7 ms·

Research on the benefits of “weak ties” – connecting with casual acquaintances

76 points by MaysonL 6y ago

softwaredoug 6y ago
During Covid, I have found people have been open to getting coffee virtually and from 8:30 am - 9 am. It’s been a low commitment way to get to know someone better that doesn’t encroach their work day... Frankly it’s less intimidating/commitment than pre covid physically meeting at a coffee shop before work. As such, in some ways I’m engaging more with some folks than before covid.
grawprog 6y ago
I never really did it when I was younger, but as i've gotten older i've started just talking to random people I see regularly around the neighbourhood or on my bus commute to work and honestly you end up meeting some pretty varied and interesting people. I've ended up becoming acquaintances with a ton of random people, many of which are people I would never end up associating with under other circumstances. I've had some really great conversations, heard some really cool, some really strange and some really heartbreaking stories. Sometimes I meet these people once and never see them again, sometimes i'll see them regularly for a while but then they vanish and I never see them again or in those odd cases they end up becoming friends. The article touched on it a bit, but it has been hard not being able to talk to random people lately with this lockdown and all. It's amazing the kind of people you can just meet randomly in your day.
- c0nsumer 6y ago
  I feel like a lot of this comes with "just being nice to people" which makes everyone feel nice, and makes a community feel good. So long as one isn't that... weird... guy who talks Way Too Much, it seems like a great thing for everyone. I've been trying to do this myself for a while, and now it almost comes natural? Even just a "hey there!" or "hello!" gets a nice response. Sometimes you end up chatting, often not, but oh well... At least it's not just ignoring each other in silence, eh?
- mettamage 6y ago
  I learned this behavior by reading the Luck Factor, but that book isn't magical. What was magical is that it nudged me to do this. One small tidbit that might be fun to share was when I met a seemingly shy woman and we started a conversation and eventually I asked. What do you do? I program traffic lights. What language are they programmed in? In C Who knew? :D
  - mettamage 6y ago
    Downvote feedback welcome. I did not expect people to downvote this. At worst, I expected people to see this comment as neutral. I'm fine with losing points, I am simply curious as to what goes through people their minds when they downvote it. My perspective: This comment does not seem to break HN guidelines. Here is the contribution of the comment: - Assuming that making smalltalk to strangers is a good thing (parent's showcase), then what's more important is doing it. It doesn't matter how you're inspired to do it. - Perhaps read the Luck Factor - Traffic lights are programmed in C (in my part of the world) If the downvote comes from that it doesn't add enough. Fair enough. If it's rather something else (tone, some form of negative emotion, civility or anything like that), I'd be curious to know how it affects people. If no one gives feedback after me asking explicitly, I get it.
    - mercer 6y ago
      1) sometimes comments get downvoted for no apparent reason, in which they usually get upvoted again later. 2) many HN users downvote comments that talk about being downvoted, as it is against the rules (and can come across as needy/whiny). 3. while it can feel bad to see your comments turn grey, it's probably not healthy to let it affect your feelings (much). I've often wondered by sometimes perfectly reasonable comments are downloaded, and I suspect it's 1) because people just don't like the commenter because of other comments, 2) mis-clicks, 3) bots that randomly vote to appear like real users. FWIW, I upvoted your original comment and downvoted this one because of 2.
    - jotm 6y ago
      I've come to the conclusion weird downvotes are just a short, mostly emotion driven decisions. Sort of a "Too complicated, did not understand, seems bad - downvotes". Every social website suffers from it. TBH, I would like to hear it from someone who does it, because I don't think my explanation quite covers it... I, for example, never downvote unless it's obviously completely wrong or extremely offensive (and intended to be so).
