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Unrelated to the post but I have a question: for those of you who actively use dating apps, what advantages do you find over approaching women (or men) in real

by zabana 7y ago

Unrelated to the post but I have a question: for those of you who actively use dating apps, what advantages do you find over approaching women (or men) in real life ? I ask because yesterday I played around with tinder on my friend's phone and I felt a bit off after half an hour of dismissing people based on just their looks and a couple of lines on their profile.

smt88 7y ago
Dating apps are primarily a filter. The value is supposed to be that you never waste time chatting with someone who's uninterested in you or not looking for a relationship. Filters are also useful. For women, there are also some safety issues that dating apps can mitigate. If you reject someone and they get angry, they can't insult, stalk, or otherwise harm you. You just unmatch. Your experience is typical, though. Dating apps are in some ways uncomfortable and dystopian. You may be interested in Aziz Ansari's book Modern Love for a quick, readable explanation of how we got to this point in dating culture.
- Kaze404 7y ago
  > they can't do insult, stalk, or otherwise harm you. You just unmatch. They absolutely can. I used Tinder for a good while (met my current girlfriend of 1 year there) and a common theme throughout most people that I met is that they were stalked at least once. Even I was, though admittedly to a not very serious degree.
  - smt88 7y ago
    You and your girlfriend were stalked by people who you'd only matched with? You hadn't met them in person?
    - Kaze404 7y ago
      Yes, e-stalked. No one showed up at my house thankfully, but it's pretty disturbing for a single person to message you everywhere (Reddit, Facebook, Twitter, etc) after you reject them.
techterrier 7y ago
You don't get cancelled.
deleted 7y ago
[deleted]
raziel2p 7y ago
There are no advantages, but many people (myself included) just don't end up in situations where it feels appropriate to randomly approach strangers in a romantic or sexual pursuit. There's the fear of rejection, but mostly not wanting to behave inappropriately (this might just be a northern/central european thing). There's no way for me to know who around me at a party/concert/whatever are single and interested in meeting, I'm not the most self-confident (even when people have come to my place after a date I've been hesitant), I'm not very good at picking up social cues (I've missed several hints in the past), I'm not attractive enough to have women just randomly stare at me like you might see in the movies, so dating apps at least get you over that hump. You're absolutely right that it feels off though, to some extent it's dehumanizing. Then again, think about how often you subconciously dismiss people based on looks or first impressions in real life. However, unless you use the app purely to have one night stands you also get the chance to meet great people - many of the nicest people I've met in life have been through apps.
- ChuckNorris89 7y ago
  >There's no way for me to know who around me at a party/concert/whatever are single and interested in meeting Ummm, you just ask. Not as in "Hey, are you single?" but "You seem interesting, how about a coffee next week?". The answer will tell you everything to know. Seriously guys, women aren't some strange alien creatures, they're human beings and they appreciate it when you're direct and take initiative and hate men who beat it around the bush waiting for the girl to make the first move. >I'm not attractive enough[...] so dating apps at least get you over that hump In my experience it's the opposite, you use live dating if you're not attractive enough for dating apps as those favor only the top percentile of attractive men and being average gets you nowhere.
  - carlinmack 7y ago
    This is a very heterosexual perspective. Gay bashing is still a thing in most of the world for much less than asking "are you single?"
  - raziel2p 7y ago
    > In my experience it's the opposite, you use live dating if you're not attractive enough for dating apps as those favor only the top percentile of attractive men and being average gets you nowhere. so clearly there's something to be said about how the way you use these apps changes your experience. use the right apps and go for people that seem interesting rather than the most traditionally attractive ones. don't bother trying to make a witty one-liner to get their number immediately, have patience and be fine with having some chats that go nowhere.
arvinsim 7y ago
It's just another avenue to meet people. IME, real life meetups is still better.
dutchCourage 7y ago
> what advantages do you find over approaching women (or men) in real life ? I've always clicked the most with people I met through friends. But if you move to a new city you might not get to do that. An app sounds better to me than approaching someone I don't know just because I find them attractive. You get to see if you have common interests and have a little chat before actually meeting up. Plus you know the interest is mutual. I have a hard time connecting with people I know nothing about, and I'd be worried about bothering someone who's just minding their own business. So I'd say if you can't find your match through your social life dating apps are helpful.
MogwaiAllOnYou 7y ago
I used to think Tinder and the like put too much weighting on looks, but Aziz Ansari in his book asks how that is any different to approaching someone in person? You wouldn't approach someone you didn't find attractive, and you can't get to know someone before you've approached them. Additionally, I would argue that you can tell quite a lot about someone provided they've made an effort with their profile. You tend to know music taste, career, where they're from, and interests.
sneak 7y ago
I have a lot of disqualifiers; most people I meet in the normal course of life aren’t really my type of people. Being able to search through a large number of eligible people to find the small fraction with whom I may be compatible is the only way that has worked well for me. Additionally, as someone else wrote down-thread, I meet approximately zero new people most typical weeks for me. I’m a shut-in.
Mountain_Skies 7y ago
Stranger Danger is strong these days. Might as well stick with a subset of the public you know is receptive to starting a conversation in a context meant to lead to a romantic relationship. Doing so in "real life" comes with many social and possibly even legal consequences that were much less likely in decades past.
non-entity 7y ago
On the occasion I am out in a place I can be openly social (maybe once or twice a week), everyone I meet irl tends to be a decade or two older than me. Sometimes they also serve as a good way to filter people who you would not get along with. > I felt a bit off after half an hour of dismissing people based on just their looks and a couple of lines on their profile. I agree and many profiles are particularly bad (I wager maybe 1/3 to 1/2 of tinder profiles I see either want to get married right away or are just looking for IG followers / validation) but I feel that, particularly if you're young, they're the standard for finding people.
joadha 7y ago
The "a bit off" feeling you described fades after a few more sessions. When I meet people in real life, it's usually at a bar or club. It's not healthy to go out drinking every weekend, so there's one major advantage. Also, I get to meet people who don't go to bars and clubs (or, those that don't go to the ones that I frequent). Avoiding rejection isn't really that much of a "plus" for me. But avoiding the BS of the occasional girl who plays you for free drinks, gets pulled away by a friend, etc. is a definite plus. Another thing; I haven't had great luck with "being set up" with friends-of-friends. In my experience, it has never been a good match. Like, not even close.
ipnon 7y ago
I find that the more appropriate it becomes to meet people through dating apps the less appropriate it becomes to meet people through traditional means. Saying hello to a stranger just because you want to date them has become anachronistic (borderline chauvinistic) in large NA metros.
borumpilot 7y ago
For me it is that I am looking for a very specific subset of people that has nothing to do with looks or places. The dating app I use give me the possibility to filter on these attributes and foremost: let me express mine.

