I went through a breakup 8 months ago that brought up a lot of old patterns, including some suicidal thoughts. A shaman was coming through NYC to work with vet

I went through a breakup 8 months ago that brought up a lot of old patterns, including some suicidal thoughts. A shaman was coming through NYC to work with vets with PTSD and I was invited to sit in a ceremony with him. I was afraid I was going to loose my mind / be sent to hell. And I did. The trip immediately amplified my fears and put me into a hellspace that was also outside of time. I had what felt like an eternity to be face to face with these fears and paranoia. At one point I thought, the reason people do this is so they never do it again. 5 minutes later I was back and thinking, wow that was intense but really useful, I should do it again immediately. So this time I was able to surrender to the experience and not fight it. It wasn’t very visual but I did encounter a very dark energy that felt like the Devil. This energy was the depression and suicidal impulse. I went deep into it and it was frightening but I eventually confronted it in a very direct way and just said “I want to live my life”. I then came out and observed a sort of metaphysical geometry. I could see a white light at the center and surrounding it the darker energy I had just confronted. The dark energy felt to me like “sin”, as in the archery term that means missing the mark. The white light was the bullseye. And I was reminded in a very deep way that the way to ensure being able to embrace the experience of death and head into the white light, is to practice embracing life every day. Step into the adventure of your own mythology, take the risks, speak the truth, follow your bliss, and also face the pain and suffering head on. It took a couple weeks to integrate that, and waves of the experience resurfaced at times like while in the subway - (which in reflection was a new way of experiencing social anxiety) but I knew to stay with these experiences and to integrate them. After that experience my life really became much more stable, I expanded my theraputic executive coaching program (ALCHEMY) tripled my income in a few months, shipped a number of creative projects (majagual.org; MemeScope.com; anthonydavidadams.com/lsd; dnnyc.org to name a few) And the suicidal thoughts really feel gone this time. Integration is really important and needs to be focused on and I’ve done a number of things to support that. Mandala Journaling (I have a free pdf of my practice on my website) Cuddle Therapy Oxtocin Supplementation Yoga Breathwork Co-leading a men’s group I also co-founded dnnyc.org to help decriminalize natural entheogens in New York City.