6 ms·

From this list, the thing I struggle most with is conversations with strangers. Any suggestions on how to improve that?

by phowat 7y ago

orbz 7y ago
- Meetups with like-minded individuals - Board game/trivia group at your local bar - Join Toastmasters
- brlewis 7y ago
  Toastmasters helped me with conversation a lot. Especially the "table topics" part of the meeting. Highly recommended.
  - NortySpock 7y ago
    Seconding Toastmasters, great excuse to meet people at work outside of your department.
- LaGrange 7y ago
  I like this answer because it starts with finding a setting that the other strangers chose likely to meet some strangers, instead of finding ways to lock some random person in a conversation. It's the first sign of basic respect that can, in my eye, excuse _a lot_ of awkwardness.
hluska 7y ago
Here’s a neat trick. When you’re at a party, meetup or other social event, don’t approach people standing alone. Instead, approach people in groups of two, say hello (or give a quick little glass tink ‘cheers’) and introduce yourself. A large large amount of the time, one of those two people want OUT of the conversation and you’ll be that out. That’s a great low risk drill to get started. It’s low risk because it works and you’re in an environment where respectful interruptions like that are acceptable. Good luck and if you get stuck, feel free to reach out.
- agumonkey 7y ago
  I find the whole social scene like a weird challenge. Maybe I'm just out of muscle but it seems too many people are struggling and everybody is resorting to tips and tricks to live by. How come it's an easy process on average.
- TurkishPoptart 7y ago
  This is a good tip. And something easy and safe to start a conversation with a group of 2+ is a question like "How do you guys know each other?" They'll likely mention a mutual friend, their workplace, or a hobby they share, which can all be good topics to help develop a conversation. Also, if you're a guest of the host of a party, you can approach people and just ask "So, how do you know $host?" Perhaps these are both effective conversation starts or questions because they begin with "how" as opposed to a who/what/when sort of question.
  - hluska 7y ago
    Those are excellent questions!
dmichulke 7y ago
"Hi , my name is .. <reach out hand for handshake>. What you've been up today?" - Start conversion with something you notice about the other person, the event, the surroundings ("the color of your watch matches with your sweater - stylish!", "is this stuff boring or is it just me?", "you know why they put that thing over there?") - Topics: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams - Repeat the last few words of the other person and look asking. The person will continue the subject s/he's talking about - Connect and imagine the other guy. "I am a writer" - "A writer! I always wanted to be one but always stop after one page of writing. I imagine you must be very disciplined" - Avoid RAPE (Religion, Abortion, Politics, Economics) - You can always say nothing and just stay there. Often the other person picks up the conversation once you're past a few minutes. - Try looking people into the eye while walking around, and force yourself to not look away. This is a nice training for looking strangers in to the eye in a cold approach. Once you got that, talking to strangers becomes much less intimidating. - Eventually people will ask you what you do for work / or what you did today. Have something ready that sounds interesting.
- LaGrange 7y ago
  > "Hi , my name is .. <reach out hand for handshake>. What you've been up today?" ...why is this guy randomly talking to me? Are they selling something? > - Start conversion with something you notice about the other person, the event, the surroundings ("the color of your watch matches with your sweater - stylish!", "is this stuff boring or is it just me?", "you know why they put that thing over there?") ...oh god, this is boring... > - Topics: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams ...this is wildly veering _super_ boring and way too personal. > Repeat the last few words of the other person and look asking. The person will continue the subject s/he's talking about ...okay, they're not selling me anything, they're an axe murderer. > Connect and imagine the other guy. "I am a writer" - "A writer! I always wanted to be one but always stop after one page of writing. I imagine you must be very disciplined" ...at least they seem sloppy, maybe if I leave the venue quietly they'll forget I was there. > Avoid RAPE (Religion, Abortion, Politics, Economics) 1. Avoids topic that involve materialised ethics. 2. Uses _rape_ as a funny acronym. More evidence of axe murdering tendencies. > You can always say nothing and just stay there. Often the other person picks up the conversation once you're past a few minutes. ...I don't think standing silently in the corner and staring is going to diminish the axe murderer impression you just made. > Try looking people into the eye while walking around, and force yourself to not look away. This is a nice training for looking strangers in to the eye in a cold approach. Once you got that, talking to strangers becomes much less intimidating. ...what did I just say about staring? Because now you're _staring people right in the eye and not looking back_. Fun thing you learn early as you learn masking autism, people _way_ overrate looking others in the eyes. > Eventually people will ask you what you do for work / or what you did today. Have something ready that sounds interesting. "I kill people. With an axe and/or facial recognition."
lwhi 7y ago
Don't be afraid of looking like an idiot
collyw 7y ago
Alcohol. Secondly, be more interested in listening to the other person than in talking about yourself. Most people want to talk about themselves.
- kerkeslager 7y ago
  I'd actually encourage people to not use this crutch. It certainly helps with your own anxiety, but it also prevents you from reading social cues and learning from your mistakes. The difference between confidence and arrogance is that confidence is rational belief in oneself, while arrogance is irrational belief in oneself. People think alcohol gives them confidence, but it might just be giving them arrogance.
isop 7y ago
Practice makes perfect. Have you tried going to things on meetup? It's sort of expected to meet strangers on there so it's a great environment to meet new people.
tluyben2 7y ago
For any Dutch people here, my wife wrote about this subject; https://www.amazon.com/Small-talk-survival-praktische-gesprekken/dp/902634967X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr= https://www.amazon.com/Small-talk-survival-praktische-gespre... or https://www.bol.com/nl/f/smalltalk-survival/9200000115193053/ https://www.bol.com/nl/f/smalltalk-survival/9200000115193053...
komali2 7y ago
Read "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Let go of pride and ego. Find something the person may be very interested in, and get them talking about it. "I can't help but notice that watch, can I ask you about it?" (Anybody asking about my watch is an instant friend. WHY WONT ANYBODY NOTICE MY WATCHES??) "This might be weird but I need a new barber, where do you get your haircut?" "Yooo where did you get that sweater?" "You carrying golf clubs around the city? There a course I don't know about?" "Is that a defcon sticker?" Something unique about them. Find it, ask about it. Easy to practice. Just do the find it step to random people during your commute.
- cmdshiftf4 7y ago
  If some randomer approached me in public, especially on my commute, and dropped any of the above lines or any others about some material item I had on me, I’d write them off as a grifter looking for an angle to play. Especially the “yoooo dawg lemme see that watch!” kind of vernacular. As such I refuse to believe any of your recommendations come from personally successful experiences.
  - NortySpock 7y ago
    This only really should be used in parties or social events where there is a host, like a dinner party at someone's house. Or a work office lunch, or meet-and-greet. You wouldn't use it out and about on the street or the bus, unless you were really personable.
    - komali2 7y ago
      I can and have. A smile and a genuine question can go a long way.
  - komali2 7y ago
    Lol read a crowd. If I was in a group of seventy year old white people I probably would adopt a different vernacular. > As such I refuse to believe any of your recommendations come from personally successful experiences. K, well, I'm not gonna work hard to prove anything lmao. Sounds like you just don't hang with a massively diverse group of people.
kerkeslager 7y ago
Well, one thing is just a mindset thing: as long as you go in with kind intentions, there's almost no way anything can go wrong. Maybe the person you talk to will be bored or uninterested, but that is a good thing because a) you've chipped away at your social anxiety a little, and b) you can check them off your mental list of potential friends/contacts/whatever. As for tactics: just ask questions. Everybody likes to talk about themselves. Eventually, you'll get good at finding out what interesting things people have going on in their lives (most people have something).