- alexpetralia 6y ago
  In a podcast episode entitled "The Science of Happiness" on Sam Harris' Making Sense, the guest (a researcher in happiness and well-being) argues that we feel happier in our lives the more of these passing conversations we engage in. Definitely a skill worth investing in!
- JoeAltmaier 6y ago
  This strikes home. I too noticed in public, I talked only with people I was comfortable with. Chatted up folks who looked like me, acted like me. I am changing. I talk weather with the next person in line regardless of their culture (if they're receptive). Make eye contact with everyone. Smile and nod even if there's no time to talk. Notice people's kids and make faces at babies. So far, very good responses. Some new friends, the proprietor of the diner I frequent, the waitstaff there, some distant neighbors who frequent my gas station. Random senior woman who was looking at the hole where the old dance hall used to be (construction downtown). Craig, the homeless guy who lives under a bridge and asks for change on the mall. He has told me some very interesting stories about life on the road! Some folks are stunned when I 'see' them. People from different cultures are accustomed to being invisible. I try to be respectful of this too, brief comment, the weather, wish them a good day.
  - clairity 6y ago
    i applaud your effort to break out of your bubble, and to that end, make these observations: "regardless of their culture" -> that's othering. you could substitute "regarless of our cultural differences" and be less confrontational in that regard. "Some folks are stunned when I 'see' them. People from different cultures are accustomed to being invisible." -> why you, and again, why is it your culture vs. theirs? why would they be invisible and not you? culture is shared, and the effects of your (new) actions is to create that shared culture. perceiving 'other' cultures this way is antagonistic. other people feel that, even if they are otherwise polite and welcoming.
    - JoeAltmaier 6y ago
      Because I am the mainstream culture, they are the ones who are accustomed to being invisible. I am anything but invisible - 6'4" 230lbs white male - everybody sees me come into the room. And yes folks from other countries recently arrived are correctly described as having 'a different culture'. Else the word 'culture' loses all meaning. I'm sympathetic to efforts to diminish 'them' vs 'us. But the topic here is exactly that, and its appropriate to call it out.
- Gys 6y ago
  Still have to read the article, I set it aside to read it later. But your comment first really resonates with me. I have the same experience (age? ;-) and actually organized many events in the past years for random people to meet in person. Because of the virus that had to stop, so then I started building a platform to do the same online. I do not have a website yet for the platform, but this is the next event: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/104238227344 https://www.eventbrite.com/e/104238227344. I would appreciate your feedback on this.
bobblywobbles 6y ago
It goes to say that we all need each other.
econcon 6y ago
I used have a lot of friends and some 4000 people I've on Skype who I've met at various events. After that I went MIA, the thing is when you know so many people - a lot of people try to extract value from you. I never needed help of any of these people in my life, I am usually self driven and the way I get people interested in what I want their help in is through showing them money and them analysing if is worth their time. Beyond that I've stopped trading favours and now everything is transactional for me.
pram 6y ago
I feel ambivalent about the conclusion. Small talk is nice I guess, but depending on your personality you might be more invested than the other people. I've had numerous acquaintances basically just ghost me over the past 30 years. These were people I knew for lengths of half a decade+ That's life, I can't blame them, but it really starts to hurt the more it happens. I find myself more cautious and conservative about who I invest time with now. Having everything be so transactional seems like institutionalized sociopathy sometimes.
