m really sorry to hear about your situation and I genuinely hope you and yours will cope, but this was hilarious.

zhobbs 6y ago

This was also my experience. It's easy to reflect on the day, or the week and feel like there was no joy, no break, no time where you got to do something you wanted or just relax. Our days were very long, as we did a staggered schedule with one of us starting work before 5a and the other ended around 7p so we were able to minimize unsupervised iPad time. We finally decided to send our toddler back to daycare last week. She is an only child who loves playing with other kids and we felt the health risks were small compared to the social development and mental health impact. I would say life now feels much more like a normal WFH situation. On reflection however, I realized my exhaustion prevented me from appreciating how much quality time I spent with my daughter, how much we were able to go outside and play every day, etc. Not looking to go back to that, but I would say just try to find time to take a deep breath, think about the good things that happened today, and give yourself a break on the compromises you had to make as a parent, spouse, or employee.

karlkatzke 6y ago

> trying to ignore everyone's amazing and enriching family activities posted in photo albums on Facebook when our kids are sat in pyjamas on the Nintendo Switch at 2pm Keep in mind that people only post when they've made the effort to get the kids dressed and doing something enriching. My wife and I, without children, only post something when the dogs are doing something cute or we've made some impressive food or when we've finished a project. We don't post anything about when we're showering at 4pm because we worked all day in pajamas or when we're searching amazon for an upholstery cleaner because our office chairs start smelling like body odor. There's JUST as much fail going on in families that are posting all that "look how sparkly we are" stuff. There's the families of teenagers who have given up trying to stop them going out, even after explaining to the teenagers "your parents are 50 and if you get them sick they may die." ... But Mom's "anxiety sourdough" is definitely on point, so she's got that going for her, which is good! But I agree with the other posters that you should probably turn off or at very least timebox social media consumption. And the "kids in PJs at 2pm playing on the Switch" is one type of coping mechanism (because kids have different stresses right now too with not having enough social interaction and some of your stress rolls downhill on top of it), so don't necessarily stop allowing them to have outlets, but maybe set a focus for a while on something like hygiene and get everyone to bathe by a certain time every day. Everything else... well, let it go, let it go, let it go...

tj0 6y ago

This resonates so much. In a very similar boat myself. A near four year old and near two year old, and a partner that is not as outdoorsy as myself makes for incredibly distracting days (toddler politics are crazy; those who know, know). As soon as I end my work day, I get both babies outside because they need that intensive activity more than I need to sit on the couch and be consumed by depression and anxiety. Doesn't help that despite a 20% salary cut, my hours of operation have only increased as my employer furloughed a large chunk of our workforce. My ol lady works on the weekends, so even after working 50 semi-productive hours a week (7AM to 6PM most days, sometimes later) I don't get a break as she works twelves Friday through Sunday, often from early afternoon to early morning. The mental toll has been substantial, which I'm sure has led to some lasting effects on those I share a roof with. After talking with my mother about this, it seems this is a multigenerational thing -- people that lived through Civil Rights, Woman's Sufferage, JFK, Vietnam, Korea, The Cold War, etc are just as heavily impacted. No one is functioning well right now. At the end of the day, all we can do is keep trying the best we can, and hopefully we don't release total a-holes to the world when all this is said and done. Hopefully we don't become total a-holes ourselves.

bargl 6y ago

Same boat (1.75 jobs and 3/6yo) so I'll share something that someone told me that gave me hope... Depending on your kids age, they will remember this differently than you do. This is the period where their parents were present more. Sure there was shortness, and sure there is conflict but they'll remember the tickle-fights, the games you play, the time you check out of work and just be part of their world. The other thing I think, is how grateful I am for my wife. I checkout sometimes. Shit, this weekend she told the kids to just give me a break for a little while and I needed it. But I checkout so I can come back and do the tickle fights without being resentful. You might be surprised that some of your kids best memories may be from this time.

Trasmatta 6y ago

Posts like this have definitely made me wonder whether quarantine is harder on people living alone or people with families. Probably comes down to the specifics of the person and their relationships. I live alone and generally enjoy my private life, but not having the option to see other people or share any amount of physical intimacy (even something as simple as a quick huge with a friend) has definitely been horrible on my mental health. People aren't meant to be alone this much (even for introverts) and there's a lot of evidence showing lack of physical touch can cause depression. But how would I have handled the stress of spending all this time in a small place with multiple people, or taking care of kids? On the one hand, it sounds incredibly challenging and relationship testing, especially for an introvert. But on the other, I find myself jealous of those that can hug their kids or their SO multiple times a day, where I haven't even had a handshake since March 15th. I guess it's hard on all of us, in unique ways.

davidshepherd7 6y ago

> It's exhausting, there's basically no downtime, and we end up in spirals of shame and guilt at being terrible parents, partners, employees. .... our kids are sat in pyjamas on the Nintendo Switch at 2pm ... I've been reading "Selfish reasons to have more kids" (Brian Caplan) recently in semi-preparation for becoming a parent, and, well I'll just quote the book summary > We've needlessly turned parenting into an unpleasant chore. Parents invest more time and money in their kids than ever, but the shocking lesson of twin and adoption research is that upbringing is much less important than genetics in the long run. These revelations have surprising implications for how we parent and how we spend time with our kids. The big lesson: Mold your kids less and enjoy your life more. Your kids will still turn out fine.