Poor executive functioning is why I could never make myself start writing a paper prior to the day or two before it was due, despite the rising sense of panic I

Poor executive functioning is why I could never make myself start writing a paper prior to the day or two before it was due, despite the rising sense of panic I would get for weeks. (This is key -- it's not laziness, because good lord did I wish I were able to do the work. To me, lazy ~= apathy, and what I felt was just about the polar opposite of apathy.) That sounds like a good explanation for why I've been avoiding studying for something for weeks but feeling guilty, even sick, the whole time about it. I don't know though. It's hard for me to not call that lazy, and I don't think lazy denotes apathy. Isn't it possible to be lazy and still care about a thing? Poor executive functioning is also why, unmedicated, it was sometimes difficult to not let my initial emotional reactions just come flying out. It was like there was an express lane between my limbic system and my action system, totally bypassing my ability to control it. I would find myself snapping out something and as it was coming out of my mouth, I would be kicking myself and thinking "Why in god's name am I saying this right now?" I still struggle with emotional impulsivity anytime I take a few days off meds. Drug holidays can be surreal. Or sometimes they might not be special at all. But I've taken time off before and noticed everything - birds, wind in the air, music on the radio, and it felt so surreal that I broke down crying. Why in god's name am I saying this right now...