aaron695 6y ago
It seems like church fits well with this, it's something very hard to replace within societies as religion falls. Association of Religious Service Attendance With Mortality Among Women https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/2521827 https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullar...
- deleted 6y ago
  [deleted]
Mediterraneo10 6y ago
I have mixed feelings about this bit: “people who were asked to ‘personalize’ a transaction at a coffee shop by smiling, making eye contact, and having a genuine social interaction with their barista felt about 17% happier and more socially connected.” So the customer might feel better, but what about the barista? I think that a lot of customer-service personnel want to remain as much in their own headspace as possible while they are forced to stand there dealing with strangers just to pay their bills, and so this behaviour would be imposing on them. Also, for female baristas, customers flirting with them are one of their biggest complaints, and it is all too easy for any social interaction to be misinterpreted as flirting. So, unless you have observed the barista before to see that they genuinely like interacting with customers, I think one only risks being rude by making eye contact and trying to exchange some small conversation outside of simply conveying one’s order.
- JoeAltmaier 6y ago
  I think if your customer representative doesn't want to connect with the customer, you should fire them and get a new one. Contrary to whatever business model motivated that comment, the entire point of the business is to encourage customers to return. Its not the private living room of the barrista where they share their weekend with the counter staff while ignoring the line, the tables needing bussing, the overflowing trash. The personnel are to attend to the business 100% of the time they are being paid to do so. That includes chatting up the customers, deflecting flirting, asking about preferences and generally making the customer feel at home. Don't like all that? Get a job hauling trash or digging ditches.
  - Mediterraneo10 6y ago
    Your response is a curious one, inasmuch as my comment was attempting to show some sympathy for the workers that one interacts with during the day, while your concern apparently is the business’s owners and whether they are extracting maximum value out of their business, the feelings of working-class people be damned. Also, nowhere in my comment was it suggested that customer-service staff can freely “ignore the line, the tables needing bussing, the overflowing trash”. I just personally hope they would at least be free to think their own thoughts while they are doing all that. Customer-service staff are human beings, not automatons.
DocG 6y ago
In the last couple of years I've thought a lot that I'm really happy that I changed schools after ninth grade and also repeated class in high school. I'm not too outgoing person, but because of these things I have so broad connection basis with people who I know on name basis. And this helps, whenever I need to do business or just encounters, it is so much easier when you know the person ten years already by name. I would say this repeating class was highly positive for me, and way more impactful than grades ever were in the long term.
reubenswartz 6y ago
As an introvert who has spent the past couple of years actively working on this, I agree with the article. We are social mammals, we are supposed to have conversations with other people. Even before we were sheltering in place, a lot of people got in their cars, drove to an office where they might talk to other people but not really have conversations (why the proverbial water cooler is actually important), get back in their cars, come home, not really have much connection with people at home, then consume a one-way stream of content, and repeat. That's not a good way to live. I can still remember wonderful conversations I had with strangers decades ago, and with casual acquaintances I've revived over the past couple of years. Highly recommend.

