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The biggest thing I have found to keep in love is kindness. Sure, I could come up with a cutting, sarcastic rejoinder in on something my spouse says, but that w

The biggest thing I have found to keep in love is kindness. Sure, I could come up with a cutting, sarcastic rejoinder in on something my spouse says, but that would be unkind and cause pain. If you look at the list presented, there is vitriol in pretty much every question. Don’t do that. Also, along the same lines as kindness, never speak ill of your spouse or put them down in front of anyone. Be their biggest fan. Speak kindly. Act kindly. No matter how you feel, make it a habit. This will go a long way towards a good, long-lasting relationship.

jeppebemad 6y ago
Thank you. As first time parents, my spouse and I are currently feeling the fire from under us, and need to remind ourselves to put it out, together. I wonder what thirty six questions will make a couple fall in love _again_?
- burlesona 6y ago
  I was told before getting married that the single most dangerous thing to a relationship is contempt, and that if you want the marriage to last, never tolerate contempt from either person. That has turned out to be very good advice. Every now and then one of us will have a moment, we'll say something contemptuous, and the other will call it out immediately. Because we both had that understanding, right off the bat, it's like this escape hatch to conflict that cuts things off before they become hurtful. Keeping "the spark alive" I think is difficult with kids. Really, you need quality time alone together, which becomes very hard to get. I think to some degree one of the important things beyond the "no contempt" rule is to remember that one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is a healthy and loving family, and in that you can start to find a new respect for your partner as the fellow parent of your child. There can be a really special camaraderie where you're "in it together" doing this difficult job of raising a young child. It does get easier as the kids get bigger. 9-18 months is pretty difficult, but it's partially offset because after age 1 they start being so much more interesting, and by 2 the personality is really developed and a lot of fun. It's hard, but worth it. Hang in there!
  - Gibbon1 6y ago
    What I've seen is relationships where one or both people are displaying contempt for each other, either end or worse continue. Merging the child rearing culture from two families is often a source of friction. Personally I think a lot of that is over things that don't matter as children are pretty adaptable. And yeah it usually gets progressively easier after kids get to school age.
  - ido 6y ago
    As a parent of 2 boys (just under 2 & just over 4 year olds), I would say the hard part began at ~18 months with both our kids. Our oldest is now already much easier than he was a year or 2 ago. first year was the easiest with both - the only real difficulty was the sleep deprivation.
- mono-bob 6y ago
  The questions to fall in love are listed here: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/style/36-questions-that-lead-to-love.html https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/style/36-questions-that-l... I once translated these to Dutch and made a "nested" slide deck of these using reveal.js so I could display these large and nicely on a smartphone and could navigate them by swiping. I put the slideshow on my webserver and printed and the QR code to the domain on an index card. Then I took my girlfriend, who is now my wife, on a date to a nice restaurant and gave her the index card. We knew each other for quite some time but that night we got to know each other even better. It was a lovely night.
moneywoes 6y ago
Do you believe this can be applied generally to everyone
trabant00 6y ago
> never speak ill of your spouse or put them down in front of anyone. Be their biggest fan. > Speak kindly. Act kindly. No matter how you feel Really? No matter what they do, no matter how they make you feel? Never, ever?
- CodeWriter23 6y ago
  If it’s like that, it’s time to call a divorce attorney.
- mikekchar 6y ago
  Not OP, but I agree completely (even though I find it hard)! Really. Never. It will never, ever give you any benefit at all to speak ill of your spouse. It will give you nothing to act unkindly. It will only cause your spouse to feel justified in doing the same. As the other poster said, there are times when you should walk away from situations. There are healthy relationships and there are unhealthy relationships. If you honestly don't believe that the relationship can be a healthy one, it's time to leave. Especially if you are suffering from any kind of abuse in the relationship and you have unsuccessfully tried to resolve it, don't hesitate. Don't make or accept excuses. Heck, don't feel you even need to resolve the issue if you are getting serious abuse. Just leave. There is no reason to retaliate in any way. Doing so will hurt you as well. The situation is what it is. You can explain the situation, explain your feelings and leave it at that. Or if you can't safely explain things (for fear of retaliation from the other side), then just leave without an explanation. Start the healing process immediately. Don't start a knife fight and then crawl away even more wounded. For smaller issues, I've found (much to my dismay) that if my wife is doing something that hurts me, she is completely unaware that it hurts me. Even if it obvious to me that it should be hurtful, it's not obvious to her. If I'm snarky about it, then she is hurt. Now it is doubly hard to improve the situation. If she is not hurt, then it is relatively easy to have a non-confrontational conversation about what happened. I control all of the hurt feelings, because they are mine. If she is hurt, then I have to rely on her to work out her feelings in addition to listening to my problems. It very rarely works out well.
  - trabant00 6y ago
tartoran 6y ago
Yes, this, absolutely but I need to add that this works only if there is reciprocity. There are bad dynamics out there where one is kind and the other simply takes but does not give back

jeppebemad 6y ago

Thank you. As first time parents, my spouse and I are currently feeling the fire from under us, and need to remind ourselves to put it out, together. I wonder what thirty six questions will make a couple fall in love _again_?