From this list, the thing I struggle most with is conversations with strangers. Any suggestions on how to improve that?

by phowat 7y ago

From this list, the thing I struggle most with is conversations with strangers. Any suggestions on how to improve that?

orbz 7y ago

- Meetups with like-minded individuals - Board game/trivia group at your local bar - Join Toastmasters

brlewis 7y ago
Toastmasters helped me with conversation a lot. Especially the "table topics" part of the meeting. Highly recommended.
- NortySpock 7y ago
  Seconding Toastmasters, great excuse to meet people at work outside of your department.
LaGrange 7y ago
I like this answer because it starts with finding a setting that the other strangers chose likely to meet some strangers, instead of finding ways to lock some random person in a conversation. It's the first sign of basic respect that can, in my eye, excuse _a lot_ of awkwardness.

hluska 7y ago

Here’s a neat trick. When you’re at a party, meetup or other social event, don’t approach people standing alone. Instead, approach people in groups of two, say hello (or give a quick little glass tink ‘cheers’) and introduce yourself. A large large amount of the time, one of those two people want OUT of the conversation and you’ll be that out. That’s a great low risk drill to get started. It’s low risk because it works and you’re in an environment where respectful interruptions like that are acceptable. Good luck and if you get stuck, feel free to reach out.

agumonkey 7y ago
I find the whole social scene like a weird challenge. Maybe I'm just out of muscle but it seems too many people are struggling and everybody is resorting to tips and tricks to live by. How come it's an easy process on average.
TurkishPoptart 7y ago
This is a good tip. And something easy and safe to start a conversation with a group of 2+ is a question like "How do you guys know each other?" They'll likely mention a mutual friend, their workplace, or a hobby they share, which can all be good topics to help develop a conversation. Also, if you're a guest of the host of a party, you can approach people and just ask "So, how do you know $host?" Perhaps these are both effective conversation starts or questions because they begin with "how" as opposed to a who/what/when sort of question.
- hluska 7y ago
  Those are excellent questions!

dmichulke 7y ago

"Hi , my name is .. <reach out hand for handshake>. What you've been up today?" - Start conversion with something you notice about the other person, the event, the surroundings ("the color of your watch matches with your sweater - stylish!", "is this stuff boring or is it just me?", "you know why they put that thing over there?") - Topics: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams - Repeat the last few words of the other person and look asking. The person will continue the subject s/he's talking about - Connect and imagine the other guy. "I am a writer" - "A writer! I always wanted to be one but always stop after one page of writing. I imagine you must be very disciplined" - Avoid RAPE (Religion, Abortion, Politics, Economics) - You can always say nothing and just stay there. Often the other person picks up the conversation once you're past a few minutes. - Try looking people into the eye while walking around, and force yourself to not look away. This is a nice training for looking strangers in to the eye in a cold approach. Once you got that, talking to strangers becomes much less intimidating. - Eventually people will ask you what you do for work / or what you did today. Have something ready that sounds interesting.

