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If your mother is a kind person whom you love, then by all means reach out and tell her. To others like me who may have a gaslighting c* * * of a mother, don't
by thewebcount 6y ago
If your mother is a kind person whom you love, then by all means reach out and tell her.
To others like me who may have a gaslighting c* * * of a mother, don't be bullied by societal norms into feeling like a bad person just because you don't want to connect with an abuser. It's perfectly fine to not call your mother on mother's day if you don't have the kind of relationship that will benefit from it.
- yoav 6y ago100%, thank you for voicing this.
- op00to 6y agoMine died a few years ago and my life is better for it.
- chrisseaton 6y ago> It's especially important to call important people in your life today Right - boggles my mind that people think they should be telling anyone to call anyone on a site like this. (Not a comment on my mother - just the idea that everyone has the same relationships as you do and should do things the way you do them.)
- rubber_duck 6y ago>boggles my mind that people think they should be telling anyone to call anyone on a site like this. It's a nice reminder, don't see the OP post as "reconnect with your abusive parent" more like "today might be a good day to call your mother"
- chrisseaton 6y agoMaybe I'm sensitive, but it comes across as judgemental. 'Call mom' - I can almost feel the condescending do-gooder smile from here.
- wurst_case 6y agoI have one of those hurtful abusive mothers and I can see that OP was just being nice, repaying a kindness he felt 6yrs ago like he said. You are being sensitive of you can't see that.
- larrywright 6y agoTo me, it’s just recognition that the type of people who frequent this site aren’t always good at remembering this sort of thing. It doesn’t apply to everyone, but I’m sure there are people who saw this and appreciated it.
- binaryblitz 6y agoTotally see where you're coming from, but I do think it's a nice reminder during quarantine. Time is passing so weirdly now, it's hard for me to keep track of what month we're in, let alone the date.
- jshevek 6y ago>"today might be a good day to call your mother" The OP doesn't qualify their premise with 'might'. ('May' only applied to video chat, specifically). The title is imperative, and there is a general claim of importance. I'm not bothered personally, I just agree with chriseatons assessment of the tone.
- meddlepal 6y agoThe pedantry on this site sometimes is insufferable. It's a little reminder for the oblivious and workaholics among us. Nobody is suggesting anyone call their mom if they hate her guts.
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- jshevek 6y agoIn this case, looking at the actual words can help one to understand why other people interpreted the statement differently than they did.
- fsloth 6y agoYeah, the cultural presumption seems to be that if you don't call your mother you are a callous bastard who does not care about the person who brought you into this world and nurtured you. The sad fact is that since that relationship is so special, the callous negligence and other pathologies parted by the mother into the relationship are so many times more destructive. And this is not about the stereotypical sitcom mom who is overbearing or judgemental. Think about substance abuse, suicide attempts and the like. Nothing gives you a jolt like finding your mom in her bed OD's with sleeping pills and plastic bags wrapped under her bottom not to soil the sheets. Even though if the mom survives something will be irreparably broken inside the child. Don't push people about their relationships to their parents. There are lots of sad, sad stories there.
- exolymph 6y ago> Yeah, the cultural presumption seems to be that if you don't call your mother you are a callous bastard who does not care about the person who brought you into this world and nurtured you. I don't think this is true. The cultural presumption is that you love your mom and that she was basically a pretty good mom. In that assumed case, not calling makes you a callous bastard. And of course there are people who will badger you to reconcile with estranged parents, but are they the majority? Most people understand that abusive or otherwise shitty parents exist, they just (correctly) assume that it's not the default.
- voisin 6y agoFWIW, I think your life would be vastly improved if you can turn the anger evident in your post into sadness for whatever caused her to act like that in the first place. It’s worked for me. Pity feels like a healthier emotion to experience than anger or bitterness.
- Igelau 6y agoDidn't seem angry or bitter. Just honest.
- 101011 6y agoCalling someone a "gaslighting c*" didn't seem angry to you?
- jshevek 6y agoNot necessarily. Gaslighting can simply be descriptive, and different subcultures associate different emotions and intensity with c*, particularly outside of the US. (But also inside the US.). For example, it can convey dismissiveness, not anger.
- dvtrn 6y agoAkin to how “bless your heart” can (operative word: can) take on two VERY different meanings depending on what part of the US it’s being uttered in.
- vga805 6y agoOr maybe they've learned to channel that anger in some positive way. Not everything that works for oneself will "vastly improve" the lives of others.
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- waterbadger 6y ago
- TrinaryWorksToo 6y agoPerhaps "call the person who has been the best mother to you"
- toomuchtodo 6y agoI like this comment very much. I don’t have such a person, but if you do, call that person. Embrace those whom treat you with respect, care, and compassion.
- stonecharioteer 6y agoI'm a dude in my 30s but if you ever want hot soup when backpacking through southern India, come over. I'm @stonecharioteer everywhere. Mom will make you a bowl and ask you to comb your hair for the full experience.
- toomuchtodo 6y agoThank you, I will bring an appropriate gift to show my appreciation.
- wonnage 6y agoof course the number one reply on HN is this, you guys are a caricature of yourselves
- spike021 6y agoI realize not everyone will agree, but I like to think of this as more of a symbolic thing; it doesn't need to be a biological, adoptive, step, foster mother, it can just be someone who you've really just appreciate as being warm and supportive over the years. Sorry to hear that you've had that kind of experience!
- diob 6y agoVery much agree. I severed ties with my "parents" back in December after realizing I'm old enough and successful enough that I don't have to put up with their narcissism and abuse anymore. It's nice to not have to pretend anymore.