5 ms·

> No, but if I were you I would at least consider that there might be a "misunderstanding" leading to you having to find alternative accommodation. Why, on a s

> No, but if I were you I would at least consider that there might be a "misunderstanding" leading to you having to find alternative accommodation. Why, on a site like couchsurfing, would there be any implied sex, or opportunity for misunderstanding around 'sex for surfing'? It's blatantly outside the standards and norms of the community.

CapricornNoble 6y ago
I think he's arguing (and I would agree) that it is blatantly WITHIN the standards and norms for some dudes to complete ignore community mores and bend/break every rule imaginable to get laid. The risk is non-zero. At the individual level, everyone should acknowledge the risk, assess it, and implement control measures to reduce its potential impacts on you, personally. To fail to account for it is simply dangerously naive. I don't think I've used Couchsurfer since....2012? Roughly the same time I discovered Tinder. I absolutely treated CS as a dating site where you had to be extremely discrete/low-key in your approach. I rarely offered my couch but did offer local tour guide-like services to cute women which was essentially a first date. I would never consider staying at a male host's place; even as a Marine I would assume the rape/murder risk too high. Maybe I'm just a misanthropic cynic but I don't trust anyone to behave themselves. I also have never seen the appeal of the "broke backpacker" travel methodology, perhaps colored by experiences living out of a backpack in the military, which usually sucks. If I have the money to fly halfway around the world, I should have the money to afford comfortable private accommodations. If I'm going to mingle, I'd prefer to mingle with the locals rather than other foreigners on a shoestring budget (or rich people PRETENDING to be on a shoestring budget).
- namdnay 6y ago
  > If I'm going to mingle, I'd prefer to mingle with the locals rather than other foreigners I don't understand you here: that's the whole point of couchsurfing! You're staying with "real people", instead of yet another backpacker hostel
  - CapricornNoble 6y ago
    Sorry I kinda jumped subjects mid-post from Couchsurfing to backpacking, after reading some comments of how many CS guests are just trying to get a dirt-cheap roof over their head and don't interact much with their host. I don't recall many "local single woman hosting single guy" posts back in 2011-12 when I used CS anyway, not for places I was considering (Eastern Europe and SE Asia).
- buttersbrian 6y ago
  Yes, dudes are going to be creepy. The earth is round. Some will work outside the spirit of couchsurfing. Yourself included, to a degree. Ok. But he also was arguing, IIUC, that the sex for stay is implied for women. I get that people will use it that way, but implying that it is any sort of norm is a very perverted view of couchsurfing. One that I never experienced, or found to be normal from many people i've talked to along the way.
  - globular-toast 6y ago
    It's not creepy, it's how human babies are made. I didn't mean it was sex for stay, just that for many people the whole experience was very much sexual. I mean, for crying out loud, it's a young, attractive woman going to stay at some dude's bachelor pad. Some people here must think women are so stupid. They know exactly what's going on.
  - CapricornNoble 6y ago
    >>>But he also was arguing, IIUC, that the sex for stay is implied for women. Ok, I see the distinction you are making but....I think all women should operate under the assumption that if a man invites you into a private residence, for ANY reason, sex is on the menu. At least that way one is never (negatively) surprised. If I have daughters I think this is an important thing to drill into their heads. A guy says he wants to show you his collection of Warhammer 40,000 figures, at 1pm? You still won't be taken aback when he's suddenly pantsless. >>>implying that it is any sort of norm is a very perverted view of couchsurfing. One that I never experienced, or found to be normal from many people i've talked to along the way. I think my experience is just the opposite, but about 95% of my social circle is manwhores, the other 5% are males who aren't manwhores, but wish they were (a mix of younger, inexperienced officers or civilian IT/engineer guys). But this is why I'm on HN, to step outside of my bubble and exchange experiences with people with radically different backgrounds and perspectives.
    - buttersbrian 6y ago
      LOL @ warhammer. I understand the sentiment, and the reason one might prepare one's daughter. I think that is healthy, in preparing them to deal life. But that doesn't mean it should be accepted, tacitly or otherwise. >I think my experience is just the opposite, but about 95% of my social circle is manwhores I get ya. Been there. I just feel we need to move from is implied consent. Couchsurfing and implying consent means the women either puts up with it (leveraged consent is ugly) or ends up on the streets. That is not good, and can be avoided if people are just more forward, even tactfully so. I suspect that this leverage is exactly why they choose the couchsurfing, and that mixed without transparency is ... eeesh, imo. I'm not apart of the "tinder" generation per se, but I think the (at times gross) honesty is largely positive. People who scoff at the screen shots of people openly discussing sex are being prudish and don't understand that merely being transparent is a net positive.

