Hang in there, friend. In my modest opinion, if you are not already (did not read it in the OP), you should seek the aid of a mental health professional as soon

Hang in there, friend. In my modest opinion, if you are not already (did not read it in the OP), you should seek the aid of a mental health professional as soon as possible. The problems you struggle with are real, and they are really hard to tackle alone. I wish you all the best, and please write at the email in my profile if you feel the need to connect with someone. Cheers, S