There can be multiple reasons for your behavior. What I think could help you the most is reading about schema therapy[1]. It's a therapeutic method which says

There can be multiple reasons for your behavior. What I think could help you the most is reading about schema therapy[1]. It's a therapeutic method which says we all carry certain lifetraps which we acquired during childhood. Some lifetraps: - abandoment: you are afraid of being abandoned by a loved one - worthlessness: because of the way your parents treated, you feel that you don't have any value. You can't understand why anyone would love you, for example. - failure: you believe you can't accomplish anything in life There are a few more. I found this book very helpful in understanding Schema Therapy and the lifetraps that apply to me: https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-breakthrough-behaviour-ebook/dp/B07Q2JVRPT/ https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-breakthrough-be... [1]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_therapy https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_therapy