2 ms·

> Will a crying man be deemed as someone unsuitable for being the emotional pillar in a relationship ? > Will a crying man be seen as someone who can't deal wi

by jmcqk6 7y ago

> Will a crying man be deemed as someone unsuitable for being the emotional pillar in a relationship ? > Will a crying man be seen as someone who can't deal with crisis ? > Will a crying man be seen to be a child ? When faced with questions like these, I'm reminded of Richard Feynman and the question "What do you care what other people think?" It seems we've reached a point where we allow our insecurities drive our actions more than anything else. The problem is that we do not deal with our insecurities at all - they aren't even seen as a problem to fix, but something we just live with. They are not tested, because the risks are deemed too great. Some of the greatest things in life come from damning those insecurities and just fucking doing [X].

screye 7y ago
This is a thought I've gone through the motions of many times. I have gone from caring -> not caring -> to realizing that the ability to care or not is not in my hands at all. You cannot run from nature. Humans are social animals. Everything we do is informed by society. There is no 'you' in isolation from society. As technical/math oriented people, it is very tempting to derive humanity from 1st principles like a derivation or posing our decision making process as a controlled trial. However, I find that to be a fallacy. Often, people who claim to not care, merely turn a blind eye to the influence of things they care about, and ironically end up being most strongly influenced by them. An insecurity is like a squatter in your house. You can claim to not care but that only give it more licence to destroy. The real way to deal with the squatter is to be fully cognizant of it and take deliberate steps to kick the squatter out. That is a lot of caring, yet is the best way to deal with the insecurity.
- jmcqk6 7y ago
  Yeah, addressing the insecurity does take care, and I did not mean to suggest that one should not care about their insecurities. They are things to work on and make better, not things to just live with. The biggest problem with something like "what do you care what other people think" is that we want to read it in an absolutest manner. But that's not how it should be read. The question should be used as part of addressing the insecurity. Do you really need to care in this instance? A healthy friendship means caring about what the other person thinks. I imagine marriage makes that even more important. Caring about what some rando might think if he sees me crying? That's not important. A key thing is being mindful and purposeful about it instead of just letting whatever your current view of society is dictate your actions.

by jmcqk6 7y ago

screye 7y ago

This is a thought I've gone through the motions of many times. I have gone from caring -> not caring -> to realizing that the ability to care or not is not in my hands at all. You cannot run from nature. Humans are social animals. Everything we do is informed by society. There is no 'you' in isolation from society. As technical/math oriented people, it is very tempting to derive humanity from 1st principles like a derivation or posing our decision making process as a controlled trial. However, I find that to be a fallacy. Often, people who claim to not care, merely turn a blind eye to the influence of things they care about, and ironically end up being most strongly influenced by them. An insecurity is like a squatter in your house. You can claim to not care but that only give it more licence to destroy. The real way to deal with the squatter is to be fully cognizant of it and take deliberate steps to kick the squatter out. That is a lot of caring, yet is the best way to deal with the insecurity.

jmcqk6 7y ago
Yeah, addressing the insecurity does take care, and I did not mean to suggest that one should not care about their insecurities. They are things to work on and make better, not things to just live with. The biggest problem with something like "what do you care what other people think" is that we want to read it in an absolutest manner. But that's not how it should be read. The question should be used as part of addressing the insecurity. Do you really need to care in this instance? A healthy friendship means caring about what the other person thinks. I imagine marriage makes that even more important. Caring about what some rando might think if he sees me crying? That's not important. A key thing is being mindful and purposeful about it instead of just letting whatever your current view of society is dictate your actions.