4 ms·

Yes, I wish I could PM you. I spent lots of time in front of therapists as well. What I got for it was an education in how I got to be who I am today. My recom

by thomk 7y ago

Yes, I wish I could PM you. I spent lots of time in front of therapists as well. What I got for it was an education in how I got to be who I am today. My recommendation is to save your money, watch School of Life videos (https://www.theschooloflife.com/ https://www.theschooloflife.com/) and you can figure out why you are you. The short answer is; your upbringing, because it's very hard to change that internal original programming. The goal of therapy is 'know yourself'. So when you do eventually do 'know yourself' therapy is not going to be much help; you have achieved the goal of therapy. (Side note: If you have had recent or unresolved trauma then 'yourself' has changed, go back to therapy to locate the new you.) Although I do not like the term AT ALL, it sounds like you know who you are; you are a person with 'low self esteem'. I too, had "Low self esteem" as the therapists put it. What they didn't say is "Ok here's what you do with that". Here is what I heard: "Go volunteer. Give back. Help others.". Bullshit. That is misguided advice. You end up acting charitable and feeling used. Or I hear "Go out, meet people." Also, bad advice. I'm struggling and you are asking me to put social interactions on top of that too? No. A Zen Buddhist monk once told me something that I think is applicable to you. "You can not directly control your emotions, they are too powerful, all you can control is your behavior. Control your behavior long enough your emotions will change." That goes directly inline with the advice I'm about to give you, which is simply this: Be competent. Focus your energy on directing your behavior on being absolutely competent in one single area of your life and get mastery over it; absolute competence. Once you feel like you have changed and have gained sufficient competency, move to the next thing. Build yourself up brick by brick by your actions and behavior. It is much, much harder than just sitting talking to a therapist, but an order of magnitude more effective.

playing_colours 7y ago
Can you please elaborate more on being competent, and how ti is related to controlling your behaviour? Do you mean, say, to fully focus on mastering professional skills?
- lobotryas 7y ago
  To put what OP wrote in tl;dr format: Get good, like REALLY good, at one specific thing. You don’t have to reach levels of a pro, but if I ask you “what are you good at” you wouldn’t even have to think before you told me. This mastery will give you confidence. Edit: it also helps to have a hobby. Pro tip: media consumption is not a hobby. It’s just passive entertainment.
- astockwell 7y ago
  Personally I don’t think it has to be professional, but it should probably be a skill of substance (e.g. not mastery of video gaming). Fitness, a martial art, carpentry, a musical instrument, or a trade (plumbing, etc) all come to mind. And specifically, master of just 1 element of one of those, at a time.
  - thomk 7y ago
    Agreed and those are all great pursuits. I would also say don't forget things like listening, communication and recognizing your own feelings, as skills as well.
- thomk 7y ago
  Not necessarily just professional skills, but all skills. I am saying that confidence comes from being able to navigate the world with skills you have learned and not from dwelling on your history (alone or with a therapist) long after you already understand it. Your emotions are too powerful to control and you can't change the past. Literally the only thing you can control is your behavior. What you personally, actually physically do. If you take that control and focus it on being competent; you will gain confidence. You will trust yourself. Meditation and therapy are good for introspection and knowing yourself. I have had a ton of breakthroughs of self understanding with both of those. But it's the times that I took action that made an actual tangible difference in my life. I am a competent singer (for instance). That did not come easy. I spent hundreds of hours at karaoke sitting there my heart pounding waiting to get called up in front of people I didn't know. I have been boo'd. I have been on a stage when someone yelled YOU SUCK when my new girlfriend was there. I kept going back and now, at the beginning of the night when everyone is far too sober to sing, I sing 4-5 songs. I have absolute confidence that if there is a microphone somewhere I will walk up to it and sing. Without music or prompting. I love music and that was my driver, but it was the focus of my behavior that lead me to being competent at singing. When I was single I'd ask attractive women to go up and sing with me. It bonds you to sing with someone, it feels great. I am not a great singer, but I'm more than good enough for karaoke, which is all I care about. Replace singing with communication, coding, negotiating, driving, cooking, debating, talking to women, bidding on jobs, leading developers, writing, etc.
  - hisnameisjimmy 7y ago
    I have done this successfully with two things in my life: dating and interviewing. There's some overlap, but I sucked at both. The only way I realized I would ever get better in any reasonable amount of time was to do it over and over and over again. I will say, it is emotionally very difficult and painful, but leads to the most rapid results. Two major things happened to me from massive amounts of repetition: 1) I lost my fear and could be my authentic self (which is maybe what confidence is) 2) I really started to understand what 'good' and 'bad' were within the context of whatever I was trying to improve. I would add, if you decide to do something like this, make sure to take care of yourself. Facing your fears like this, especially if you're doing it aggressively, is stressful. Make sure to exercise or do something else that allows you to blow off emotional steam.
richard78459 7y ago
Right. Get good at something and remember when some one tries to size you up. Even if you are in a position to not respond just remembering how good you are changes your body posture and expressions. The down side is sometimes if makes you feel a bit of a dick to think like this but its okay.

