4 ms·

Can you please elaborate more on being competent, and how ti is related to controlling your behaviour? Do you mean, say, to fully focus on mastering professiona

Can you please elaborate more on being competent, and how ti is related to controlling your behaviour? Do you mean, say, to fully focus on mastering professional skills?

lobotryas 7y ago
To put what OP wrote in tl;dr format: Get good, like REALLY good, at one specific thing. You don’t have to reach levels of a pro, but if I ask you “what are you good at” you wouldn’t even have to think before you told me. This mastery will give you confidence. Edit: it also helps to have a hobby. Pro tip: media consumption is not a hobby. It’s just passive entertainment.
astockwell 7y ago
Personally I don’t think it has to be professional, but it should probably be a skill of substance (e.g. not mastery of video gaming). Fitness, a martial art, carpentry, a musical instrument, or a trade (plumbing, etc) all come to mind. And specifically, master of just 1 element of one of those, at a time.
- thomk 7y ago
  Agreed and those are all great pursuits. I would also say don't forget things like listening, communication and recognizing your own feelings, as skills as well.
thomk 7y ago
Not necessarily just professional skills, but all skills. I am saying that confidence comes from being able to navigate the world with skills you have learned and not from dwelling on your history (alone or with a therapist) long after you already understand it. Your emotions are too powerful to control and you can't change the past. Literally the only thing you can control is your behavior. What you personally, actually physically do. If you take that control and focus it on being competent; you will gain confidence. You will trust yourself. Meditation and therapy are good for introspection and knowing yourself. I have had a ton of breakthroughs of self understanding with both of those. But it's the times that I took action that made an actual tangible difference in my life. I am a competent singer (for instance). That did not come easy. I spent hundreds of hours at karaoke sitting there my heart pounding waiting to get called up in front of people I didn't know. I have been boo'd. I have been on a stage when someone yelled YOU SUCK when my new girlfriend was there. I kept going back and now, at the beginning of the night when everyone is far too sober to sing, I sing 4-5 songs. I have absolute confidence that if there is a microphone somewhere I will walk up to it and sing. Without music or prompting. I love music and that was my driver, but it was the focus of my behavior that lead me to being competent at singing. When I was single I'd ask attractive women to go up and sing with me. It bonds you to sing with someone, it feels great. I am not a great singer, but I'm more than good enough for karaoke, which is all I care about. Replace singing with communication, coding, negotiating, driving, cooking, debating, talking to women, bidding on jobs, leading developers, writing, etc.
- hisnameisjimmy 7y ago
  I have done this successfully with two things in my life: dating and interviewing. There's some overlap, but I sucked at both. The only way I realized I would ever get better in any reasonable amount of time was to do it over and over and over again. I will say, it is emotionally very difficult and painful, but leads to the most rapid results. Two major things happened to me from massive amounts of repetition: 1) I lost my fear and could be my authentic self (which is maybe what confidence is) 2) I really started to understand what 'good' and 'bad' were within the context of whatever I was trying to improve. I would add, if you decide to do something like this, make sure to take care of yourself. Facing your fears like this, especially if you're doing it aggressively, is stressful. Make sure to exercise or do something else that allows you to blow off emotional steam.
  - thomk 7y ago
    That's awesome. Your comments are spot on. 1. The very definition of confidence is exposing your true self to the world and being OK with how it is received. 2. Knowing what good/bad are. Yes, that helped you become confident. You began to have better 'taste' and you had the confidence to know AND admit which side of it you fell on.
  - atwork95 7y ago
    > lost my fear and could be my authentic self (which is maybe what confidence is) can you share more about this? material you have read and steps you have taken that helped you with your dating life and more specifically with being more confidence.
    - thomk 7y ago
      If you focus on being FUN to be around, dating won't be a problem. Are you fun? Or do you talk about serious things all the time and put that weight on everyone? Figure out how to make people laugh, which starts with enjoying laughing yourself. Get very good at pointing out that things are funny and having a good laugh. Laugh at yourself. That will go a long way in dating.
    - 7y ago

