3 ms·

is this a realistic hypothetical? most people in abusive situations either don't have another place to go in the first place, or the abuser has leverage (eg, a

is this a realistic hypothetical? most people in abusive situations either don't have another place to go in the first place, or the abuser has leverage (eg, a child) to keep them in that home. wouldn't the threat of calling the cops be only a marginal source of leverage?

pdpi 7y ago
The only leverage you need is the “emotional upper ground”, if you will. Just the fact that you’re on the receiving end of a threat matters more than how realistic the threat is, especially in a pre-existing abusiva relationship.
hartator 7y ago
Anything can be source of leverage. Doesn’t need to make sense.
ip26 7y ago
A core part of many abusive relationships is the message "No one else cares about you, no one loves you, I'm the only one who will help you". The abuser will socially isolate the victim, cutting off friendships & family. What friends & family remain, the abuser will work to discredit or estrange, all the while telling the victim the abuser is the only person they can rely on. I think you are imagining abuse victims as fully rational actors straining to break free, if only they had somewhere to go or full custody of their child. But a long time victim of this kind of abuse has been taught they are helpless, worthless, and alone. The only thing more frightening than staying, is leaving.
- treeman79 7y ago
  In an abusive relationship. If I try and leave she threatens to call the cops. Uses every emotional trick to make it clear I have no wear to go. Lots of other emotional abuse. Next day she’s bright as can be. Confused as to why any of it bothers me. Kids are very much only reason staying. Took many years to break free of mental chains. Kids almost old enough to see through BS.
  - jenkstom 7y ago
    Stay strong. I stayed for the same reasons but she wanted to end it. I'm in a better place, but I'm terrified for my children and nobody that can do anything about it believes any of it. Don't expect your kids to see through it - it's normal for them. Sorry, but that's my experience.
    - treeman79 7y ago
      Thanks! I gave up on that awhile ago. Was shocking to see her start crap with everyone plain as day. Then all kids against me because she is mom. Never mind we we all happy and having fun until she arrived. I spent a year pushing back hard on it. She’s reluctant to start crap these days. I still don’t like her. But it’s better.
btilly 7y ago
is this a realistic hypothetical? Extremely reasonable. Abused people get into a mindset where the abuser is an authority. The authority knows things you do not, and will be believed by others. And the cost of testing this authority will be..horrendous. The more confidence that the abuser displays that the rest of the world will be on his side, the more that this message is strengthened. It doesn't matter whether it is true, it matters whether it is believed. "Nobody will believe that you're an abuse victim. They will just hand you back to me." The real chain holding the victim in place is in the victim's mind. And abusers strengthen that chain early and often. :-(

pdpi 7y ago

The only leverage you need is the “emotional upper ground”, if you will. Just the fact that you’re on the receiving end of a threat matters more than how realistic the threat is, especially in a pre-existing abusiva relationship.

hartator 7y ago

Anything can be source of leverage. Doesn’t need to make sense.

ip26 7y ago

A core part of many abusive relationships is the message "No one else cares about you, no one loves you, I'm the only one who will help you". The abuser will socially isolate the victim, cutting off friendships & family. What friends & family remain, the abuser will work to discredit or estrange, all the while telling the victim the abuser is the only person they can rely on. I think you are imagining abuse victims as fully rational actors straining to break free, if only they had somewhere to go or full custody of their child. But a long time victim of this kind of abuse has been taught they are helpless, worthless, and alone. The only thing more frightening than staying, is leaving.

treeman79 7y ago
In an abusive relationship. If I try and leave she threatens to call the cops. Uses every emotional trick to make it clear I have no wear to go. Lots of other emotional abuse. Next day she’s bright as can be. Confused as to why any of it bothers me. Kids are very much only reason staying. Took many years to break free of mental chains. Kids almost old enough to see through BS.
- jenkstom 7y ago
  Stay strong. I stayed for the same reasons but she wanted to end it. I'm in a better place, but I'm terrified for my children and nobody that can do anything about it believes any of it. Don't expect your kids to see through it - it's normal for them. Sorry, but that's my experience.
  - treeman79 7y ago
    Thanks! I gave up on that awhile ago. Was shocking to see her start crap with everyone plain as day. Then all kids against me because she is mom. Never mind we we all happy and having fun until she arrived. I spent a year pushing back hard on it. She’s reluctant to start crap these days. I still don’t like her. But it’s better.

btilly 7y ago

is this a realistic hypothetical? Extremely reasonable. Abused people get into a mindset where the abuser is an authority. The authority knows things you do not, and will be believed by others. And the cost of testing this authority will be..horrendous. The more confidence that the abuser displays that the rest of the world will be on his side, the more that this message is strengthened. It doesn't matter whether it is true, it matters whether it is believed. "Nobody will believe that you're an abuse victim. They will just hand you back to me." The real chain holding the victim in place is in the victim's mind. And abusers strengthen that chain early and often. :-(