4 ms·

The first moment it happened was when my oldest was about 7 (My oldest is 22 youngest is 13) and she yelled at me for doing something wrong. (I was a lousy pare

The first moment it happened was when my oldest was about 7 (My oldest is 22 youngest is 13) and she yelled at me for doing something wrong. (I was a lousy parent early on) But she was right and I was wrong, and it hurt really bad (emotionally/pride) but I admitted she was right, but I asked her to speak to me respectfully about when I am wrong. This took years of patience and still my oldest doesn't do well with this, but the other kids are fairly ok with it. It's not perfect, we all still have some conflict, but the resolutions are swift and emotions don't linger after a conflict. It's taken more time for me to figure out how to treat others well than it has to teach my kids. Once I figured something out, getting them to behave like I am is the easier part.

MichaelMoser123 7y ago
fascinating. Now what is your immediate reaction upon criticism? Do you respond to the issues raised or do you refrain from reacting? A second question: how do you react when the criticism stops to be respectful?
- RobertRoberts 7y ago
  > what is your immediate reaction upon criticism? Sometimes mad, sometimes I have to pause and take a breath and think about what is happening. Sometimes I know I am wrong and in the heat of the moment I hope someone says something, and I am glad when they do. > Do you respond to the issues raised or do you refrain from reacting? Sometimes I can say sorry immediately, sometimes I argue for a bit, or explain myself and what is going on. Nothing happens in a vacuum, so there's other events occuring that need to be addressed. (ie other people's behavior) Very very rarely do I feel the need to step away and cool off, though my wife has historically preferred this. But the more control over situations I have gained over the years the less she needs to "cool off". It's like if anyone in the room has a cool head and can calm others down and it's generally agreed in the group that this is the goal, then it only takes that one person's input and energy to affect the situation. > how do you react when the criticism stops to be respectful? No one is perfect, and I express this. I say "you know I want open criticism, but do it respectfully please". Or something along those lines. The reason this works though is that I acknowledge when I have failed along the same lines. I often have to say "sorry, I overreacted, but the main issue is still important to address...". I have an expectation of failure in my interactions now. This means if a child attempts to intervene with input or criticism, the first thing that child gets is praise for the attempt. Even if everyone is still angry and yelling, I will address the child's successful choice in trying to do the right thing. Their heart was in the right place, then second they get a criticism for their poor behavior in their attempt. And then I respond to their specific statement. (usually requiring a change in my own behavior or an apology) This is all logical and easy to say, but it only works because I've been practicing it for a long time. And I openly state (even when failing spectacuraly) that it's important for all of us to get good at this. And that we will fail repeatedly, but that's ok. Keep in mind that the more I do this and the more my family does this, the less situations occur where these kinds of actions are needed. It's a curious quasi-paradox.

MichaelMoser123 7y ago

fascinating. Now what is your immediate reaction upon criticism? Do you respond to the issues raised or do you refrain from reacting? A second question: how do you react when the criticism stops to be respectful?

RobertRoberts 7y ago
> what is your immediate reaction upon criticism? Sometimes mad, sometimes I have to pause and take a breath and think about what is happening. Sometimes I know I am wrong and in the heat of the moment I hope someone says something, and I am glad when they do. > Do you respond to the issues raised or do you refrain from reacting? Sometimes I can say sorry immediately, sometimes I argue for a bit, or explain myself and what is going on. Nothing happens in a vacuum, so there's other events occuring that need to be addressed. (ie other people's behavior) Very very rarely do I feel the need to step away and cool off, though my wife has historically preferred this. But the more control over situations I have gained over the years the less she needs to "cool off". It's like if anyone in the room has a cool head and can calm others down and it's generally agreed in the group that this is the goal, then it only takes that one person's input and energy to affect the situation. > how do you react when the criticism stops to be respectful? No one is perfect, and I express this. I say "you know I want open criticism, but do it respectfully please". Or something along those lines. The reason this works though is that I acknowledge when I have failed along the same lines. I often have to say "sorry, I overreacted, but the main issue is still important to address...". I have an expectation of failure in my interactions now. This means if a child attempts to intervene with input or criticism, the first thing that child gets is praise for the attempt. Even if everyone is still angry and yelling, I will address the child's successful choice in trying to do the right thing. Their heart was in the right place, then second they get a criticism for their poor behavior in their attempt. And then I respond to their specific statement. (usually requiring a change in my own behavior or an apology) This is all logical and easy to say, but it only works because I've been practicing it for a long time. And I openly state (even when failing spectacuraly) that it's important for all of us to get good at this. And that we will fail repeatedly, but that's ok. Keep in mind that the more I do this and the more my family does this, the less situations occur where these kinds of actions are needed. It's a curious quasi-paradox.