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> Romantic relationships don't cure anger nor violence. I can honestly pinpoint you the day my life changed forever for the better. It's the day I lost my virg

> Romantic relationships don't cure anger nor violence. I can honestly pinpoint you the day my life changed forever for the better. It's the day I lost my virginity. That one moment where I felt myself being accepted made me realize I was good enough. Ever since then, I'd become less angry, more confident, more loving of myself, more charitable towards other people's insecurities instead of positioning myself higher in some imaginary pecking order. I am far from being truly non-judgmental. I am also still very competitive with others, not un-occasionally in some mean, vicious way. But I no longer feel completely rejected by women, which, for some reason, mattered so much before that very moment. Obviously, I am just one person and my anecdote may mean nothing to the breadth of your experiences. But I can't agree with this one sentence.

watwut 6y ago
Had you had "very aggressive behavior" before then and turned into non aggressive person by single sex act? That would be a.) unusual and not confirmed by any study b.) honestly still too much risk for an individual to get into relationship.
- whytaka 6y ago
  I would definitely say I had a much more toxic attitude towards others before. I recall back then fantasizing about violence, either self-inflicted or unto others. While I'm sure there may be many studies that illustrate the continued abusive behaviour of men who have romantic relationships, I ask myself whether it's possible to show how many men would've been otherwise angry and aggressive had they not experienced acceptance earlier in their lives. And perhaps I have not specifically addressed your point that it is risky to date known angry people. And I am sure you are right about that. The point I was making however is more about being a very young man, the insecurities felt as a teenager, the moments that can change the trajectories of their lives, before they become truly angry men. I only hope that other insecure young men could experience that kind of relief from anxiety as I did.
  - watwut 6y ago
    Yes, there is continuity of abusive behavior in relationship. In general, close family members and dependent people gets to experience that most. Note that this is not exclusive to male abuse, female abuse exists too and is more likely to happen to dependents and family. If you see sex as only proof of being accepted (as opposed to friendships and other social contacts), then I can see how it eases anxiety. It does not sound as if woman in question was important here. If it is about physical aspect, prostitution sounds like fair way to solve it. If it is about philosophical or social aspect, making self worth less dependent on sex would help there. The worth given by woman when having sex is however only illusion. Women deciding on having sex with you or not is not actually deciding on your worth. The range of reasons for sex varry quite a lot, from positive to negative, from emotional to practical or to physical or just routine. But actual decision making is not scoring of worth.
    - whytaka 6y ago
      I can't help but detect some cynicism in your response. Who it was with mattered. Being desired mattered. Buying it would have felt empty for me. > The worth given by woman when having sex is however only illusion. This isn't the first time I've encountered this idea. I'm sure everyone is exposed to the idea from a very young age. As a teenager, I would've accepted it rationally but rejected it emotionally. Being told something like that would be as effective as telling a hormonal teenager to stop being so emotional.
selimthegrim 6y ago
You're saying even if the sex was objectively bad in comparison with what you had later you still felt this way?
- whytaka 6y ago
  I am sorry, I don't really understand your question. Perhaps you could rephrase it.
  - selimthegrim 6y ago
    Why isn't the first time you had good sex more memorable to you than the time you lost your virginity? (It is rare they are the same time)
    - whytaka 6y ago
      Ah I see. Luckily for me, it was good the first time so I can't speak to your question from experience.

watwut 6y ago

Had you had "very aggressive behavior" before then and turned into non aggressive person by single sex act? That would be a.) unusual and not confirmed by any study b.) honestly still too much risk for an individual to get into relationship.

whytaka 6y ago
I would definitely say I had a much more toxic attitude towards others before. I recall back then fantasizing about violence, either self-inflicted or unto others. While I'm sure there may be many studies that illustrate the continued abusive behaviour of men who have romantic relationships, I ask myself whether it's possible to show how many men would've been otherwise angry and aggressive had they not experienced acceptance earlier in their lives. And perhaps I have not specifically addressed your point that it is risky to date known angry people. And I am sure you are right about that. The point I was making however is more about being a very young man, the insecurities felt as a teenager, the moments that can change the trajectories of their lives, before they become truly angry men. I only hope that other insecure young men could experience that kind of relief from anxiety as I did.
- watwut 6y ago
  Yes, there is continuity of abusive behavior in relationship. In general, close family members and dependent people gets to experience that most. Note that this is not exclusive to male abuse, female abuse exists too and is more likely to happen to dependents and family. If you see sex as only proof of being accepted (as opposed to friendships and other social contacts), then I can see how it eases anxiety. It does not sound as if woman in question was important here. If it is about physical aspect, prostitution sounds like fair way to solve it. If it is about philosophical or social aspect, making self worth less dependent on sex would help there. The worth given by woman when having sex is however only illusion. Women deciding on having sex with you or not is not actually deciding on your worth. The range of reasons for sex varry quite a lot, from positive to negative, from emotional to practical or to physical or just routine. But actual decision making is not scoring of worth.
  - whytaka 6y ago
    I can't help but detect some cynicism in your response. Who it was with mattered. Being desired mattered. Buying it would have felt empty for me. > The worth given by woman when having sex is however only illusion. This isn't the first time I've encountered this idea. I'm sure everyone is exposed to the idea from a very young age. As a teenager, I would've accepted it rationally but rejected it emotionally. Being told something like that would be as effective as telling a hormonal teenager to stop being so emotional.

selimthegrim 6y ago

You're saying even if the sex was objectively bad in comparison with what you had later you still felt this way?

whytaka 6y ago
I am sorry, I don't really understand your question. Perhaps you could rephrase it.
- selimthegrim 6y ago
  Why isn't the first time you had good sex more memorable to you than the time you lost your virginity? (It is rare they are the same time)
  - whytaka 6y ago
    Ah I see. Luckily for me, it was good the first time so I can't speak to your question from experience.