by thomk 7y ago

playing_colours 7y ago

Can you please elaborate more on being competent, and how ti is related to controlling your behaviour? Do you mean, say, to fully focus on mastering professional skills?

lobotryas 7y ago
To put what OP wrote in tl;dr format: Get good, like REALLY good, at one specific thing. You don’t have to reach levels of a pro, but if I ask you “what are you good at” you wouldn’t even have to think before you told me. This mastery will give you confidence. Edit: it also helps to have a hobby. Pro tip: media consumption is not a hobby. It’s just passive entertainment.
astockwell 7y ago
Personally I don’t think it has to be professional, but it should probably be a skill of substance (e.g. not mastery of video gaming). Fitness, a martial art, carpentry, a musical instrument, or a trade (plumbing, etc) all come to mind. And specifically, master of just 1 element of one of those, at a time.
- thomk 7y ago
  Agreed and those are all great pursuits. I would also say don't forget things like listening, communication and recognizing your own feelings, as skills as well.
thomk 7y ago
Not necessarily just professional skills, but all skills. I am saying that confidence comes from being able to navigate the world with skills you have learned and not from dwelling on your history (alone or with a therapist) long after you already understand it. Your emotions are too powerful to control and you can't change the past. Literally the only thing you can control is your behavior. What you personally, actually physically do. If you take that control and focus it on being competent; you will gain confidence. You will trust yourself. Meditation and therapy are good for introspection and knowing yourself. I have had a ton of breakthroughs of self understanding with both of those. But it's the times that I took action that made an actual tangible difference in my life. I am a competent singer (for instance). That did not come easy. I spent hundreds of hours at karaoke sitting there my heart pounding waiting to get called up in front of people I didn't know. I have been boo'd. I have been on a stage when someone yelled YOU SUCK when my new girlfriend was there. I kept going back and now, at the beginning of the night when everyone is far too sober to sing, I sing 4-5 songs. I have absolute confidence that if there is a microphone somewhere I will walk up to it and sing. Without music or prompting. I love music and that was my driver, but it was the focus of my behavior that lead me to being competent at singing. When I was single I'd ask attractive women to go up and sing with me. It bonds you to sing with someone, it feels great. I am not a great singer, but I'm more than good enough for karaoke, which is all I care about. Replace singing with communication, coding, negotiating, driving, cooking, debating, talking to women, bidding on jobs, leading developers, writing, etc.
- hisnameisjimmy 7y ago
  I have done this successfully with two things in my life: dating and interviewing. There's some overlap, but I sucked at both. The only way I realized I would ever get better in any reasonable amount of time was to do it over and over and over again. I will say, it is emotionally very difficult and painful, but leads to the most rapid results. Two major things happened to me from massive amounts of repetition: 1) I lost my fear and could be my authentic self (which is maybe what confidence is) 2) I really started to understand what 'good' and 'bad' were within the context of whatever I was trying to improve. I would add, if you decide to do something like this, make sure to take care of yourself. Facing your fears like this, especially if you're doing it aggressively, is stressful. Make sure to exercise or do something else that allows you to blow off emotional steam.

richard78459 7y ago

Right. Get good at something and remember when some one tries to size you up. Even if you are in a position to not respond just remembering how good you are changes your body posture and expressions. The down side is sometimes if makes you feel a bit of a dick to think like this but its okay.