Didn’t look at your link, but the above is fine. Concise, organized. It’s OK. Advice: Practice. Edit. Suggestion: Take an intro to journalism class. Got to be

Didn’t look at your link, but the above is fine. Concise, organized. It’s OK. Advice: Practice. Edit. Suggestion: Take an intro to journalism class. Got to be a million of those online right now. Write, write, write. Edit, edit, edit, edit, edit.