And if someone palms your GPG private key, or the public key is not properly authenticated in the first place, you don't get any of the kind of absolute authent

And if someone palms your GPG private key, or the public key is not properly authenticated in the first place, you don't get any of the kind of absolute authenticity you're talking about either. You complain about CRL/OCSP, but a GPG keyserver has all the same flaws (with worse default configuration of clients).