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I recently got feedback that I speak at too low level and with too much emotion/passion. Still digesting it. I think it is a variant of what I’ve heard before,

I recently got feedback that I speak at too low level and with too much emotion/passion. Still digesting it. I think it is a variant of what I’ve heard before, which is that I leap from A to C assuming everyone understands that A and C both connect to B. It’s frustrating because that’s the style I enjoy for receiving information. When someone makes a jump like that, it intrigues me especially when I don’t see the connection. It triggers easy questions when needed. Another one I run into is assumed consensus. I make a statement without saying that it is a team consensus, and people outside the team assume the opposite, that I’m going rogue or something. Then there is dismissive agreement, something I both do and dislike when done to me. Basically “yeah but that’s not what I want to focus on”. I’m intrigued by the Amazon style of memo writing and reading in advance of meetings, as I think a lot of communication issues can be solved by making clear why we are sitting in a room talking right now, and ensuring everyone has the same background information.

BeetleB 6y ago
> I recently got feedback that I speak at too low level and with too much emotion/passion. How often do you get this feedback? Was it from just the one person? If so, have you asked others if they perceived you similarly? Of all the people you asked, how many agreed/disagreed? Unless there is consensus, don't assume it is true. The majority of times someone gives you feedback like this, it is about them. They usually have a need, are expecting you to provide it. Instead, focus on what that need is. Heck, even if there is consensus in the feedback you get, you should still try to figure out what their real problem is: Yes, you speak at a low level. OK - so what? What problem is that causing for them? The trick is to learn to ask these questions nonconfrontationally (definitely do not respond with "So what?") General steps would be to indicate you've heard them, express some concern, and then ask. Something like: "It would concern me if my voice level is creating problems for our communication/work. It would help me if you could give me an example so I understand better." (This is not the best phrasing, but is probably adequate). You can take it from there based on the response. Ask how they would have preferred you said it. In the end, though, try to find out why it was a problem. Are they intimidated by you when you speak passionately? Are they mishearing you because of the low volume? The other issue is the use of "too" in their statement. How low is too low? How much is too much? Best to get examples so you get an idea. BTW, it's not unusual to find out that it really wasn't a problem when you probe them. People use "too much" even when it isn't. I once took a communications workshop where the instructor drilled two messages: 1. Everything anyone says or does is in service of his/her needs. 2. Never believe what people say about you. The first one is your example. They're giving you that feedback because of some need they have that's not being met. The second one is not a license to behave however you want, but is tied to the first. People can get frustrated by something, and are not good at expressing it, and often take it out on people. I would get all kinds of negative feedback about me, and it was very confusing. When I probed others if they felt similarly, I would often get sharp divides - a lot of people felt there was nothing wrong about my behavior (or even advocated for it) - others hated it. Only when I got more into effective communications did I start realizing that most of the people who were complaining about me merely had different preferences, and it wasn't that I was loud/stubborn/impatient/dull - it was that they had unspoken expectations from me that I wasn't meeting. Often having a mere conversation about the issue would resolve the problems without my having to change my behavior. All this is not easy to do, BTW. I'm still poor at it.

BeetleB 6y ago

> I recently got feedback that I speak at too low level and with too much emotion/passion. How often do you get this feedback? Was it from just the one person? If so, have you asked others if they perceived you similarly? Of all the people you asked, how many agreed/disagreed? Unless there is consensus, don't assume it is true. The majority of times someone gives you feedback like this, it is about them. They usually have a need, are expecting you to provide it. Instead, focus on what that need is. Heck, even if there is consensus in the feedback you get, you should still try to figure out what their real problem is: Yes, you speak at a low level. OK - so what? What problem is that causing for them? The trick is to learn to ask these questions nonconfrontationally (definitely do not respond with "So what?") General steps would be to indicate you've heard them, express some concern, and then ask. Something like: "It would concern me if my voice level is creating problems for our communication/work. It would help me if you could give me an example so I understand better." (This is not the best phrasing, but is probably adequate). You can take it from there based on the response. Ask how they would have preferred you said it. In the end, though, try to find out why it was a problem. Are they intimidated by you when you speak passionately? Are they mishearing you because of the low volume? The other issue is the use of "too" in their statement. How low is too low? How much is too much? Best to get examples so you get an idea. BTW, it's not unusual to find out that it really wasn't a problem when you probe them. People use "too much" even when it isn't. I once took a communications workshop where the instructor drilled two messages: 1. Everything anyone says or does is in service of his/her needs. 2. Never believe what people say about you. The first one is your example. They're giving you that feedback because of some need they have that's not being met. The second one is not a license to behave however you want, but is tied to the first. People can get frustrated by something, and are not good at expressing it, and often take it out on people. I would get all kinds of negative feedback about me, and it was very confusing. When I probed others if they felt similarly, I would often get sharp divides - a lot of people felt there was nothing wrong about my behavior (or even advocated for it) - others hated it. Only when I got more into effective communications did I start realizing that most of the people who were complaining about me merely had different preferences, and it wasn't that I was loud/stubborn/impatient/dull - it was that they had unspoken expectations from me that I wasn't meeting. Often having a mere conversation about the issue would resolve the problems without my having to change my behavior. All this is not easy to do, BTW. I'm still poor at it.