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I had mixed feelings reading this. The writer seems an inspiring person, who went though a hard time having a baby. I feel less inspired when I see that even so

I had mixed feelings reading this. The writer seems an inspiring person, who went though a hard time having a baby. I feel less inspired when I see that even someone capable of such an amazing sequence of choices to create her own success, seems to succumb to the temptation to blame others for her own anger, both at externalities and at her own choices during early motherhood. But I suppose it's also humanizing because stress affects even successful people. I guess I hoped that people who had made it world be better at this stuff... but that's probably just me hoping my own future success will make everything easy. I like how she shares her journey even if I don't always agree with her reactions. It must have been really hard to go through what she went through. And that doesn't mean it was anyone else's fault or that it's just because she's a woman. I think reaching for the "this happened because I'm a woman" model of the world is a mistake because it's probably not accurate and in any case if you believe that it's disempowering because, like, you just have to accept "well I'm a woman that's my lot now." And if you believe that and then can't do blissful acceptance, the only natural consolation from that position is to take out anger on others. Which is not healthy for them or for you. That's a model of the world from which you can't make effective change so you're just left with anger at the difference between the way you want things and the way they are. blame and anger are tempting constellations but they don't help you make effective change and they speak out of powerlessness. so no individual is ever really powerless. it's okay to have those reactions of course it's normal and the choice comes in do we emphasize those and to what extent do we act on those and to what extent do we choose other actions and perspectives to emphasize. what leads to the best result for an individual? must be quite the identity crisis to go from not being a mother to being a mother and then also from being a founder and CEO to feeling out of place as an employee and finally exiting. in such an experience where all your former pillars of self-identity I changed or move away it's challenging to work out your orientation in the world and who you are so it's natural to reach for something that seems secure and seems to offer consolation. but I would warn against reaching for something which is a temporary consolation and not a long-term empowering perspective. if I was in this position I believe the best thing for me would be to try to integrate all that I've learned about myself into a empowering perspective on myself in the world and when I felt confident in that and then I'd work out what I wanted to do next. John Lennon said "you say you want to change the world, why don't you free your mind instead." I think we owe it to ourselves and to "our sons and daughters" to discourage people from adopting disempowering self-identities and perspectives and encourage them to adopt individually empowering ones. One of the things that can be emphasized by that, is personal responsibility. Another, as hinted by the writer, is managing emotions. I think another is owning emotions. I especially liked this part, and found it very empowering, and in my experience it's one one right way, "What I have found is that I cannot stop myself from being human, but I can practice dialing down the duration of negative feelings like anger, fear, and sadness."