by zabana 7y ago

smt88 7y ago

Dating apps are primarily a filter. The value is supposed to be that you never waste time chatting with someone who's uninterested in you or not looking for a relationship. Filters are also useful. For women, there are also some safety issues that dating apps can mitigate. If you reject someone and they get angry, they can't insult, stalk, or otherwise harm you. You just unmatch. Your experience is typical, though. Dating apps are in some ways uncomfortable and dystopian. You may be interested in Aziz Ansari's book Modern Love for a quick, readable explanation of how we got to this point in dating culture.

Kaze404 7y ago
> they can't do insult, stalk, or otherwise harm you. You just unmatch. They absolutely can. I used Tinder for a good while (met my current girlfriend of 1 year there) and a common theme throughout most people that I met is that they were stalked at least once. Even I was, though admittedly to a not very serious degree.
- smt88 7y ago
  You and your girlfriend were stalked by people who you'd only matched with? You hadn't met them in person?
  - Kaze404 7y ago
    Yes, e-stalked. No one showed up at my house thankfully, but it's pretty disturbing for a single person to message you everywhere (Reddit, Facebook, Twitter, etc) after you reject them.

techterrier 7y ago

You don't get cancelled.

deleted 7y ago

[deleted]

raziel2p 7y ago

There are no advantages, but many people (myself included) just don't end up in situations where it feels appropriate to randomly approach strangers in a romantic or sexual pursuit. There's the fear of rejection, but mostly not wanting to behave inappropriately (this might just be a northern/central european thing). There's no way for me to know who around me at a party/concert/whatever are single and interested in meeting, I'm not the most self-confident (even when people have come to my place after a date I've been hesitant), I'm not very good at picking up social cues (I've missed several hints in the past), I'm not attractive enough to have women just randomly stare at me like you might see in the movies, so dating apps at least get you over that hump. You're absolutely right that it feels off though, to some extent it's dehumanizing. Then again, think about how often you subconciously dismiss people based on looks or first impressions in real life. However, unless you use the app purely to have one night stands you also get the chance to meet great people - many of the nicest people I've met in life have been through apps.

