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> A nice person is one who tries to get you to like them. They want to be friendly and [amicable]. Most people who have ever talked to me in a professional set

> A nice person is one who tries to get you to like them. They want to be friendly and [amicable]. Most people who have ever talked to me in a professional setting would probably describe me as "nice". I don't give two flying fucks if people like me. I'm not trying to be friendly or amicable. I'm nice because I'm not weak. I should elaborate. There are a lot of shitty people in the world, and they come from all walks of life. Having grown up in a low-income family in a low-income area in Florida, I learned very quickly that the worst humans have one trait in common: They cannot help but confuse kindness for weakness. Enter me. I'm a direct communicator. I will stand up for my beliefs and values. I will enforce my own personal boundaries, as well as anyone I'm working with, to the best of my ability. (e.g. Want to co-opt a meeting to drop something on a team member, without consulting them about their schedule? Hell no.) I choose to be nice not because I want to benefit more from a transaction. I choose to be nice because it subverts the expectations of the shittiest humans while making life more pleasant everyone who's not shitty. Game theory 101. > Every single person I've ever met has a dark side. You find it eventually. Watch out for the people that hide their dark side as long as possible. Or even worse, pretend they don't have one. > No one is perfect. Everyone has anger, fear, sadness, shame, and a host of other negative qualities. If someone is hiding their "dark" side--unless they're also something super terrible like a serial killer or sexual abuser--chances are they only do so because they've learned through painful experience to not be vulnerable. People can and will take advantage of them. Which means: If you find someone who is "hiding" their "dark" side... they're actually showing you their own insecurity, and thus some of their dark side. If they continue to hide it from you, maybe you're coming across as judgmental? People are complicated. It costs nothing to just be nice.

dumbfoundded 7y ago
I like the balance you achieve. There's a big difference in what you put out into the world and what you let the world do to you. I highly value respect, politeness, and decency. Interactions with other people shouldn't suck by default. I actually try to be nice. I just place no value on others being nice to me. I care much more about do they treat me with respect and decency? Are they honest? I believe valuing "nice" in and of itself in others is exposure to shitty people. If you value people simply because they are nice, some of them will inevitably take advantage of you.
- CiPHPerCoder 7y ago
  > I just place no value on others being nice to me. I care much more about do they treat me with respect and decency? Are they honest? Anyone who's been in The South for an appreciable length of time won't need to hear this, but it's totally possible to be "nice" while also being a jerk. Respect and honesty go a long way towards productive conversations.
  - dumbfoundded 7y ago
    I don't know much about the South but I agree. Respect and honesty are slow to earn and easy to lose. Nice is something you can turn on and off with no cost. Some of the most honest, wonderful, and smartest people I've met have sharp edges. Especially on first impression.
    - JohnFen 7y ago
      > Nice is something you can turn on and off with no cost. OK, this confirms that I have a different definition of what makes a "nice person". Nice isn't something you can turn on and off with no effort. Nice isn't even always the same as pleasant. So, I'll bow out of commenting on this, as we're not really speaking the same language. My apologies for the confusion this may have caused in my comments.
  - JohnFen 7y ago
    > it's totally possible to be "nice" while also being a jerk. I know the southern trait you're talking about, but I disagree with this statement. If you're a jerk, you're not a nice person no matter how flowery your language is. Perhaps this is the fundamental problem I have with this essay -- I don't share the same definition of a "nice person" as the author. If someone isn't respectful, polite, and honest, they aren't nice.
xtiansimon 7y ago
> Most people who have ever talked to me in a professional setting would probably describe me as "nice". > I don't give two flying fucks if people like me. I'm not trying to be friendly or amicable. This is exactly the point of my comments above and take on this post. People say you’re ‘nice’, but maybe you don’t see ‘nice’ as equating to wanting other people to like you—to be friends. And so you reject the label. However, if you accept the nice distinction the OP is trying to make, then you would have to conclude people’s description of you as ‘nice’ May not be their intention. Especially if your interactions with them have no being ‘friends’ content. That’s interesting to me. I like conversations of language. For example—I find people who comment ‘I thought you meant X’, and I ask myself if they really ‘thought’ about my intended meaning. I question if people are simply reacting to the connotation of the words as they received the message. In this context I would question, when some says ‘I thought...X’, if they ‘thought’ about X, or if they simply ‘imagined’ the intended meaning. And what does it matter? As much as anything anyone says can be said to have true intention and originate from symmetrical information, someone who just spouts off the first thing that comes to their mind could be considered ‘careless’ or full of $h#t. However, taking a step back and asking if someone is just reacting, jumping to conclusions or imagining the state of affairs, gives you a chance to ask for clarification. And if it’s not forthcoming, then maybe people are just talking $#it

dumbfoundded 7y ago

I like the balance you achieve. There's a big difference in what you put out into the world and what you let the world do to you. I highly value respect, politeness, and decency. Interactions with other people shouldn't suck by default. I actually try to be nice. I just place no value on others being nice to me. I care much more about do they treat me with respect and decency? Are they honest? I believe valuing "nice" in and of itself in others is exposure to shitty people. If you value people simply because they are nice, some of them will inevitably take advantage of you.

CiPHPerCoder 7y ago
> I just place no value on others being nice to me. I care much more about do they treat me with respect and decency? Are they honest? Anyone who's been in The South for an appreciable length of time won't need to hear this, but it's totally possible to be "nice" while also being a jerk. Respect and honesty go a long way towards productive conversations.
- dumbfoundded 7y ago
  I don't know much about the South but I agree. Respect and honesty are slow to earn and easy to lose. Nice is something you can turn on and off with no cost. Some of the most honest, wonderful, and smartest people I've met have sharp edges. Especially on first impression.
  - JohnFen 7y ago
    > Nice is something you can turn on and off with no cost. OK, this confirms that I have a different definition of what makes a "nice person". Nice isn't something you can turn on and off with no effort. Nice isn't even always the same as pleasant. So, I'll bow out of commenting on this, as we're not really speaking the same language. My apologies for the confusion this may have caused in my comments.
- JohnFen 7y ago
  > it's totally possible to be "nice" while also being a jerk. I know the southern trait you're talking about, but I disagree with this statement. If you're a jerk, you're not a nice person no matter how flowery your language is. Perhaps this is the fundamental problem I have with this essay -- I don't share the same definition of a "nice person" as the author. If someone isn't respectful, polite, and honest, they aren't nice.

xtiansimon 7y ago

> Most people who have ever talked to me in a professional setting would probably describe me as "nice". > I don't give two flying fucks if people like me. I'm not trying to be friendly or amicable. This is exactly the point of my comments above and take on this post. People say you’re ‘nice’, but maybe you don’t see ‘nice’ as equating to wanting other people to like you—to be friends. And so you reject the label. However, if you accept the nice distinction the OP is trying to make, then you would have to conclude people’s description of you as ‘nice’ May not be their intention. Especially if your interactions with them have no being ‘friends’ content. That’s interesting to me. I like conversations of language. For example—I find people who comment ‘I thought you meant X’, and I ask myself if they really ‘thought’ about my intended meaning. I question if people are simply reacting to the connotation of the words as they received the message. In this context I would question, when some says ‘I thought...X’, if they ‘thought’ about X, or if they simply ‘imagined’ the intended meaning. And what does it matter? As much as anything anyone says can be said to have true intention and originate from symmetrical information, someone who just spouts off the first thing that comes to their mind could be considered ‘careless’ or full of $h#t. However, taking a step back and asking if someone is just reacting, jumping to conclusions or imagining the state of affairs, gives you a chance to ask for clarification. And if it’s not forthcoming, then maybe people are just talking $#it