victoriasun 6y ago
I agree we need to empower our next generation, but I don't agree with how you got there. First of all, I don't really see anything in her post that suggests she blamed others for her anger. Secondly, I find it odd that you are so quick to disavow her experiences as being.. "because I'm a woman" considering that she is literally discussing an experience (pregnancy, birth, infertility, miscarriage) that only biological women experience. Almost by definition this experience she describes is because she is female. I don't agree that it necessarily follows that acknowledging your gender (or other minority features) is disempowering. Unfortunately, the HN crowd tends to take an extraordinarily extreme view on this -- that it is only the case that women's experiences are purely interpretive, and that the only way to combat it is to pretend it doesn't exist. How odd is it that Lyft and Uber both exist, but its hard for us to imagine that the path to combatting oppression and finding self love within it can have different solutions? Consider this: Tracy, in the beginning of this article, has actually done exactly what you've suggested: she has tried to empower herself by disassociating herself from her female identity. By her own conclusion, it did not ultimately bring her happiness. And it would be absurd of us to argue that we know her happiness better than herself. Consider also this: men live a life deeply connected to their male identities, its just not as regularly analyzed as for the most part, a male identity is given standard. I think, actually, most of us have grown up believing in our own power and that the world is fair. Then we experience the ways that its not and struggle with that powerlessness. Some of us grow resentful to the prior generations for not adequately bettering the world or preparing us for the ways the world is unjust. It is clear to me that this model doesn't work. What if we empowered our kids by teaching them to love themselves and embrace their identities, rather than pretend they don't exist? What if we told them early on that the world is unjust and taught them to protect themselves?
- mongojunction 6y ago
  > I agree ... but .... I don't expect you to agree. In my experience, I expect us to have different views, that's OK. And it's likely we're misinterpreting each other's words...we each see there what we bring to it. It's not your responsibility if I misinterpret you, it's not my responsibility if you misinterpret me. In a way, that's more interesting, because instead of talking about topics and pretending, "I'm right", and pretending, "You're wrong", we get to just share and discuss and respond from each other's views. Stimulus, response. > First of all, ... no blame for anger I guess that’s how I feel when people complain about their own choices or the consequences of those. The rest of your responses to my words misrepresent or misinterpret what I mean.... > Secondly, I find it odd ... because she is female. I mean when bad things happen, don’t reach for the “this happened because I’m a woman”, because that’s disempowering. > I don't agree that ... acknowledging your gender (or other minority features) is disempowering. I mean, adopting a disempowering identity narrative ( that might include things like, “I’m a victim”, or “people are out to get me”, or “I’m inherently weak” ) is disempowering. > Unfortunately, ... HN, purely interpretive, don't exist I mean don't hide from what happens, what you chose, how you feel. Face that and choose a way to respond that empowers you. > How odd is it that Lyft and Uber....self love, warrior I’ll interpret as...you have to find self love through being a warrior against oppression. I don't think so. My view of self love, self worth, self respect is don’t rely on others for that. Be your own source. I think if you do what I interpret you as saying, your self love might be based on trying to hurt others you decide are wrong and seeking approval from others you decide are right. Actually, when you misinterpret what I wrote here in a way that seems, "You have to be an idiot or really bad to write that," I feel like hurting me because you've decided I'm wrong is what you're trying to do here... > Consider ... Tracy I mean face being a woman and write a powerful identity narrative about that. Dissociate yourself from disempowering fake victim narratives others seek to foist upon you. > Consider ... men It sounds like you reduce men or women to a label. Labels are not who you are. And it seems you’re saying, “Men uncritically accept whatever male identity they are given as an unearned entitlement.” Lets me feel like you lack empathy with the life of an individual deliberately creating their own identity through experience and effort, and are also willing to dismiss the identity development and the inner life of men, but...you’re all about combating not perpetrating oppression, right? > I think, actually, most of us ... doesn't work. I love this. Let me paraphrase to show some of my view. I think, actually, most of us have grown up believing in our own power and that the world is fair. Then we experience the ways that its not and struggle with that powerlessness. Some of us then adopt disempowering fake victim narratives, blame others, and feel justified in taking out our anger on them, while others grow their effectiveness by using their choices and taking personal responsibility. In my experience, it is clear to me that this model of fake blame and victimhood doesn’t work. > What if we empowered our kids by teaching them to love themselves and embrace their identities, rather than pretend they don't exist? Agree, but let’s not tell them who they are. Encourage to develop empowering not disempowering identities, and not to think that labels are who they are. They get to choose who they are. Labels are just what describes things, doesn’t proscribe things. > What if we told them early on that the world is unjust and taught them to protect themselves? In my experience, I needed to keep a balance. Let's let them know how to protect themselves, and also know how beautiful it is, and show them you can create a great life through your own efforts. And more, what if instead of “teaching” them...we showed them. With our own behavior. Shared with them how we faced different situations, and what we tried, and how that went and what we felt. And let them decide? After all, we're not running their lives, who they are is not up to us. We're just there to help them grow, guide them towards the light, but not shape the form they will take. So we shouldn't be too quick to paint the world through the lens of our own suffering and joy, and not to say to them, "this is the real world, the one truth", because there's as many paths through the world as there are individuals in it. Be an individual. I think one thing that's happening lately in the zeitgeist is the religion of labels. People need to form their own identity, the labels you use for me are not who I am. Just because old models of authority and morality are decaying (such as actual religions), doesn’t mean people can just invent their "religions" and force others to obey. Everyone who has the "black" label has to do "this" and is not allowed to do "that"? Crazy. Racist. Disempowering. Not freedom. Labels are not identity. You are not your labels. You are who you choose to be. Everyone can choose who they want to be. Write your own story. Also, my feedback is, in disagreeing with my view...it seems you've misinterpreted what I'm saying not in a generous way...isn't it enough to share your view, disagree with mine, but without pretending you're better than someone else? If your world view was really working for you, why'd you have to compensate insecurity like that? Anyway, thanks for the response and the chance to share my view...and be clear about it. I'm grateful for that and for knowing your view a bit more. I have way more to say about this, but I can't really say that such a response would be about what you've said. It's just a topic I'm really interested in. Wish you luck with what you're doing :)

victoriasun 6y ago

I agree we need to empower our next generation, but I don't agree with how you got there. First of all, I don't really see anything in her post that suggests she blamed others for her anger. Secondly, I find it odd that you are so quick to disavow her experiences as being.. "because I'm a woman" considering that she is literally discussing an experience (pregnancy, birth, infertility, miscarriage) that only biological women experience. Almost by definition this experience she describes is because she is female. I don't agree that it necessarily follows that acknowledging your gender (or other minority features) is disempowering. Unfortunately, the HN crowd tends to take an extraordinarily extreme view on this -- that it is only the case that women's experiences are purely interpretive, and that the only way to combat it is to pretend it doesn't exist. How odd is it that Lyft and Uber both exist, but its hard for us to imagine that the path to combatting oppression and finding self love within it can have different solutions? Consider this: Tracy, in the beginning of this article, has actually done exactly what you've suggested: she has tried to empower herself by disassociating herself from her female identity. By her own conclusion, it did not ultimately bring her happiness. And it would be absurd of us to argue that we know her happiness better than herself. Consider also this: men live a life deeply connected to their male identities, its just not as regularly analyzed as for the most part, a male identity is given standard. I think, actually, most of us have grown up believing in our own power and that the world is fair. Then we experience the ways that its not and struggle with that powerlessness. Some of us grow resentful to the prior generations for not adequately bettering the world or preparing us for the ways the world is unjust. It is clear to me that this model doesn't work. What if we empowered our kids by teaching them to love themselves and embrace their identities, rather than pretend they don't exist? What if we told them early on that the world is unjust and taught them to protect themselves?

