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I'm pretty sure this is bad advice. I say this as someone who has irresistible urges to "shake things up" when I'm going through rough patches. In fact, I thi

by araneae 16y ago

I'm pretty sure this is bad advice. I say this as someone who has irresistible urges to "shake things up" when I'm going through rough patches. In fact, I think that desire is really common. I bet that's why this guy did all that stuff; he had the urge to do crazy things. But just because it's typical to have the urge to do crazy things when you're in a rough spot doesn't mean that you should do them, or that it will solve anything. In my experience there's a reason these things are called "crazy." I've ended in some pretty undesirable situations. The best consequences were several hundred dollars in fines. The worst could have left me in jail or dead. Giving someone like me permission to do crazy things is not good.

Tichy 16y ago
I'm pretty sure the therapist's advice was bad, too. First, it labels the recipient as a psycho unfit for a normal life (like having a relationship). Second, nobody is ever ready for a relationship. I mean it would be stupid to wait until you have become that perfect saint who is fit for a relationship. I presume this includes internalizing Erich Fromm's "Art of Loving" and shedding all earthly and selfish desires. For one thing, it is probably difficult to become "ready for a relationship" without actually practicing being in a relationship. Read and meditate all you want, I think growing within a relationship should beat that in effectiveness. Oh yeah, you can practice with your therapist? That advice is good for the therapist, as it actually says "you should be dependent on me indefinitely".
- stcredzero 16y ago
  I'm pretty sure the therapist's advice was bad, too. First, it labels the recipient as a psycho unfit for a normal life (like having a relationship). I've had many friends who were psychos unfit for normal life right after they'd had a particularly bad break up. Example: One friend who, shortly after a serious break-up, did lots of LSD, then went out late at night in the dead of winter and ground his front teeth on the iced-over asphalt in the middle of the street and required two burly friends to drag him back inside. (After the fact, he said something about knowing, "It would feel so neat!") Some years after, he's in a great relationship with a great woman, happy, and getting good grades. It would not have been a good idea for him to go out with someone right then! That advice is good for the therapist, as it actually says "you should be dependent on me indefinitely". Therapists do tend towards that, despite what they say. A year is a bit excessive for many. I've heard 6 months. I think 3 to 6 months is a good idea for some people. A lot of guys I've known say they feel like there's a "Loser" sign on their foreheads for that interval of time after they break up, anyhow. They can't date someone for about that long anyways, until they get their confidence back. Someone who's a serial relationship love junkie? Maybe a year's a good idea.
- potatolicious 16y ago
  I think we're being way too harsh on the therapist. For one thing, we don't even know anything about what this woman was going through - there are a a lot of circumstances I can think of where that sort of advice is sound. Maybe she's grieving or needs to come to terms with some loss, but instead of doing so she keeps burying herself with busywork - new job, new relationship, new house... Or maybe she came out of a terrible relationship recently and just needs some single-time. God knows I've been there - you're hurtin' and you feel like jumping on board the next boat that sails by, but it's better if you didn't. The list can go on. Either way, she could've been blowing him off, or she could've been honest. We'll never know and this is all idle speculation; it's even more pointless to speculate as to what the therapist was doing without more information.
  - Tichy 16y ago
    Granted, it might be a good idea for some people, especially if serial relationships are their way of distracting themselves from their real problems. I guess I have just heard that advice being handed out too often and too lightheartedly.
jaltucher 16y ago
You think advice like "32 unusual ways to love ourselves" is bad advice?
dougws 16y ago
That's probably the reason he gives specific examples of ways to shake things up. None of these are likely to result in fines, jail time or death.
true_religion 16y ago
> But just because it's typical to have the urge to do crazy things when you're in a rough spot doesn't mean that you should do them, or that it will solve anything. What I learned from an undergrad education in psychology was: Everything works for some people 100% of the time. In that if you map human psychology down to a binary point (e.g. feeling stressed? shake things up or buckle down), you'll find that for about half the population one generalized choice or the other is going to be perfect and unfortunately you can't know which half you are in, or which half you are dealing with until after the fact usually.
sliverstorm 16y ago
It depends on the rough patch. I've had great success with shaking things up when my rough patch was directly due to stagnation. Of course, I'm not talking about going CRAZY and committing a few felonies or anything. Just things like moving, selling my motorcycle and buying a different one, even simply culling my wardrobe or collection of miscellaneous stuff. It all helps get you out of a rut & start moving forward again.
qeorge 16y ago
Everything on this list is harmless. You're taking it way too seriously. He's just saying that a good way out of a rut is to "mix it up" a little, do things you don't usually do. It's good advice, and can make stressful things not seem so important and final.

