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> How are your parents/grandparents? "Grandparents are dead. Parents are divorced. Father is a roaring alcoholic, mother is on a death bed with cancer. Also th

> How are your parents/grandparents? "Grandparents are dead. Parents are divorced. Father is a roaring alcoholic, mother is on a death bed with cancer. Also they are both A-grade assholes that made my childhood miserable." Really sets the mood for the rest of the interview, doesn't it? In other words, stay the hell away from any personal questions.

aspaceman 7y ago
Yup. “They’re all dead.” Doesn’t set a great tone for a friendly conversation. Nowadays I use euphemisms like “they’re out of the picture” and pray they’re not curious.
- andai 7y ago
  They've been moved to the cloud.
Forge36 7y ago
Thank you for your honesty. It sounds like you aren't close with them. There is nothing wrong with that. Do you have anyone you are close with to talk about things? Is there anything going on in your personal life you need to deal with which may be impacting your work? IE: I care about more than just the work you do, I care about you. I'd like you to be happy and know more about your life to ensure when you turn into an ass I can justify the behavior and dismiss it. "His dad died recently. His dog died this week. People have been taking at him due to projects being behind and he was on vacation the week all hell broke lose retiring his involvement" Shit happens, if you're looking for happy things from your employees don't ask them these questions. If your quote is truly what's happening in your life, I'm sorry. That sounds miserable, in posting here: I can't tell why you shared that. If I was your manager, is this a recent development and you need time to process? If not what prompted you to be so honest with me? Is there anything else you'd like to share?
- sabas123 7y ago
  > If your quote is truly what's happening in your life, I'm sorry. That sounds miserable, in posting here: I can't tell why you shared that. If I was your manager, is this a recent development and you need time to process? If not what prompted you to be so honest with me? Is there anything else you'd like to share? Do you always expect us to lie or spend emotional energy on making it sound happy? Real shit happens and if you ask something personal like about family, don't pretend to be stupid and think this doesn't happen.
  - Forge36 7y ago
    No I don't want you to put energy into making it sound happy. I want the truth, and I'm divided on my response. Is the parent Q an example of "how things go bad" or "here's the hard truth". My response tries (though based on your response failed) to answer both questions while staying supportive of the person in responding to. Your are correct, and I'm confused by the part you choose to quote however. As my sentence preceding it >Shit happens, if you're looking for happy things from your employees don't ask them these questions. It feels like we're agreeing, but it feels like our tone is getting lost over text and comes across as disagreement. I can relate the to sentiment. I moved away from my family, avoid taking to them when possible, and generally do not want to talk about family at work. My manager does not ask these questions, and when I'm struggling I don't know how he covers for me when I turn into an ass.
- lightbendover 7y ago
  Not the OP, but his or her situation is very similar to my own. There's a really good chance I would give my director a snarky "full truth" answer about my disaster as a family if asked. If she then took the opportunity to pry further, I would be greatly annoyed to say the least. I'm an adult and can compartmentalize an atypical family, thanks. It's not miserable, it's just nothing.
  - Forge36 7y ago
    Thank you. I agree: prying further would be very rude. Knowing that detail can help determine the implication/feelings on other responses, such as if you later shared "my parents stopped by last night". I can avoid asking "did you have fun?" and instead ask "how did it go?" Or "anything you need today?". The answer may be "no", however you may add something (ie: I just need a breather) which helps let me know to avoid placing additional burdens on you today if they are not urgent.