mongojunction 6y ago
> I agree ... but .... I don't expect you to agree. In my experience, I expect us to have different views, that's OK. And it's likely we're misinterpreting each other's words...we each see there what we bring to it. It's not your responsibility if I misinterpret you, it's not my responsibility if you misinterpret me. In a way, that's more interesting, because instead of talking about topics and pretending, "I'm right", and pretending, "You're wrong", we get to just share and discuss and respond from each other's views. Stimulus, response. > First of all, ... no blame for anger I guess that’s how I feel when people complain about their own choices or the consequences of those. The rest of your responses to my words misrepresent or misinterpret what I mean.... > Secondly, I find it odd ... because she is female. I mean when bad things happen, don’t reach for the “this happened because I’m a woman”, because that’s disempowering. > I don't agree that ... acknowledging your gender (or other minority features) is disempowering. I mean, adopting a disempowering identity narrative ( that might include things like, “I’m a victim”, or “people are out to get me”, or “I’m inherently weak” ) is disempowering. > Unfortunately, ... HN, purely interpretive, don't exist I mean don't hide from what happens, what you chose, how you feel. Face that and choose a way to respond that empowers you. > How odd is it that Lyft and Uber....self love, warrior I’ll interpret as...you have to find self love through being a warrior against oppression. I don't think so. My view of self love, self worth, self respect is don’t rely on others for that. Be your own source. I think if you do what I interpret you as saying, your self love might be based on trying to hurt others you decide are wrong and seeking approval from others you decide are right. Actually, when you misinterpret what I wrote here in a way that seems, "You have to be an idiot or really bad to write that," I feel like hurting me because you've decided I'm wrong is what you're trying to do here... > Consider ... Tracy I mean face being a woman and write a powerful identity narrative about that. Dissociate yourself from disempowering fake victim narratives others seek to foist upon you. > Consider ... men It sounds like you reduce men or women to a label. Labels are not who you are. And it seems you’re saying, “Men uncritically accept whatever male identity they are given as an unearned entitlement.” Lets me feel like you lack empathy with the life of an individual deliberately creating their own identity through experience and effort, and are also willing to dismiss the identity development and the inner life of men, but...you’re all about combating not perpetrating oppression, right? > I think, actually, most of us ... doesn't work. I love this. Let me paraphrase to show some of my view. I think, actually, most of us have grown up believing in our own power and that the world is fair. Then we experience the ways that its not and struggle with that powerlessness. Some of us then adopt disempowering fake victim narratives, blame others, and feel justified in taking out our anger on them, while others grow their effectiveness by using their choices and taking personal responsibility. In my experience, it is clear to me that this model of fake blame and victimhood doesn’t work. > What if we empowered our kids by teaching them to love themselves and embrace their identities, rather than pretend they don't exist? Agree, but let’s not tell them who they are. Encourage to develop empowering not disempowering identities, and not to think that labels are who they are. They get to choose who they are. Labels are just what describes things, doesn’t proscribe things. > What if we told them early on that the world is unjust and taught them to protect themselves? In my experience, I needed to keep a balance. Let's let them know how to protect themselves, and also know how beautiful it is, and show them you can create a great life through your own efforts. And more, what if instead of “teaching” them...we showed them. With our own behavior. Shared with them how we faced different situations, and what we tried, and how that went and what we felt. And let them decide? After all, we're not running their lives, who they are is not up to us. We're just there to help them grow, guide them towards the light, but not shape the form they will take. So we shouldn't be too quick to paint the world through the lens of our own suffering and joy, and not to say to them, "this is the real world, the one truth", because there's as many paths through the world as there are individuals in it. Be an individual. I think one thing that's happening lately in the zeitgeist is the religion of labels. People need to form their own identity, the labels you use for me are not who I am. Just because old models of authority and morality are decaying (such as actual religions), doesn’t mean people can just invent their "religions" and force others to obey. Everyone who has the "black" label has to do "this" and is not allowed to do "that"? Crazy. Racist. Disempowering. Not freedom. Labels are not identity. You are not your labels. You are who you choose to be. Everyone can choose who they want to be. Write your own story. Also, my feedback is, in disagreeing with my view...it seems you've misinterpreted what I'm saying not in a generous way...isn't it enough to share your view, disagree with mine, but without pretending you're better than someone else? If your world view was really working for you, why'd you have to compensate insecurity like that? Anyway, thanks for the response and the chance to share my view...and be clear about it. I'm grateful for that and for knowing your view a bit more. I have way more to say about this, but I can't really say that such a response would be about what you've said. It's just a topic I'm really interested in. Wish you luck with what you're doing :)