LaGrange 7y ago
> "Hi , my name is .. <reach out hand for handshake>. What you've been up today?" ...why is this guy randomly talking to me? Are they selling something? > - Start conversion with something you notice about the other person, the event, the surroundings ("the color of your watch matches with your sweater - stylish!", "is this stuff boring or is it just me?", "you know why they put that thing over there?") ...oh god, this is boring... > - Topics: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams ...this is wildly veering _super_ boring and way too personal. > Repeat the last few words of the other person and look asking. The person will continue the subject s/he's talking about ...okay, they're not selling me anything, they're an axe murderer. > Connect and imagine the other guy. "I am a writer" - "A writer! I always wanted to be one but always stop after one page of writing. I imagine you must be very disciplined" ...at least they seem sloppy, maybe if I leave the venue quietly they'll forget I was there. > Avoid RAPE (Religion, Abortion, Politics, Economics) 1. Avoids topic that involve materialised ethics. 2. Uses _rape_ as a funny acronym. More evidence of axe murdering tendencies. > You can always say nothing and just stay there. Often the other person picks up the conversation once you're past a few minutes. ...I don't think standing silently in the corner and staring is going to diminish the axe murderer impression you just made. > Try looking people into the eye while walking around, and force yourself to not look away. This is a nice training for looking strangers in to the eye in a cold approach. Once you got that, talking to strangers becomes much less intimidating. ...what did I just say about staring? Because now you're _staring people right in the eye and not looking back_. Fun thing you learn early as you learn masking autism, people _way_ overrate looking others in the eyes. > Eventually people will ask you what you do for work / or what you did today. Have something ready that sounds interesting. "I kill people. With an axe and/or facial recognition."

lwhi 7y ago

Don't be afraid of looking like an idiot

collyw 7y ago

Alcohol. Secondly, be more interested in listening to the other person than in talking about yourself. Most people want to talk about themselves.

kerkeslager 7y ago
I'd actually encourage people to not use this crutch. It certainly helps with your own anxiety, but it also prevents you from reading social cues and learning from your mistakes. The difference between confidence and arrogance is that confidence is rational belief in oneself, while arrogance is irrational belief in oneself. People think alcohol gives them confidence, but it might just be giving them arrogance.

isop 7y ago

Practice makes perfect. Have you tried going to things on meetup? It's sort of expected to meet strangers on there so it's a great environment to meet new people.

tluyben2 7y ago

For any Dutch people here, my wife wrote about this subject; https://www.amazon.com/Small-talk-survival-praktische-gesprekken/dp/902634967X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr= https://www.amazon.com/Small-talk-survival-praktische-gespre... or https://www.bol.com/nl/f/smalltalk-survival/9200000115193053/ https://www.bol.com/nl/f/smalltalk-survival/9200000115193053...

komali2 7y ago

Read "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Let go of pride and ego. Find something the person may be very interested in, and get them talking about it. "I can't help but notice that watch, can I ask you about it?" (Anybody asking about my watch is an instant friend. WHY WONT ANYBODY NOTICE MY WATCHES??) "This might be weird but I need a new barber, where do you get your haircut?" "Yooo where did you get that sweater?" "You carrying golf clubs around the city? There a course I don't know about?" "Is that a defcon sticker?" Something unique about them. Find it, ask about it. Easy to practice. Just do the find it step to random people during your commute.

cmdshiftf4 7y ago
If some randomer approached me in public, especially on my commute, and dropped any of the above lines or any others about some material item I had on me, I’d write them off as a grifter looking for an angle to play. Especially the “yoooo dawg lemme see that watch!” kind of vernacular. As such I refuse to believe any of your recommendations come from personally successful experiences.
- NortySpock 7y ago
  This only really should be used in parties or social events where there is a host, like a dinner party at someone's house. Or a work office lunch, or meet-and-greet. You wouldn't use it out and about on the street or the bus, unless you were really personable.
  - komali2 7y ago
    I can and have. A smile and a genuine question can go a long way.
- komali2 7y ago
  Lol read a crowd. If I was in a group of seventy year old white people I probably would adopt a different vernacular. > As such I refuse to believe any of your recommendations come from personally successful experiences. K, well, I'm not gonna work hard to prove anything lmao. Sounds like you just don't hang with a massively diverse group of people.

kerkeslager 7y ago

Well, one thing is just a mindset thing: as long as you go in with kind intentions, there's almost no way anything can go wrong. Maybe the person you talk to will be bored or uninterested, but that is a good thing because a) you've chipped away at your social anxiety a little, and b) you can check them off your mental list of potential friends/contacts/whatever. As for tactics: just ask questions. Everybody likes to talk about themselves. Eventually, you'll get good at finding out what interesting things people have going on in their lives (most people have something).