6 ms·

> instead there's a winner take all effect where a small number of men are having a lot of sex with a lot of women If true, I wonder how much of that is due to

by vzidex 6y ago

> instead there's a winner take all effect where a small number of men are having a lot of sex with a lot of women If true, I wonder how much of that is due to self-selection by men who aren't having sex. Having once upon a time been lonely and bitter, I know that men often end up in positive feedback loops that strengthen their not having sexual partners - due to the attitudes they develop towards women.

deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
ghostbrainalpha 6y ago
That's the thing about positive feedback loops. Sometimes they can be extremely negative.
deathgrips 6y ago
Regardless of the real quantity, society will blame all sexless men for their lack of sex because to acknowledge any other reality would mean that something is wrong with how we are dating.
- wayoutthere 6y ago
  App dating doesn’t work well for a whole lot of people — it‘s really bad if you’re fat, trans, disabled, or even just socially awkward. App culture is about looking for a reason to swipe left rather than finding someone you like and accepting their flaws. It sucks for everyone, it’s just easier for straight cis women under 35 who are able-bodied and of a certain size to get laid.
  - aianus 6y ago
    > it's really bad if you’re fat, disabled, or even just socially awkward Isn't it easier to hide these things on a Tinder profile than in a nightclub?
    - nicoburns 6y ago
      Not without outright lying about your appearance. People on Tinder are appearance focussed. People in real life are much more likely to look past those things. It also depends a lot of the kind of nightclub you go to.
    - wayoutthere 6y ago
      Nightclubs also suck; they’re the meatspace version of Tinder. Go out and do things during the day, be an interesting person and you will meet interesting people. Even if you don’t, you’ll at least have a good time.
      - deathgrips 6y ago
        This is true! It does take up a lot of time. If you are a decent looking, interesting guy and want to get dates, take up dancing and go to a lot of dances. I recently stopped going dancing because I got too busy with more important stuff.
  - apexalpha 6y ago
    Appdating was already very popular in the gay scene, so i don't think it only works for straight women under 35.. Furthermore, I think that these apps mostly reflect reality. In the offline world fat people would have a hard time finding dates too. Don't you think?
    - pas 6y ago
      The problem is that eventually they at least offline find someone. But on apps you can just wait a bit longer, spend a bit more time/money and hope to get lucky. Most of the problems with online social networks and dating apps are not brand new, just a lot more severe.
    - wayoutthere 6y ago
      The gay scene is very different; casual sex is far more normalized so everyone is getting laid more often. Queer dating is its own thing (I'm trans so I've dated as pretty much every gender / orientation at some point in my life). My experience when I was seen as a gay man is that it's actually hard to use the apps for "dating" versus casual sex -- so many people are just looking for sex that you'll just get your heart broken over and over again until you, too lower your expectations and stop hoping for more out of the apps. The apps simply reflect peoples' superficial preferences. It's way easier to swipe left on a photo of a fat guy than it is to reject a fat guy who you find attractive because he is kind and makes you laugh. Personality really is most of it, but personality doesn't come through in apps.
wayoutthere 6y ago
I very much think this is the case — misogyny combined with low self-esteem is a huge red flag for women. Growing up, misogyny was much more acceptable than it is today; and I don’t think a lot of men understand what it’s like to be a woman so they don’t understand how widespread it still is. Therapy helps; if you can boost your own self-esteem enough to have real vulnerability without soliciting sympathy it goes a long way to building better relationships. It also helps you see things from another perspective.

by vzidex 6y ago

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

ghostbrainalpha 6y ago

That's the thing about positive feedback loops. Sometimes they can be extremely negative.

deathgrips 6y ago

Regardless of the real quantity, society will blame all sexless men for their lack of sex because to acknowledge any other reality would mean that something is wrong with how we are dating.

wayoutthere 6y ago
App dating doesn’t work well for a whole lot of people — it‘s really bad if you’re fat, trans, disabled, or even just socially awkward. App culture is about looking for a reason to swipe left rather than finding someone you like and accepting their flaws. It sucks for everyone, it’s just easier for straight cis women under 35 who are able-bodied and of a certain size to get laid.
- aianus 6y ago
  > it's really bad if you’re fat, disabled, or even just socially awkward Isn't it easier to hide these things on a Tinder profile than in a nightclub?
  - nicoburns 6y ago
    Not without outright lying about your appearance. People on Tinder are appearance focussed. People in real life are much more likely to look past those things. It also depends a lot of the kind of nightclub you go to.
  - wayoutthere 6y ago
    Nightclubs also suck; they’re the meatspace version of Tinder. Go out and do things during the day, be an interesting person and you will meet interesting people. Even if you don’t, you’ll at least have a good time.
    - deathgrips 6y ago
      This is true! It does take up a lot of time. If you are a decent looking, interesting guy and want to get dates, take up dancing and go to a lot of dances. I recently stopped going dancing because I got too busy with more important stuff.
- apexalpha 6y ago
  Appdating was already very popular in the gay scene, so i don't think it only works for straight women under 35.. Furthermore, I think that these apps mostly reflect reality. In the offline world fat people would have a hard time finding dates too. Don't you think?
  - pas 6y ago
    The problem is that eventually they at least offline find someone. But on apps you can just wait a bit longer, spend a bit more time/money and hope to get lucky. Most of the problems with online social networks and dating apps are not brand new, just a lot more severe.
  - wayoutthere 6y ago
    The gay scene is very different; casual sex is far more normalized so everyone is getting laid more often. Queer dating is its own thing (I'm trans so I've dated as pretty much every gender / orientation at some point in my life). My experience when I was seen as a gay man is that it's actually hard to use the apps for "dating" versus casual sex -- so many people are just looking for sex that you'll just get your heart broken over and over again until you, too lower your expectations and stop hoping for more out of the apps. The apps simply reflect peoples' superficial preferences. It's way easier to swipe left on a photo of a fat guy than it is to reject a fat guy who you find attractive because he is kind and makes you laugh. Personality really is most of it, but personality doesn't come through in apps.

wayoutthere 6y ago

I very much think this is the case — misogyny combined with low self-esteem is a huge red flag for women. Growing up, misogyny was much more acceptable than it is today; and I don’t think a lot of men understand what it’s like to be a woman so they don’t understand how widespread it still is. Therapy helps; if you can boost your own self-esteem enough to have real vulnerability without soliciting sympathy it goes a long way to building better relationships. It also helps you see things from another perspective.