I do not live in a country with extreme lockdown. Neither have I been economically affected by this. But my coping mechanism for depression was hitting the gym.

I do not live in a country with extreme lockdown. Neither have I been economically affected by this. But my coping mechanism for depression was hitting the gym. Not just the excercises themselves but the entire ritual. The moment I feel the smell of the place, places I go to atleast 3, I get a sense of calm and focus. I really tried my best with a rudimentary home gym and tried some running when it was possible due to weather. It took me years to build up the gym strategy. It took a day to break it down. After a few weeks in lockdown without my ritual I felt the old blackness creeping back. The complete lack of human interaction other than the synthetic zoom sessions that do nothing for me. I dont feel any human connection over zoom. And I wonder if all the articles of the fun zoom hen parties arent just satire. Like when priests were trying to make jesus cool during my teen years. Lockdown has lifted a bit and I have started to meet people in person again. Always distanced. I imagine this is what lepers felt. Everone goes out of their way to stay safe. Being close might make you sick. I and you are hosts for the viral plague. Out to cause our fellow human beings with unneccesary suffering with our pesky needs to see other human faces. See a strangers frown or smile. 2 days ago I went to the mall for some food and just get, once completely norma, take away coffee. I met an old collegue and she broke all protocol and just spontaniosly hugged me. I started to sob. Unctrollably. I think the last time someone touched me was march. Or maybe late february. I have a therapist. Losing access to her did not bother me all that much. I have no financial issues or physical ailments. I have spent these past few months sobbing, randomly. Pulling myself out of bed, wondering if its tuesday or saturday. Wondering why I could not just die in my sleep so I dont have to face another day of being an absolutely useless piece of space that no one cares about. That hug broke something awful and my poor chocked collegue may never know what an incredible gesture that completely normal sentiment was for me. I no longer feel like a disgusting host for viral pestilence. The gym opens in a week. And if it closes down again. At least this time I know what to expect and can prepare.