It would be impossible for anyone (but you) to untangle all the mixed emotions, motivations, expectations and desires expressed in this post. I get the sense t

It would be impossible for anyone (but you) to untangle all the mixed emotions, motivations, expectations and desires expressed in this post. I get the sense that you are becoming aware of some facts about your career choices that you are afraid to face. Maybe programming isn't for you, maybe quitting your job wasn't such a good idea, who knows? But you should have an honest talk with the guy in the mirror and figure out what you really like, what you are actually good at and then make a plan. Its true, as others advise, that some times you have to push your self to get to the next level or reach that important goal. But it is also true that such periods of effort and focus should not feel like drudgery. In my experience, if I like what I am doing that effort is work but not drudgery. When I start to feel drudgery creeping into my work life I know that is a sign to examine what am I doing and why. (Of course, every job has some drudgery elements such as paperwork or meetings but it can't be the whole deal).