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I have a conflicting relationship with "How to Win Friends and Influence People," and maybe some of you may relate to this. Disclaimer: I only read a small, in

by giu 6y ago

I have a conflicting relationship with "How to Win Friends and Influence People," and maybe some of you may relate to this. Disclaimer: I only read a small, initial part of the book, and I'll explain the reasons behind this. For one, I liked the initial parts of it; for example, remembering first names is a nice and very attentive thing to do, and in general people appreciate it when I can remember their first name after meeting them a second and third time. On the other side, I found it to be of a very manipulative nature (shouldn't be a surprise; the title contains an "influence people" part), which rubbed me the wrong way; the book presents some techniques that help you get "what you want," but are quite superficial and hollow, i.e., you only pretend to be interested. That's why I decided to stop reading the book. The conflicting part in all this is the fact that I see this book recommended all the time (and it's one of the best-selling books of all-time), but I just cannot ignore its manipulative nature. It might be that I'm simply not part of its target audience or that I'm misinterpreting the messages in the book. Nonetheless, I'd be interested to read your (and other fellow HNers) comments on this book.

enitihas 6y ago
I agree with what you said. The book encourages all kinds of shortcuts (not explicitly though), and later on I found other books to be much better on the same topics. However, it is very very easy to read and follow. And if you are not a social person, the book is a good first read.
poulsbohemian 6y ago
It's probably been 32 years since I read How to Win Friends, but my take on it was that it is like many things we learn throughout life - first we model, they we practice, finally we make it part of our nature, and eventually we achieve mastery. I didn't come away with the impression that the techniques are intended to be used in a hollow, phony way, so much as to show the reader a set of steps to get started toward genuinely showing interest in other people. Not everyone can jump right in to Siddhartha or Zen and the Art or some of these heavier books that might take people out of their default self-absorption towards greater awareness of other people and their needs, but Carnegie wrote something that is easy to access and get people started down a path.
freeqaz 6y ago
I think the book is very polarizing. You either read it as “compassionate” or as “manipulative”. For me, I’ve often been teased for missing certain “obvious” gestures my whole life. But I’m not bad with people. Since I’m naturally an optimist and compassionate, I read it as the former category. It was helpful for me to help identify what behaviors I already do that I should reinforce to help strengthen my relationships with other people. I find a lot of self-help books are (sort of) “common sense” already, but that by reinforcing certain “nodes” in my brain’s “knowledge graph” I’m better able to reason about the knowledge later. Put another way, if I’m interested enough to read a book about making friends, by reviewing information about “successful patterns” to makes friends I’m better able to reason about _how I can make friends_. It isn’t manipulative to start a conversation in a coffee shop with somebody! (Unless I’m “manipulating” somebody by asking for their contact info..?)
piker 6y ago
> i.e., you only pretend to be interested. No. The book requires you to take a "genuine interest in people" and must repeat that seven dozen times. It also dismisses flattery and smoke-blowing and favors legitimate praise. I think sincerity is one of the key takeaways (and also the hardest parts to master) of that great book.
mariodiana 6y ago
Years ago I read an interview with Marlon Brando in Playboy. He remarked that How to Win Friends and Influence People was "a book on hustling." In China, the book is very popular and is sold under the title "The Weaknesses of Human Nature."

by giu 6y ago

enitihas 6y ago

I agree with what you said. The book encourages all kinds of shortcuts (not explicitly though), and later on I found other books to be much better on the same topics. However, it is very very easy to read and follow. And if you are not a social person, the book is a good first read.

poulsbohemian 6y ago

It's probably been 32 years since I read How to Win Friends, but my take on it was that it is like many things we learn throughout life - first we model, they we practice, finally we make it part of our nature, and eventually we achieve mastery. I didn't come away with the impression that the techniques are intended to be used in a hollow, phony way, so much as to show the reader a set of steps to get started toward genuinely showing interest in other people. Not everyone can jump right in to Siddhartha or Zen and the Art or some of these heavier books that might take people out of their default self-absorption towards greater awareness of other people and their needs, but Carnegie wrote something that is easy to access and get people started down a path.

freeqaz 6y ago

I think the book is very polarizing. You either read it as “compassionate” or as “manipulative”. For me, I’ve often been teased for missing certain “obvious” gestures my whole life. But I’m not bad with people. Since I’m naturally an optimist and compassionate, I read it as the former category. It was helpful for me to help identify what behaviors I already do that I should reinforce to help strengthen my relationships with other people. I find a lot of self-help books are (sort of) “common sense” already, but that by reinforcing certain “nodes” in my brain’s “knowledge graph” I’m better able to reason about the knowledge later. Put another way, if I’m interested enough to read a book about making friends, by reviewing information about “successful patterns” to makes friends I’m better able to reason about _how I can make friends_. It isn’t manipulative to start a conversation in a coffee shop with somebody! (Unless I’m “manipulating” somebody by asking for their contact info..?)

piker 6y ago

> i.e., you only pretend to be interested. No. The book requires you to take a "genuine interest in people" and must repeat that seven dozen times. It also dismisses flattery and smoke-blowing and favors legitimate praise. I think sincerity is one of the key takeaways (and also the hardest parts to master) of that great book.

mariodiana 6y ago

Years ago I read an interview with Marlon Brando in Playboy. He remarked that How to Win Friends and Influence People was "a book on hustling." In China, the book is very popular and is sold under the title "The Weaknesses of Human Nature."