- huhtenberg 7y ago
  If it's not clear, I made it all up to illustrate the point.
  - Forge36 7y ago
    That was my impression. It's a difficult conversation. With a bad manager I can definitely see it going poorly. With a good one: your response ends the topic and we move on and helps shape the context of future questions and communication. Everyone has a bad day, knowing when someone is having one, without it being explicitly mentioned, can help reduce stress at work.
- titzer 7y ago
  There's a bit of a thread below, but I'll just reply here. I was a manager for a few years. People vary. Some people don't want to talk about their personal lives, and having their managers try to drag it into a work scenario can be anywhere from annoying to infuriating. Some people don't want another therapist. Sometimes work for those people is therapy, is a kind of escape. My advice: don't ask about your reports' personal lives at all, unless they are brimming with it. Keep a professional distance. Don't try to become close friends if your relationship starts off as report/manager. You can tell them up front a version of this that is not standoffish. "I'm your work manager. If you are having any out-of-work issues you want to talk about, you can, but don't feel obligated, please. I am going to respect your privacy and not proactively ask." Professionalism is the default. They will respect that. Resist the urge to be a terrible psychologist. But, of course, do watch for warning signs.
inerte 7y ago
No, don't stay away. That's not how these things happen, anyway. You don't start a relationship exploring anyone's childhood and family issues, you start by asking: "So how was our weekend?" And then if people, and most of them do, say things like "oh cool I took my son to the park / watch the game" or "my parents are in town", then what you do next week is ask: "So, how's your son?" And if they start talking, and most of them do because most parents like to talk non-stop about their kids, then you ask: "What's his name, how old is he?" That's how it usually works. Now, back to the first question, if they never touch the topic of family, anyway people talk about their hobbies, activities they do, things they learned. It is in fact very hard to meet someone every week and not learn about their life, and most people are open to this. Just remember, most doesn't mean everybody, so just use some common sense and understand the boundaries. But let me tell you as a manager who had dozens of reports over the years, I never met a single person who has refused to talk about their spouses, children, or hobbies. And if they do, it's alright.
- KKKKkkkk1 7y ago
  > But let me tell you as a manager who had dozens of reports over the years, I never met a single person who has refused to talk about their spouses, children, or hobbies. How often do your subordinates say "no" to you in general?
  - mnsc 7y ago
    "So how's the wife?" "I don't want to talk about that" "Subordinate! You will do as you are told. How. Is. The. Wife" "She's struggling with depression right now". "Glorious! Tell me more. Does she not eat?" "No, she has lost her appetite and have trouble getting out of bed" "I FEED ON THIS INFORMATION! I presume you don't have sex then. How. Does. This. Make. You. Feeeeeeel. Screeeching" Yup, you need to get a new job.
  - inerte 7y ago
    A lot? I hope when they want to. Really, I am telling you. People love talking about their kids, pets and hobbies. In fact, a lot of times I have a hard time talking about work, because people can talk about their children for hours and hours. This isn't a secret. Relationships develop at work, you get to know them, they get to know you, you talk about stuff. Sometimes they don't want to talk, sometimes you don't want to talk, but most of the time those conversations happen naturally.