76 points by MaysonL 6y ago

During Covid, I have found people have been open to getting coffee virtually and from 8:30 am - 9 am. It’s been a low commitment way to get to know someone better that doesn’t encroach their work day... Frankly it’s less intimidating/commitment than pre covid physically meeting at a coffee shop before work. As such, in some ways I’m engaging more with some folks than before covid.

grawprog 6y ago

I never really did it when I was younger, but as i've gotten older i've started just talking to random people I see regularly around the neighbourhood or on my bus commute to work and honestly you end up meeting some pretty varied and interesting people. I've ended up becoming acquaintances with a ton of random people, many of which are people I would never end up associating with under other circumstances. I've had some really great conversations, heard some really cool, some really strange and some really heartbreaking stories. Sometimes I meet these people once and never see them again, sometimes i'll see them regularly for a while but then they vanish and I never see them again or in those odd cases they end up becoming friends. The article touched on it a bit, but it has been hard not being able to talk to random people lately with this lockdown and all. It's amazing the kind of people you can just meet randomly in your day.

c0nsumer 6y ago
I feel like a lot of this comes with "just being nice to people" which makes everyone feel nice, and makes a community feel good. So long as one isn't that... weird... guy who talks Way Too Much, it seems like a great thing for everyone. I've been trying to do this myself for a while, and now it almost comes natural? Even just a "hey there!" or "hello!" gets a nice response. Sometimes you end up chatting, often not, but oh well... At least it's not just ignoring each other in silence, eh?
mettamage 6y ago
I learned this behavior by reading the Luck Factor, but that book isn't magical. What was magical is that it nudged me to do this. One small tidbit that might be fun to share was when I met a seemingly shy woman and we started a conversation and eventually I asked. What do you do? I program traffic lights. What language are they programmed in? In C Who knew? :D
- mettamage 6y ago
  Downvote feedback welcome. I did not expect people to downvote this. At worst, I expected people to see this comment as neutral. I'm fine with losing points, I am simply curious as to what goes through people their minds when they downvote it. My perspective: This comment does not seem to break HN guidelines. Here is the contribution of the comment: - Assuming that making smalltalk to strangers is a good thing (parent's showcase), then what's more important is doing it. It doesn't matter how you're inspired to do it. - Perhaps read the Luck Factor - Traffic lights are programmed in C (in my part of the world) If the downvote comes from that it doesn't add enough. Fair enough. If it's rather something else (tone, some form of negative emotion, civility or anything like that), I'd be curious to know how it affects people. If no one gives feedback after me asking explicitly, I get it.
  - mercer 6y ago
    1) sometimes comments get downvoted for no apparent reason, in which they usually get upvoted again later. 2) many HN users downvote comments that talk about being downvoted, as it is against the rules (and can come across as needy/whiny). 3. while it can feel bad to see your comments turn grey, it's probably not healthy to let it affect your feelings (much). I've often wondered by sometimes perfectly reasonable comments are downloaded, and I suspect it's 1) because people just don't like the commenter because of other comments, 2) mis-clicks, 3) bots that randomly vote to appear like real users. FWIW, I upvoted your original comment and downvoted this one because of 2.
  - jotm 6y ago
    I've come to the conclusion weird downvotes are just a short, mostly emotion driven decisions. Sort of a "Too complicated, did not understand, seems bad - downvotes". Every social website suffers from it. TBH, I would like to hear it from someone who does it, because I don't think my explanation quite covers it... I, for example, never downvote unless it's obviously completely wrong or extremely offensive (and intended to be so).
alexpetralia 6y ago
In a podcast episode entitled "The Science of Happiness" on Sam Harris' Making Sense, the guest (a researcher in happiness and well-being) argues that we feel happier in our lives the more of these passing conversations we engage in. Definitely a skill worth investing in!
JoeAltmaier 6y ago
This strikes home. I too noticed in public, I talked only with people I was comfortable with. Chatted up folks who looked like me, acted like me. I am changing. I talk weather with the next person in line regardless of their culture (if they're receptive). Make eye contact with everyone. Smile and nod even if there's no time to talk. Notice people's kids and make faces at babies. So far, very good responses. Some new friends, the proprietor of the diner I frequent, the waitstaff there, some distant neighbors who frequent my gas station. Random senior woman who was looking at the hole where the old dance hall used to be (construction downtown). Craig, the homeless guy who lives under a bridge and asks for change on the mall. He has told me some very interesting stories about life on the road! Some folks are stunned when I 'see' them. People from different cultures are accustomed to being invisible. I try to be respectful of this too, brief comment, the weather, wish them a good day.
- clairity 6y ago
  i applaud your effort to break out of your bubble, and to that end, make these observations: "regardless of their culture" -> that's othering. you could substitute "regarless of our cultural differences" and be less confrontational in that regard. "Some folks are stunned when I 'see' them. People from different cultures are accustomed to being invisible." -> why you, and again, why is it your culture vs. theirs? why would they be invisible and not you? culture is shared, and the effects of your (new) actions is to create that shared culture. perceiving 'other' cultures this way is antagonistic. other people feel that, even if they are otherwise polite and welcoming.
  - JoeAltmaier 6y ago
    Because I am the mainstream culture, they are the ones who are accustomed to being invisible. I am anything but invisible - 6'4" 230lbs white male - everybody sees me come into the room. And yes folks from other countries recently arrived are correctly described as having 'a different culture'. Else the word 'culture' loses all meaning. I'm sympathetic to efforts to diminish 'them' vs 'us. But the topic here is exactly that, and its appropriate to call it out.
Gys 6y ago
Still have to read the article, I set it aside to read it later. But your comment first really resonates with me. I have the same experience (age? ;-) and actually organized many events in the past years for random people to meet in person. Because of the virus that had to stop, so then I started building a platform to do the same online. I do not have a website yet for the platform, but this is the next event: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/104238227344 https://www.eventbrite.com/e/104238227344. I would appreciate your feedback on this.