by araneae 16y ago

Tichy 16y ago

I'm pretty sure the therapist's advice was bad, too. First, it labels the recipient as a psycho unfit for a normal life (like having a relationship). Second, nobody is ever ready for a relationship. I mean it would be stupid to wait until you have become that perfect saint who is fit for a relationship. I presume this includes internalizing Erich Fromm's "Art of Loving" and shedding all earthly and selfish desires. For one thing, it is probably difficult to become "ready for a relationship" without actually practicing being in a relationship. Read and meditate all you want, I think growing within a relationship should beat that in effectiveness. Oh yeah, you can practice with your therapist? That advice is good for the therapist, as it actually says "you should be dependent on me indefinitely".

stcredzero 16y ago
I'm pretty sure the therapist's advice was bad, too. First, it labels the recipient as a psycho unfit for a normal life (like having a relationship). I've had many friends who were psychos unfit for normal life right after they'd had a particularly bad break up. Example: One friend who, shortly after a serious break-up, did lots of LSD, then went out late at night in the dead of winter and ground his front teeth on the iced-over asphalt in the middle of the street and required two burly friends to drag him back inside. (After the fact, he said something about knowing, "It would feel so neat!") Some years after, he's in a great relationship with a great woman, happy, and getting good grades. It would not have been a good idea for him to go out with someone right then! That advice is good for the therapist, as it actually says "you should be dependent on me indefinitely". Therapists do tend towards that, despite what they say. A year is a bit excessive for many. I've heard 6 months. I think 3 to 6 months is a good idea for some people. A lot of guys I've known say they feel like there's a "Loser" sign on their foreheads for that interval of time after they break up, anyhow. They can't date someone for about that long anyways, until they get their confidence back. Someone who's a serial relationship love junkie? Maybe a year's a good idea.
potatolicious 16y ago
I think we're being way too harsh on the therapist. For one thing, we don't even know anything about what this woman was going through - there are a a lot of circumstances I can think of where that sort of advice is sound. Maybe she's grieving or needs to come to terms with some loss, but instead of doing so she keeps burying herself with busywork - new job, new relationship, new house... Or maybe she came out of a terrible relationship recently and just needs some single-time. God knows I've been there - you're hurtin' and you feel like jumping on board the next boat that sails by, but it's better if you didn't. The list can go on. Either way, she could've been blowing him off, or she could've been honest. We'll never know and this is all idle speculation; it's even more pointless to speculate as to what the therapist was doing without more information.
- Tichy 16y ago
  Granted, it might be a good idea for some people, especially if serial relationships are their way of distracting themselves from their real problems. I guess I have just heard that advice being handed out too often and too lightheartedly.

jaltucher 16y ago

You think advice like "32 unusual ways to love ourselves" is bad advice?

dougws 16y ago

That's probably the reason he gives specific examples of ways to shake things up. None of these are likely to result in fines, jail time or death.

true_religion 16y ago

> But just because it's typical to have the urge to do crazy things when you're in a rough spot doesn't mean that you should do them, or that it will solve anything. What I learned from an undergrad education in psychology was: Everything works for some people 100% of the time. In that if you map human psychology down to a binary point (e.g. feeling stressed? shake things up or buckle down), you'll find that for about half the population one generalized choice or the other is going to be perfect and unfortunately you can't know which half you are in, or which half you are dealing with until after the fact usually.

sliverstorm 16y ago

It depends on the rough patch. I've had great success with shaking things up when my rough patch was directly due to stagnation. Of course, I'm not talking about going CRAZY and committing a few felonies or anything. Just things like moving, selling my motorcycle and buying a different one, even simply culling my wardrobe or collection of miscellaneous stuff. It all helps get you out of a rut & start moving forward again.

qeorge 16y ago

Everything on this list is harmless. You're taking it way too seriously. He's just saying that a good way out of a rut is to "mix it up" a little, do things you don't usually do. It's good advice, and can make stressful things not seem so important and final.