burlesona 6y ago
I was told before getting married that the single most dangerous thing to a relationship is contempt, and that if you want the marriage to last, never tolerate contempt from either person. That has turned out to be very good advice. Every now and then one of us will have a moment, we'll say something contemptuous, and the other will call it out immediately. Because we both had that understanding, right off the bat, it's like this escape hatch to conflict that cuts things off before they become hurtful. Keeping "the spark alive" I think is difficult with kids. Really, you need quality time alone together, which becomes very hard to get. I think to some degree one of the important things beyond the "no contempt" rule is to remember that one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is a healthy and loving family, and in that you can start to find a new respect for your partner as the fellow parent of your child. There can be a really special camaraderie where you're "in it together" doing this difficult job of raising a young child. It does get easier as the kids get bigger. 9-18 months is pretty difficult, but it's partially offset because after age 1 they start being so much more interesting, and by 2 the personality is really developed and a lot of fun. It's hard, but worth it. Hang in there!
- Gibbon1 6y ago
  What I've seen is relationships where one or both people are displaying contempt for each other, either end or worse continue. Merging the child rearing culture from two families is often a source of friction. Personally I think a lot of that is over things that don't matter as children are pretty adaptable. And yeah it usually gets progressively easier after kids get to school age.
- ido 6y ago
  As a parent of 2 boys (just under 2 & just over 4 year olds), I would say the hard part began at ~18 months with both our kids. Our oldest is now already much easier than he was a year or 2 ago. first year was the easiest with both - the only real difficulty was the sleep deprivation.
mono-bob 6y ago
The questions to fall in love are listed here: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/style/36-questions-that-lead-to-love.html https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/style/36-questions-that-l... I once translated these to Dutch and made a "nested" slide deck of these using reveal.js so I could display these large and nicely on a smartphone and could navigate them by swiping. I put the slideshow on my webserver and printed and the QR code to the domain on an index card. Then I took my girlfriend, who is now my wife, on a date to a nice restaurant and gave her the index card. We knew each other for quite some time but that night we got to know each other even better. It was a lovely night.

moneywoes 6y ago

Do you believe this can be applied generally to everyone

trabant00 6y ago

> never speak ill of your spouse or put them down in front of anyone. Be their biggest fan. > Speak kindly. Act kindly. No matter how you feel Really? No matter what they do, no matter how they make you feel? Never, ever?

CodeWriter23 6y ago
If it’s like that, it’s time to call a divorce attorney.
mikekchar 6y ago
Not OP, but I agree completely (even though I find it hard)! Really. Never. It will never, ever give you any benefit at all to speak ill of your spouse. It will give you nothing to act unkindly. It will only cause your spouse to feel justified in doing the same. As the other poster said, there are times when you should walk away from situations. There are healthy relationships and there are unhealthy relationships. If you honestly don't believe that the relationship can be a healthy one, it's time to leave. Especially if you are suffering from any kind of abuse in the relationship and you have unsuccessfully tried to resolve it, don't hesitate. Don't make or accept excuses. Heck, don't feel you even need to resolve the issue if you are getting serious abuse. Just leave. There is no reason to retaliate in any way. Doing so will hurt you as well. The situation is what it is. You can explain the situation, explain your feelings and leave it at that. Or if you can't safely explain things (for fear of retaliation from the other side), then just leave without an explanation. Start the healing process immediately. Don't start a knife fight and then crawl away even more wounded. For smaller issues, I've found (much to my dismay) that if my wife is doing something that hurts me, she is completely unaware that it hurts me. Even if it obvious to me that it should be hurtful, it's not obvious to her. If I'm snarky about it, then she is hurt. Now it is doubly hard to improve the situation. If she is not hurt, then it is relatively easy to have a non-confrontational conversation about what happened. I control all of the hurt feelings, because they are mine. If she is hurt, then I have to rely on her to work out her feelings in addition to listening to my problems. It very rarely works out well.
- trabant00 6y ago

tartoran 6y ago

Yes, this, absolutely but I need to add that this works only if there is reciprocity. There are bad dynamics out there where one is kind and the other simply takes but does not give back