bobblywobbles 6y ago

It goes to say that we all need each other.

econcon 6y ago

I used have a lot of friends and some 4000 people I've on Skype who I've met at various events. After that I went MIA, the thing is when you know so many people - a lot of people try to extract value from you. I never needed help of any of these people in my life, I am usually self driven and the way I get people interested in what I want their help in is through showing them money and them analysing if is worth their time. Beyond that I've stopped trading favours and now everything is transactional for me.

pram 6y ago

I feel ambivalent about the conclusion. Small talk is nice I guess, but depending on your personality you might be more invested than the other people. I've had numerous acquaintances basically just ghost me over the past 30 years. These were people I knew for lengths of half a decade+ That's life, I can't blame them, but it really starts to hurt the more it happens. I find myself more cautious and conservative about who I invest time with now. Having everything be so transactional seems like institutionalized sociopathy sometimes.

aaron695 6y ago

It seems like church fits well with this, it's something very hard to replace within societies as religion falls. Association of Religious Service Attendance With Mortality Among Women https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/2521827 https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullar...

deleted 6y ago
[deleted]

Mediterraneo10 6y ago

I have mixed feelings about this bit: “people who were asked to ‘personalize’ a transaction at a coffee shop by smiling, making eye contact, and having a genuine social interaction with their barista felt about 17% happier and more socially connected.” So the customer might feel better, but what about the barista? I think that a lot of customer-service personnel want to remain as much in their own headspace as possible while they are forced to stand there dealing with strangers just to pay their bills, and so this behaviour would be imposing on them. Also, for female baristas, customers flirting with them are one of their biggest complaints, and it is all too easy for any social interaction to be misinterpreted as flirting. So, unless you have observed the barista before to see that they genuinely like interacting with customers, I think one only risks being rude by making eye contact and trying to exchange some small conversation outside of simply conveying one’s order.

JoeAltmaier 6y ago
I think if your customer representative doesn't want to connect with the customer, you should fire them and get a new one. Contrary to whatever business model motivated that comment, the entire point of the business is to encourage customers to return. Its not the private living room of the barrista where they share their weekend with the counter staff while ignoring the line, the tables needing bussing, the overflowing trash. The personnel are to attend to the business 100% of the time they are being paid to do so. That includes chatting up the customers, deflecting flirting, asking about preferences and generally making the customer feel at home. Don't like all that? Get a job hauling trash or digging ditches.
- Mediterraneo10 6y ago
  Your response is a curious one, inasmuch as my comment was attempting to show some sympathy for the workers that one interacts with during the day, while your concern apparently is the business’s owners and whether they are extracting maximum value out of their business, the feelings of working-class people be damned. Also, nowhere in my comment was it suggested that customer-service staff can freely “ignore the line, the tables needing bussing, the overflowing trash”. I just personally hope they would at least be free to think their own thoughts while they are doing all that. Customer-service staff are human beings, not automatons.

DocG 6y ago

In the last couple of years I've thought a lot that I'm really happy that I changed schools after ninth grade and also repeated class in high school. I'm not too outgoing person, but because of these things I have so broad connection basis with people who I know on name basis. And this helps, whenever I need to do business or just encounters, it is so much easier when you know the person ten years already by name. I would say this repeating class was highly positive for me, and way more impactful than grades ever were in the long term.

reubenswartz 6y ago

As an introvert who has spent the past couple of years actively working on this, I agree with the article. We are social mammals, we are supposed to have conversations with other people. Even before we were sheltering in place, a lot of people got in their cars, drove to an office where they might talk to other people but not really have conversations (why the proverbial water cooler is actually important), get back in their cars, come home, not really have much connection with people at home, then consume a one-way stream of content, and repeat. That's not a good way to live. I can still remember wonderful conversations I had with strangers decades ago, and with casual acquaintances I've revived over the past couple of years. Highly recommend.