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I found that as a father teaching my children to confidently, and respectfully, challenge me has brought a tremendous amount of peace to the family. Sometimes

I found that as a father teaching my children to confidently, and respectfully, challenge me has brought a tremendous amount of peace to the family. Sometimes you are wrong and you really need help to overcome the emotional baggage that blocks you from admitting it. Having people in your life that are strong enough to deal with the discomfort of confrontation with the singular goal of peace is more valuable than your pride. But it also allows the same interaction to be reciprocated when others are wrong in the family and it's a self supporting system to overcome arrogance, angst and many other negative events and emotions.

MichaelMoser123 7y ago
how old are your children? At what age did you start to teach them in how to challenge you respectfully ?
- RobertRoberts 7y ago
  The first moment it happened was when my oldest was about 7 (My oldest is 22 youngest is 13) and she yelled at me for doing something wrong. (I was a lousy parent early on) But she was right and I was wrong, and it hurt really bad (emotionally/pride) but I admitted she was right, but I asked her to speak to me respectfully about when I am wrong. This took years of patience and still my oldest doesn't do well with this, but the other kids are fairly ok with it. It's not perfect, we all still have some conflict, but the resolutions are swift and emotions don't linger after a conflict. It's taken more time for me to figure out how to treat others well than it has to teach my kids. Once I figured something out, getting them to behave like I am is the easier part.
  - MichaelMoser123 7y ago
    fascinating. Now what is your immediate reaction upon criticism? Do you respond to the issues raised or do you refrain from reacting? A second question: how do you react when the criticism stops to be respectful?
    - RobertRoberts 7y ago
      > what is your immediate reaction upon criticism? Sometimes mad, sometimes I have to pause and take a breath and think about what is happening. Sometimes I know I am wrong and in the heat of the moment I hope someone says something, and I am glad when they do. > Do you respond to the issues raised or do you refrain from reacting? Sometimes I can say sorry immediately, sometimes I argue for a bit, or explain myself and what is going on. Nothing happens in a vacuum, so there's other events occuring that need to be addressed. (ie other people's behavior) Very very rarely do I feel the need to step away and cool off, though my wife has historically preferred this. But the more control over situations I have gained over the years the less she needs to "cool off". It's like if anyone in the room has a cool head and can calm others down and it's generally agreed in the group that this is the goal, then it only takes that one person's input and energy to affect the situation. > how do you react when the criticism stops to be respectful? No one is perfect, and I express this. I say "you know I want open criticism, but do it respectfully please". Or something along those lines. The reason this works though is that I acknowledge when I have failed along the same lines. I often have to say "sorry, I overreacted, but the main issue is still important to address...". I have an expectation of failure in my interactions now. This means if a child attempts to intervene with input or criticism, the first thing that child gets is praise for the attempt. Even if everyone is still angry and yelling, I will address the child's successful choice in trying to do the right thing. Their heart was in the right place, then second they get a criticism for their poor behavior in their attempt. And then I respond to their specific statement. (usually requiring a change in my own behavior or an apology) This is all logical and easy to say, but it only works because I've been practicing it for a long time. And I openly state (even when failing spectacuraly) that it's important for all of us to get good at this. And that we will fail repeatedly, but that's ok. Keep in mind that the more I do this and the more my family does this, the less situations occur where these kinds of actions are needed. It's a curious quasi-paradox.
EdwardDiego 7y ago
> Sometimes you are wrong and you really need help to overcome the emotional baggage that blocks you from admitting it. Teaching my children that it's okay (and indeed desirable) to admit when you were wrong, and if need be, to make amends, by direct example, is one of the best things I do as a parent, I think. But I'm also upfront with the reasoning around it - 1) I consider it a moral imperative of a good member of a society and 2) being willing to acknowledge and own my mistakes has been a major factor in my success in life - especially in IT where there's a lot of intellectual pride, it can really take people by surprise. And likewise, I have to model the behaviour I want them to show in their actions within my family. And I'll admit my heart swelled with love and pride when my 15 year old son who had a rather big row with his step-Mum wherein both said things that were hurtful to the other out of anger, initiated a conversation soon after to apologise for what he said, and she apologised what she said, and they both agreed to work harder. I know how much guts that took him, and I think it surprised my partner - she was going to take that initiative later that day when there were less younger siblings interrupting, but it was obviously weighing on his mind. I like to think that my teaching and example were reflected in his bravery in initiating what is a hard conversation for grown adults, let alone teenaged boys.
- RobertRoberts 7y ago
  That is a great story, and I agree that it seems your son following your example. I have never seen a child successfully change a behavior that the parent refuses to change first, unless they have some kind of personal epiphany, which I've only really seen from teens or young adults that have just left home. I have had the same experience in IT, it's brutal to have false accusations of system failures so causally thrown my way. (It's what got me to put GIT on all template editors) But it's also good experience to have so I don't repeat to back towards others because it feels so debilitating. I appreciate the "desirable" part of your statement, as it certainly is better to give up on a false premise quickly than to try and defend it only to have fail on you later.

