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This is a little bit sad and a little bit scary. Have we reached the point where we now prefer to avoid actual communications with our "friends" that this exist

This is a little bit sad and a little bit scary. Have we reached the point where we now prefer to avoid actual communications with our "friends" that this exists? It's up there with people who won't answer phone calls and only want to text.

lostcolony 7y ago
That's not the reason. Telling a friend you want to cancel is hard, and depressing, and so you oftentimes go just to not bail on them. And hate it. But what if your friend is feeling the same way? What if you both want to cancel, but neither of you wants to hurt the other person. Well, with something like this, you can bail without letting them down; they only know you wanted to bail -if they also want to bail-. That's the key bit.
- groby_b 7y ago
  Or you could be adults and talk to each other. Telling a friend you want to cancel is usually hard because you haven't practiced setting boundaries. This app doesn't help. It just postpones the problem until you meet somebody who doesn't need the app, except now you're even further behind in practicing that skill. I get the desire to automate interactions. I really do. I have days where I really would rather not see people at all. But it doesn't work. In the very best case, if it works as designed, it deprives you further of human interactions, making it even harder outside of the app context to interact.
  - hombre_fatal 7y ago
    Also, parent post laments that they may go out with a friend even if they hate it. Sheesh, if you're going to go out with me, your friend, just to be nice yet hate it, stay home. Have some respect for both of us and just cancel.
- brnt 7y ago
  Maybe its a cultural thing. Around here we grow up and learn to state our preferences honestly and understanding its not hurtful to be truthful but rather the opposite. Weaseling about is something you correct small children on.
  - drngdds 7y ago
    I want to be wherever you are! Here, you make up a plausible-sounding excuse, and it's up to the other person to guess whether you're just being polite or not, based on whether you've made so many excuses that it's statistically improbable that they are the truth.
    - brnt 7y ago
      I won't say nobody ever engineers an excuse (not even me ;)), but personally I feel better by just being truthful about it, I've never had a bad response to that. And I never give anyone a bad time about them cancelling either. Also, I just try to not plan too much anyway, because I know by now I need a certain amount of downtime, seems like it may be a bit more than most. We're all human, and we all need downtime, no shame or guilt in admitting that.
  - retsibsi 7y ago
    Does that extend to backing out of a social engagement at very short notice, simply because you no longer feel like it, without fear of causing offense? I think a lot of people make plans with friends in all sincerity, but sometimes end up feeling tired or socially burned out whatever, and wish they had left the time free but would feel unfriendly canceling at the last minute without a stronger reason. edit: also, I think sometimes preferences are kind of fuzzy. Like, maybe I have no social energy and feel like staying in, so I'll only follow through out of a sense of obligation -- but there's a decent chance the social contact will actually energise me and be enjoyable once I snap out of my funk. So maybe the social pressure is good for me up to a point -- but if my friend is feeling the same as me, maybe we'd both be better off taking the night off and seeing each other next time.
    - gizmo 7y ago
      Social commitments are called that because they are exactly that: commitments. You promised to your friends you'll show so you just show. If you never flake you don't have to waste precious brain cycles agonizing on whether to cancel. Do you want to be a flake and do you want others to think of you as a flake? If not, just keep your social commitments. Pretty basic stuff.
- markk 7y ago
  There's an argument to be made that learning to have hard conversations with friends/family is a useful skill, and also builds closeness and trust over time.
- hnhg 7y ago
  Technology is not the answer to this problem. If I had this issue, I think the underlying issue would be confidence and the ability to communicate.
- rmetzler 7y ago
  Are you sure you call that person a friend when you both hate what you do together?
- ravenstine 7y ago
  > Telling a friend you want to cancel is hard, and depressing, and so you oftentimes go just to not bail on them. And hate it. Holy cow, just how disempowered are people that they can't be honest with their friends? OMG, I don't want to eat at McDonald's today, but what if Marco gets super disappointed that I won't meet him at McDonald's and eat fries with him! He'll be so depressed. I'm so depressed! .... I really hope he bails before I do. As I've mentioned elsewhere in this thread, I don't think that products like this help anyone. It might seem harmless, and maybe it will be, but only if few end up using it. Otherwise, it's not going to help people expand their social abilities, their sense of self value, etc. A friendship based on withheld communication is dysfunctional.
dgellow 7y ago
The service exists, that doesn’t mean there is a demand or a need for it.
calebio 7y ago
I agree, this app is dumb. But what's up with getting mad when people don't want to talk on the phone? I don't want to assume but it sounds like you feel entitled to a certain method of communication .
- leetrout 7y ago
  No I didn’t say I was mad. More and more my friends don’t want to chat on the phone at all, which ironically we’ve talked about on discord or on the phone. It’s not the subject matter (just chatting about their day or what’s new in their life) but the ratchet of the ability to have complete control of our time responding to texts when it is most convenient for us but forgoing some human connection of hearing a voice. And I think it’s that way across society and I think it’s a little bit sad and a little bit scary. I’m not on Facebook so maybe the portal screens are getting traction and things will tip back toward a human element with video.

