5 ms·

Oh, please. Miscarrying is worse for the person miscarrying. I’m male, single, childless, dumb as a stump, and even I can work that one out. It’s not just emoti

by hhas01 7y ago

Oh, please. Miscarrying is worse for the person miscarrying. I’m male, single, childless, dumb as a stump, and even I can work that one out. It’s not just emotional; it’s biochemical too. Look, no-one says grieving spouses don’t require support too (of course they do!), but it’s entirely reasonable to suggest that women who miscarry suffer more severe trauma requiring significantly higher and more specialized professional support. Terms like “PTSD” and “medication“ do not get bandied around for fun, you know. Particularly by a medical profession that has a less-than-perfect history of taking “female problems” seriously. So try starting from the assumption that however bad it may make you feel, the other person feels a whole shit-ton worse, and show some flipping grace as you work your way from there.

qmmmur 7y ago
I think it's fair to say that the death of anyone's baby, in circumstances where they can blame themselves (I didn't do enough to make the baby healthy, I didn't support my wife, I could have done x for her) might have significant mental detriment on a non gestating spouse just as it might the one who gestates. Instead, you've made this about how smart you can seem rather than listening to the other person.
taneq 7y ago
> I’m male, single, childless, dumb as a stump Then you're missing the personal experience to contribute meaningfully to this discussion.
- hhas01 7y ago
  Why? Do you think that women in my close family have never miscarried? Or that experience is the only contribution that matters? I may have flunked med, but at least I picked up enough to appreciate what a chaotic crapshoot animal biology really is. I also worked lambing seasons growing up, which is enough to disabuse anyone of all romantic notions regarding reproduction. Life is bloody and messy and awful, but it’s Life. So now do you want to know why I initially posted? Because as soon as a discussion about women was brought up, a bunch of men came in and made it about themselves. I may not have kids but at least I have empathy and a working theory of mind, along with occasional manners. Congrats.
whiddershins 7y ago
The comment you replied to merely said don’t forget the spouse. The comparison (to my understanding) is wholly in your comment. I’m not sure why you are comparing. I’m genuinely not sure. Prior to your comment there didn’t seem to be any discussion about for whom it was more traumatic. Maybe I’m missing something? Some implied context or content?
friendlybus 7y ago
It's a basic rule in psychotherapy to not get into who has it worse. GP comment is right. Reason has diminishing returns in emotional matters.

by hhas01 7y ago

qmmmur 7y ago

I think it's fair to say that the death of anyone's baby, in circumstances where they can blame themselves (I didn't do enough to make the baby healthy, I didn't support my wife, I could have done x for her) might have significant mental detriment on a non gestating spouse just as it might the one who gestates. Instead, you've made this about how smart you can seem rather than listening to the other person.

taneq 7y ago

> I’m male, single, childless, dumb as a stump Then you're missing the personal experience to contribute meaningfully to this discussion.

hhas01 7y ago
Why? Do you think that women in my close family have never miscarried? Or that experience is the only contribution that matters? I may have flunked med, but at least I picked up enough to appreciate what a chaotic crapshoot animal biology really is. I also worked lambing seasons growing up, which is enough to disabuse anyone of all romantic notions regarding reproduction. Life is bloody and messy and awful, but it’s Life. So now do you want to know why I initially posted? Because as soon as a discussion about women was brought up, a bunch of men came in and made it about themselves. I may not have kids but at least I have empathy and a working theory of mind, along with occasional manners. Congrats.

whiddershins 7y ago

The comment you replied to merely said don’t forget the spouse. The comparison (to my understanding) is wholly in your comment. I’m not sure why you are comparing. I’m genuinely not sure. Prior to your comment there didn’t seem to be any discussion about for whom it was more traumatic. Maybe I’m missing something? Some implied context or content?

friendlybus 7y ago

It's a basic rule in psychotherapy to not get into who has it worse. GP comment is right. Reason has diminishing returns in emotional matters.