MichaelMoser123 7y ago

how old are your children? At what age did you start to teach them in how to challenge you respectfully ?

RobertRoberts 7y ago
The first moment it happened was when my oldest was about 7 (My oldest is 22 youngest is 13) and she yelled at me for doing something wrong. (I was a lousy parent early on) But she was right and I was wrong, and it hurt really bad (emotionally/pride) but I admitted she was right, but I asked her to speak to me respectfully about when I am wrong. This took years of patience and still my oldest doesn't do well with this, but the other kids are fairly ok with it. It's not perfect, we all still have some conflict, but the resolutions are swift and emotions don't linger after a conflict. It's taken more time for me to figure out how to treat others well than it has to teach my kids. Once I figured something out, getting them to behave like I am is the easier part.
- MichaelMoser123 7y ago
  fascinating. Now what is your immediate reaction upon criticism? Do you respond to the issues raised or do you refrain from reacting? A second question: how do you react when the criticism stops to be respectful?
  - RobertRoberts 7y ago
    > what is your immediate reaction upon criticism? Sometimes mad, sometimes I have to pause and take a breath and think about what is happening. Sometimes I know I am wrong and in the heat of the moment I hope someone says something, and I am glad when they do. > Do you respond to the issues raised or do you refrain from reacting? Sometimes I can say sorry immediately, sometimes I argue for a bit, or explain myself and what is going on. Nothing happens in a vacuum, so there's other events occuring that need to be addressed. (ie other people's behavior) Very very rarely do I feel the need to step away and cool off, though my wife has historically preferred this. But the more control over situations I have gained over the years the less she needs to "cool off". It's like if anyone in the room has a cool head and can calm others down and it's generally agreed in the group that this is the goal, then it only takes that one person's input and energy to affect the situation. > how do you react when the criticism stops to be respectful? No one is perfect, and I express this. I say "you know I want open criticism, but do it respectfully please". Or something along those lines. The reason this works though is that I acknowledge when I have failed along the same lines. I often have to say "sorry, I overreacted, but the main issue is still important to address...". I have an expectation of failure in my interactions now. This means if a child attempts to intervene with input or criticism, the first thing that child gets is praise for the attempt. Even if everyone is still angry and yelling, I will address the child's successful choice in trying to do the right thing. Their heart was in the right place, then second they get a criticism for their poor behavior in their attempt. And then I respond to their specific statement. (usually requiring a change in my own behavior or an apology) This is all logical and easy to say, but it only works because I've been practicing it for a long time. And I openly state (even when failing spectacuraly) that it's important for all of us to get good at this. And that we will fail repeatedly, but that's ok. Keep in mind that the more I do this and the more my family does this, the less situations occur where these kinds of actions are needed. It's a curious quasi-paradox.

EdwardDiego 7y ago

> Sometimes you are wrong and you really need help to overcome the emotional baggage that blocks you from admitting it. Teaching my children that it's okay (and indeed desirable) to admit when you were wrong, and if need be, to make amends, by direct example, is one of the best things I do as a parent, I think. But I'm also upfront with the reasoning around it - 1) I consider it a moral imperative of a good member of a society and 2) being willing to acknowledge and own my mistakes has been a major factor in my success in life - especially in IT where there's a lot of intellectual pride, it can really take people by surprise. And likewise, I have to model the behaviour I want them to show in their actions within my family. And I'll admit my heart swelled with love and pride when my 15 year old son who had a rather big row with his step-Mum wherein both said things that were hurtful to the other out of anger, initiated a conversation soon after to apologise for what he said, and she apologised what she said, and they both agreed to work harder. I know how much guts that took him, and I think it surprised my partner - she was going to take that initiative later that day when there were less younger siblings interrupting, but it was obviously weighing on his mind. I like to think that my teaching and example were reflected in his bravery in initiating what is a hard conversation for grown adults, let alone teenaged boys.

RobertRoberts 7y ago
That is a great story, and I agree that it seems your son following your example. I have never seen a child successfully change a behavior that the parent refuses to change first, unless they have some kind of personal epiphany, which I've only really seen from teens or young adults that have just left home. I have had the same experience in IT, it's brutal to have false accusations of system failures so causally thrown my way. (It's what got me to put GIT on all template editors) But it's also good experience to have so I don't repeat to back towards others because it feels so debilitating. I appreciate the "desirable" part of your statement, as it certainly is better to give up on a false premise quickly than to try and defend it only to have fail on you later.