ChuckNorris89 7y ago
>There's no way for me to know who around me at a party/concert/whatever are single and interested in meeting Ummm, you just ask. Not as in "Hey, are you single?" but "You seem interesting, how about a coffee next week?". The answer will tell you everything to know. Seriously guys, women aren't some strange alien creatures, they're human beings and they appreciate it when you're direct and take initiative and hate men who beat it around the bush waiting for the girl to make the first move. >I'm not attractive enough[...] so dating apps at least get you over that hump In my experience it's the opposite, you use live dating if you're not attractive enough for dating apps as those favor only the top percentile of attractive men and being average gets you nowhere.
- carlinmack 7y ago
  This is a very heterosexual perspective. Gay bashing is still a thing in most of the world for much less than asking "are you single?"
- raziel2p 7y ago
  > In my experience it's the opposite, you use live dating if you're not attractive enough for dating apps as those favor only the top percentile of attractive men and being average gets you nowhere. so clearly there's something to be said about how the way you use these apps changes your experience. use the right apps and go for people that seem interesting rather than the most traditionally attractive ones. don't bother trying to make a witty one-liner to get their number immediately, have patience and be fine with having some chats that go nowhere.

arvinsim 7y ago

It's just another avenue to meet people. IME, real life meetups is still better.

dutchCourage 7y ago

> what advantages do you find over approaching women (or men) in real life ? I've always clicked the most with people I met through friends. But if you move to a new city you might not get to do that. An app sounds better to me than approaching someone I don't know just because I find them attractive. You get to see if you have common interests and have a little chat before actually meeting up. Plus you know the interest is mutual. I have a hard time connecting with people I know nothing about, and I'd be worried about bothering someone who's just minding their own business. So I'd say if you can't find your match through your social life dating apps are helpful.

MogwaiAllOnYou 7y ago

I used to think Tinder and the like put too much weighting on looks, but Aziz Ansari in his book asks how that is any different to approaching someone in person? You wouldn't approach someone you didn't find attractive, and you can't get to know someone before you've approached them. Additionally, I would argue that you can tell quite a lot about someone provided they've made an effort with their profile. You tend to know music taste, career, where they're from, and interests.

sneak 7y ago

I have a lot of disqualifiers; most people I meet in the normal course of life aren’t really my type of people. Being able to search through a large number of eligible people to find the small fraction with whom I may be compatible is the only way that has worked well for me. Additionally, as someone else wrote down-thread, I meet approximately zero new people most typical weeks for me. I’m a shut-in.

Mountain_Skies 7y ago

Stranger Danger is strong these days. Might as well stick with a subset of the public you know is receptive to starting a conversation in a context meant to lead to a romantic relationship. Doing so in "real life" comes with many social and possibly even legal consequences that were much less likely in decades past.

non-entity 7y ago

On the occasion I am out in a place I can be openly social (maybe once or twice a week), everyone I meet irl tends to be a decade or two older than me. Sometimes they also serve as a good way to filter people who you would not get along with. > I felt a bit off after half an hour of dismissing people based on just their looks and a couple of lines on their profile. I agree and many profiles are particularly bad (I wager maybe 1/3 to 1/2 of tinder profiles I see either want to get married right away or are just looking for IG followers / validation) but I feel that, particularly if you're young, they're the standard for finding people.

joadha 7y ago

The "a bit off" feeling you described fades after a few more sessions. When I meet people in real life, it's usually at a bar or club. It's not healthy to go out drinking every weekend, so there's one major advantage. Also, I get to meet people who don't go to bars and clubs (or, those that don't go to the ones that I frequent). Avoiding rejection isn't really that much of a "plus" for me. But avoiding the BS of the occasional girl who plays you for free drinks, gets pulled away by a friend, etc. is a definite plus. Another thing; I haven't had great luck with "being set up" with friends-of-friends. In my experience, it has never been a good match. Like, not even close.

ipnon 7y ago

I find that the more appropriate it becomes to meet people through dating apps the less appropriate it becomes to meet people through traditional means. Saying hello to a stranger just because you want to date them has become anachronistic (borderline chauvinistic) in large NA metros.

borumpilot 7y ago

For me it is that I am looking for a very specific subset of people that has nothing to do with looks or places. The dating app I use give me the possibility to filter on these attributes and foremost: let me express mine.