Can you please elaborate more on being competent, and how ti is related to controlling your behaviour? Do you mean, say, to fully focus on mastering professional skills?

lobotryas 7y ago

To put what OP wrote in tl;dr format: Get good, like REALLY good, at one specific thing. You don’t have to reach levels of a pro, but if I ask you “what are you good at” you wouldn’t even have to think before you told me. This mastery will give you confidence. Edit: it also helps to have a hobby. Pro tip: media consumption is not a hobby. It’s just passive entertainment.

astockwell 7y ago

Personally I don’t think it has to be professional, but it should probably be a skill of substance (e.g. not mastery of video gaming). Fitness, a martial art, carpentry, a musical instrument, or a trade (plumbing, etc) all come to mind. And specifically, master of just 1 element of one of those, at a time.

thomk 7y ago
Agreed and those are all great pursuits. I would also say don't forget things like listening, communication and recognizing your own feelings, as skills as well.

thomk 7y ago

Not necessarily just professional skills, but all skills. I am saying that confidence comes from being able to navigate the world with skills you have learned and not from dwelling on your history (alone or with a therapist) long after you already understand it. Your emotions are too powerful to control and you can't change the past. Literally the only thing you can control is your behavior. What you personally, actually physically do. If you take that control and focus it on being competent; you will gain confidence. You will trust yourself. Meditation and therapy are good for introspection and knowing yourself. I have had a ton of breakthroughs of self understanding with both of those. But it's the times that I took action that made an actual tangible difference in my life. I am a competent singer (for instance). That did not come easy. I spent hundreds of hours at karaoke sitting there my heart pounding waiting to get called up in front of people I didn't know. I have been boo'd. I have been on a stage when someone yelled YOU SUCK when my new girlfriend was there. I kept going back and now, at the beginning of the night when everyone is far too sober to sing, I sing 4-5 songs. I have absolute confidence that if there is a microphone somewhere I will walk up to it and sing. Without music or prompting. I love music and that was my driver, but it was the focus of my behavior that lead me to being competent at singing. When I was single I'd ask attractive women to go up and sing with me. It bonds you to sing with someone, it feels great. I am not a great singer, but I'm more than good enough for karaoke, which is all I care about. Replace singing with communication, coding, negotiating, driving, cooking, debating, talking to women, bidding on jobs, leading developers, writing, etc.

hisnameisjimmy 7y ago
I have done this successfully with two things in my life: dating and interviewing. There's some overlap, but I sucked at both. The only way I realized I would ever get better in any reasonable amount of time was to do it over and over and over again. I will say, it is emotionally very difficult and painful, but leads to the most rapid results. Two major things happened to me from massive amounts of repetition: 1) I lost my fear and could be my authentic self (which is maybe what confidence is) 2) I really started to understand what 'good' and 'bad' were within the context of whatever I was trying to improve. I would add, if you decide to do something like this, make sure to take care of yourself. Facing your fears like this, especially if you're doing it aggressively, is stressful. Make sure to exercise or do something else that allows you to blow off emotional steam.
- thomk 7y ago
  That's awesome. Your comments are spot on. 1. The very definition of confidence is exposing your true self to the world and being OK with how it is received. 2. Knowing what good/bad are. Yes, that helped you become confident. You began to have better 'taste' and you had the confidence to know AND admit which side of it you fell on.
- atwork95 7y ago
  > lost my fear and could be my authentic self (which is maybe what confidence is) can you share more about this? material you have read and steps you have taken that helped you with your dating life and more specifically with being more confidence.
  - thomk 7y ago
    If you focus on being FUN to be around, dating won't be a problem. Are you fun? Or do you talk about serious things all the time and put that weight on everyone? Figure out how to make people laugh, which starts with enjoying laughing yourself. Get very good at pointing out that things are funny and having a good laugh. Laugh at yourself. That will go a long way in dating.
  - 7y ago