lostcolony 7y ago

That's not the reason. Telling a friend you want to cancel is hard, and depressing, and so you oftentimes go just to not bail on them. And hate it. But what if your friend is feeling the same way? What if you both want to cancel, but neither of you wants to hurt the other person. Well, with something like this, you can bail without letting them down; they only know you wanted to bail -if they also want to bail-. That's the key bit.

groby_b 7y ago
Or you could be adults and talk to each other. Telling a friend you want to cancel is usually hard because you haven't practiced setting boundaries. This app doesn't help. It just postpones the problem until you meet somebody who doesn't need the app, except now you're even further behind in practicing that skill. I get the desire to automate interactions. I really do. I have days where I really would rather not see people at all. But it doesn't work. In the very best case, if it works as designed, it deprives you further of human interactions, making it even harder outside of the app context to interact.
- hombre_fatal 7y ago
  Also, parent post laments that they may go out with a friend even if they hate it. Sheesh, if you're going to go out with me, your friend, just to be nice yet hate it, stay home. Have some respect for both of us and just cancel.
brnt 7y ago
Maybe its a cultural thing. Around here we grow up and learn to state our preferences honestly and understanding its not hurtful to be truthful but rather the opposite. Weaseling about is something you correct small children on.
- drngdds 7y ago
  I want to be wherever you are! Here, you make up a plausible-sounding excuse, and it's up to the other person to guess whether you're just being polite or not, based on whether you've made so many excuses that it's statistically improbable that they are the truth.
  - brnt 7y ago
    I won't say nobody ever engineers an excuse (not even me ;)), but personally I feel better by just being truthful about it, I've never had a bad response to that. And I never give anyone a bad time about them cancelling either. Also, I just try to not plan too much anyway, because I know by now I need a certain amount of downtime, seems like it may be a bit more than most. We're all human, and we all need downtime, no shame or guilt in admitting that.
- retsibsi 7y ago
  Does that extend to backing out of a social engagement at very short notice, simply because you no longer feel like it, without fear of causing offense? I think a lot of people make plans with friends in all sincerity, but sometimes end up feeling tired or socially burned out whatever, and wish they had left the time free but would feel unfriendly canceling at the last minute without a stronger reason. edit: also, I think sometimes preferences are kind of fuzzy. Like, maybe I have no social energy and feel like staying in, so I'll only follow through out of a sense of obligation -- but there's a decent chance the social contact will actually energise me and be enjoyable once I snap out of my funk. So maybe the social pressure is good for me up to a point -- but if my friend is feeling the same as me, maybe we'd both be better off taking the night off and seeing each other next time.
  - gizmo 7y ago
    Social commitments are called that because they are exactly that: commitments. You promised to your friends you'll show so you just show. If you never flake you don't have to waste precious brain cycles agonizing on whether to cancel. Do you want to be a flake and do you want others to think of you as a flake? If not, just keep your social commitments. Pretty basic stuff.
markk 7y ago
There's an argument to be made that learning to have hard conversations with friends/family is a useful skill, and also builds closeness and trust over time.
hnhg 7y ago
Technology is not the answer to this problem. If I had this issue, I think the underlying issue would be confidence and the ability to communicate.
rmetzler 7y ago
Are you sure you call that person a friend when you both hate what you do together?
ravenstine 7y ago
> Telling a friend you want to cancel is hard, and depressing, and so you oftentimes go just to not bail on them. And hate it. Holy cow, just how disempowered are people that they can't be honest with their friends? OMG, I don't want to eat at McDonald's today, but what if Marco gets super disappointed that I won't meet him at McDonald's and eat fries with him! He'll be so depressed. I'm so depressed! .... I really hope he bails before I do. As I've mentioned elsewhere in this thread, I don't think that products like this help anyone. It might seem harmless, and maybe it will be, but only if few end up using it. Otherwise, it's not going to help people expand their social abilities, their sense of self value, etc. A friendship based on withheld communication is dysfunctional.

dgellow 7y ago

The service exists, that doesn’t mean there is a demand or a need for it.

calebio 7y ago

I agree, this app is dumb. But what's up with getting mad when people don't want to talk on the phone? I don't want to assume but it sounds like you feel entitled to a certain method of communication .

leetrout 7y ago
No I didn’t say I was mad. More and more my friends don’t want to chat on the phone at all, which ironically we’ve talked about on discord or on the phone. It’s not the subject matter (just chatting about their day or what’s new in their life) but the ratchet of the ability to have complete control of our time responding to texts when it is most convenient for us but forgoing some human connection of hearing a voice. And I think it’s that way across society and I think it’s a little bit sad and a little bit scary. I’m not on Facebook so maybe the portal screens are getting traction and things will tip back toward a human element with video.