aspaceman 7y ago

Yup. “They’re all dead.” Doesn’t set a great tone for a friendly conversation. Nowadays I use euphemisms like “they’re out of the picture” and pray they’re not curious.

andai 7y ago
They've been moved to the cloud.

Forge36 7y ago

Thank you for your honesty. It sounds like you aren't close with them. There is nothing wrong with that. Do you have anyone you are close with to talk about things? Is there anything going on in your personal life you need to deal with which may be impacting your work? IE: I care about more than just the work you do, I care about you. I'd like you to be happy and know more about your life to ensure when you turn into an ass I can justify the behavior and dismiss it. "His dad died recently. His dog died this week. People have been taking at him due to projects being behind and he was on vacation the week all hell broke lose retiring his involvement" Shit happens, if you're looking for happy things from your employees don't ask them these questions. If your quote is truly what's happening in your life, I'm sorry. That sounds miserable, in posting here: I can't tell why you shared that. If I was your manager, is this a recent development and you need time to process? If not what prompted you to be so honest with me? Is there anything else you'd like to share?

sabas123 7y ago
> If your quote is truly what's happening in your life, I'm sorry. That sounds miserable, in posting here: I can't tell why you shared that. If I was your manager, is this a recent development and you need time to process? If not what prompted you to be so honest with me? Is there anything else you'd like to share? Do you always expect us to lie or spend emotional energy on making it sound happy? Real shit happens and if you ask something personal like about family, don't pretend to be stupid and think this doesn't happen.
- Forge36 7y ago
  No I don't want you to put energy into making it sound happy. I want the truth, and I'm divided on my response. Is the parent Q an example of "how things go bad" or "here's the hard truth". My response tries (though based on your response failed) to answer both questions while staying supportive of the person in responding to. Your are correct, and I'm confused by the part you choose to quote however. As my sentence preceding it >Shit happens, if you're looking for happy things from your employees don't ask them these questions. It feels like we're agreeing, but it feels like our tone is getting lost over text and comes across as disagreement. I can relate the to sentiment. I moved away from my family, avoid taking to them when possible, and generally do not want to talk about family at work. My manager does not ask these questions, and when I'm struggling I don't know how he covers for me when I turn into an ass.
lightbendover 7y ago
Not the OP, but his or her situation is very similar to my own. There's a really good chance I would give my director a snarky "full truth" answer about my disaster as a family if asked. If she then took the opportunity to pry further, I would be greatly annoyed to say the least. I'm an adult and can compartmentalize an atypical family, thanks. It's not miserable, it's just nothing.
- Forge36 7y ago
  Thank you. I agree: prying further would be very rude. Knowing that detail can help determine the implication/feelings on other responses, such as if you later shared "my parents stopped by last night". I can avoid asking "did you have fun?" and instead ask "how did it go?" Or "anything you need today?". The answer may be "no", however you may add something (ie: I just need a breather) which helps let me know to avoid placing additional burdens on you today if they are not urgent.
huhtenberg 7y ago
If it's not clear, I made it all up to illustrate the point.
- Forge36 7y ago
  That was my impression. It's a difficult conversation. With a bad manager I can definitely see it going poorly. With a good one: your response ends the topic and we move on and helps shape the context of future questions and communication. Everyone has a bad day, knowing when someone is having one, without it being explicitly mentioned, can help reduce stress at work.
titzer 7y ago
There's a bit of a thread below, but I'll just reply here. I was a manager for a few years. People vary. Some people don't want to talk about their personal lives, and having their managers try to drag it into a work scenario can be anywhere from annoying to infuriating. Some people don't want another therapist. Sometimes work for those people is therapy, is a kind of escape. My advice: don't ask about your reports' personal lives at all, unless they are brimming with it. Keep a professional distance. Don't try to become close friends if your relationship starts off as report/manager. You can tell them up front a version of this that is not standoffish. "I'm your work manager. If you are having any out-of-work issues you want to talk about, you can, but don't feel obligated, please. I am going to respect your privacy and not proactively ask." Professionalism is the default. They will respect that. Resist the urge to be a terrible psychologist. But, of course, do watch for warning signs.

inerte 7y ago

No, don't stay away. That's not how these things happen, anyway. You don't start a relationship exploring anyone's childhood and family issues, you start by asking: "So how was our weekend?" And then if people, and most of them do, say things like "oh cool I took my son to the park / watch the game" or "my parents are in town", then what you do next week is ask: "So, how's your son?" And if they start talking, and most of them do because most parents like to talk non-stop about their kids, then you ask: "What's his name, how old is he?" That's how it usually works. Now, back to the first question, if they never touch the topic of family, anyway people talk about their hobbies, activities they do, things they learned. It is in fact very hard to meet someone every week and not learn about their life, and most people are open to this. Just remember, most doesn't mean everybody, so just use some common sense and understand the boundaries. But let me tell you as a manager who had dozens of reports over the years, I never met a single person who has refused to talk about their spouses, children, or hobbies. And if they do, it's alright.

KKKKkkkk1 7y ago
> But let me tell you as a manager who had dozens of reports over the years, I never met a single person who has refused to talk about their spouses, children, or hobbies. How often do your subordinates say "no" to you in general?
- mnsc 7y ago
  "So how's the wife?" "I don't want to talk about that" "Subordinate! You will do as you are told. How. Is. The. Wife" "She's struggling with depression right now". "Glorious! Tell me more. Does she not eat?" "No, she has lost her appetite and have trouble getting out of bed" "I FEED ON THIS INFORMATION! I presume you don't have sex then. How. Does. This. Make. You. Feeeeeeel. Screeeching" Yup, you need to get a new job.
- inerte 7y ago
  A lot? I hope when they want to. Really, I am telling you. People love talking about their kids, pets and hobbies. In fact, a lot of times I have a hard time talking about work, because people can talk about their children for hours and hours. This isn't a secret. Relationships develop at work, you get to know them, they get to know you, you talk about stuff. Sometimes they don't want to talk, sometimes you don't want to talk, but most of the time those conversations happen naturally.