CapricornNoble 6y ago

I think he's arguing (and I would agree) that it is blatantly WITHIN the standards and norms for some dudes to complete ignore community mores and bend/break every rule imaginable to get laid. The risk is non-zero. At the individual level, everyone should acknowledge the risk, assess it, and implement control measures to reduce its potential impacts on you, personally. To fail to account for it is simply dangerously naive. I don't think I've used Couchsurfer since....2012? Roughly the same time I discovered Tinder. I absolutely treated CS as a dating site where you had to be extremely discrete/low-key in your approach. I rarely offered my couch but did offer local tour guide-like services to cute women which was essentially a first date. I would never consider staying at a male host's place; even as a Marine I would assume the rape/murder risk too high. Maybe I'm just a misanthropic cynic but I don't trust anyone to behave themselves. I also have never seen the appeal of the "broke backpacker" travel methodology, perhaps colored by experiences living out of a backpack in the military, which usually sucks. If I have the money to fly halfway around the world, I should have the money to afford comfortable private accommodations. If I'm going to mingle, I'd prefer to mingle with the locals rather than other foreigners on a shoestring budget (or rich people PRETENDING to be on a shoestring budget).

namdnay 6y ago
> If I'm going to mingle, I'd prefer to mingle with the locals rather than other foreigners I don't understand you here: that's the whole point of couchsurfing! You're staying with "real people", instead of yet another backpacker hostel
- CapricornNoble 6y ago
  Sorry I kinda jumped subjects mid-post from Couchsurfing to backpacking, after reading some comments of how many CS guests are just trying to get a dirt-cheap roof over their head and don't interact much with their host. I don't recall many "local single woman hosting single guy" posts back in 2011-12 when I used CS anyway, not for places I was considering (Eastern Europe and SE Asia).
buttersbrian 6y ago
Yes, dudes are going to be creepy. The earth is round. Some will work outside the spirit of couchsurfing. Yourself included, to a degree. Ok. But he also was arguing, IIUC, that the sex for stay is implied for women. I get that people will use it that way, but implying that it is any sort of norm is a very perverted view of couchsurfing. One that I never experienced, or found to be normal from many people i've talked to along the way.
- globular-toast 6y ago
  It's not creepy, it's how human babies are made. I didn't mean it was sex for stay, just that for many people the whole experience was very much sexual. I mean, for crying out loud, it's a young, attractive woman going to stay at some dude's bachelor pad. Some people here must think women are so stupid. They know exactly what's going on.
- CapricornNoble 6y ago
  >>>But he also was arguing, IIUC, that the sex for stay is implied for women. Ok, I see the distinction you are making but....I think all women should operate under the assumption that if a man invites you into a private residence, for ANY reason, sex is on the menu. At least that way one is never (negatively) surprised. If I have daughters I think this is an important thing to drill into their heads. A guy says he wants to show you his collection of Warhammer 40,000 figures, at 1pm? You still won't be taken aback when he's suddenly pantsless. >>>implying that it is any sort of norm is a very perverted view of couchsurfing. One that I never experienced, or found to be normal from many people i've talked to along the way. I think my experience is just the opposite, but about 95% of my social circle is manwhores, the other 5% are males who aren't manwhores, but wish they were (a mix of younger, inexperienced officers or civilian IT/engineer guys). But this is why I'm on HN, to step outside of my bubble and exchange experiences with people with radically different backgrounds and perspectives.
  - buttersbrian 6y ago
    LOL @ warhammer. I understand the sentiment, and the reason one might prepare one's daughter. I think that is healthy, in preparing them to deal life. But that doesn't mean it should be accepted, tacitly or otherwise. >I think my experience is just the opposite, but about 95% of my social circle is manwhores I get ya. Been there. I just feel we need to move from is implied consent. Couchsurfing and implying consent means the women either puts up with it (leveraged consent is ugly) or ends up on the streets. That is not good, and can be avoided if people are just more forward, even tactfully so. I suspect that this leverage is exactly why they choose the couchsurfing, and that mixed without transparency is ... eeesh, imo. I'm not apart of the "tinder" generation per se, but I think the (at times gross) honesty is largely positive. People who scoff at the screen shots of people openly discussing sex are being prudish and don't understand that merely being transparent is a net positive.