6 ms·

I had several years of my twenties where I was a real loner, and while I enjoy having time to myself, I've found that chronic prolonged loneliness is very detri

I had several years of my twenties where I was a real loner, and while I enjoy having time to myself, I've found that chronic prolonged loneliness is very detrimental to my psyche, to the point where I get mentally ill. It may seem hopeless, but it's certainly possible to change your circumstance if you're willing to put in a persistent effort. At the risk of cliche, if I was to give my younger self a few self help pointers, a short list would be: - Turn to Christ in prayer. - Quit porn. - Be healthy. - Go on 1000 awkward dates until your anxiety is beat into the mud, and your social skills have leveled up a few times. You will find love on date 1001. Score dates on online dating sites. Look for sites that aren't just for adolescents looking for flings. If you're struggling to even get dates, buy a nice shirt, get a haircut and take some headshots with a professional photographer. If you're willing to grind it out using these principles, your odds should be pretty good for turning your life around. I say this as a married father of three who hardly has a minute to himself anymore, who was a hopeless 'forever alone' case only a decade ago.

puhi 7y ago
"Turn to Christ in prayer" like what? If you do that and 'Christ' is your mental anchor point, you will never be mentally free. You will get stuck. You can easily find social interactions without blocking your thinking like that. Also 'Quit porn'? How much porn did you consume on a daily basis that you really think this is in any way relevant? My short list would be more like: work on yourself; put yourself out there -> rinse and repeat.
- deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
- xwowsersx 7y ago
  The advantage of OPs list, whether you agree with the particulars or not, is that they are concrete, whereas your list contains vague and unquantifiable things ("work on yourself", "put yourself out there").
- slothtrop 7y ago
  In the public discourse the possibility of there being an unhealthy level of porn consumption is fairly recent, despite it being pretty accessible for many years. Some consumers are more prone to addiction than others, not just consuming daily but binging at that. Simply recognizing the potential for addiction and aiming to avoid overconsumption is more helpful than recognizing no problem at all, even if we don't choose to eschew porn altogether. Terry Crews has spoken about his trouble with it at length, and posted videos about it. Though I'm not sure to what extent his issue could be attributed to his wife having zero tolerance for his consumption.
earlINmeyerkeg 7y ago
"Turn to christ for prayer" I thought this was going to be a joke at first. Just remove that part and swap it with "meditation" because that's all it is. Meditating (prayer to jesus) is completely worthless, spoken from someone who did it for 10 years straight daily. It doesn't change anything, and makes you CONSTANTLY second guess your decisions as though a higher power didn't intend for something you wanted to go your way.
- codebolt 7y ago
  Regardless of your experience, praying to Christ is what I did, and it worked wonders for me. I realise this point might get some negative reactions on a forum like this, but I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't mention it when talking about how I turned my life around. A church can also be a great place to meet easy-going people looking to make friends, if you can leave your intellectual ego at the door. Not to mention meet potential dates who aren't deeply into modern hookup culture.
  - rozab 7y ago
    I think this depends on the country. In mine, young people who go to church tend to be a bit intense. But readers will know the scene in their own area. Thank you for honestly sharing your experiences.
  - toyg 7y ago
    I think you would have got a better reaction if you had kept it vague / respectful of other creeds. Stated like that, it is effectively proselytism - which I understand is something your creed might encourage, but most people are wont to react badly to people telling them what to believe in. Next time, if you replace that sentence with “I concentrated on my faith rituals”, you will likely not get any bad reaction.
    - throwaway_tech 7y ago
      >Next time, if you replace that sentence with “I concentrated on my faith rituals”, you will likely not get any bad reaction. Why should he have to deny or mask his own faith when speaking with himself? After all it is a list he created to give to his younger self....Could you just imagine yourself going back in time and masking your own faith to your younger self, on account suggesting to yourself what faith to practice may result in a bad reaction..from yourself.
DHPersonal 7y ago
I think you make many good points, but I think you must also be focused on keeping the drive to maintain things even in your married and child-filled state of life now; if you find yourself in a moment of calm you may find your feelings slumping once more.
maerF0x0 7y ago
> as a married How long have you been married?
- codebolt 7y ago
  We just had our 5 year anniversary. Started dating about one year before marriage.
tartoran 7y ago
I've had similar experiences in my past and just like you, isolation turned me quite asocial. Also my schedule drifted to its natural cycle and spent a lot of time staying up and was quite productive and enjoyed my own company but the cost was too much to bear. I noticed that I was becoming savage around people in the sense that I didn't know how to connect anymore. Fast forward 10 years and am married, have a child and fit into a normal schedule; am feeling quite healthy mentally, though I feel I don't get enough time just being by myself. If I had the chance to change anything in the past though, I would leave things as they are. I that feel I grew in some respects while being alone/lonely. I did not pray but I did my type of meditation which is painting. I've been watching a foreign documentary about isolated people, people who live in abandoned villages and have few or no neighbors or people who live in very inaccessible places and every single one of them were talking about god and praying and their painful loneliness.
- archagon 7y ago
  What's the documentary?
  - tartoran 7y ago
    The documentary was Romanian and unfortunately doesn't have English subs. The name escapes me right now...
- xur17 7y ago
  > Fast forward 10 years and am married, have a child and fit into a normal schedule; am feeling quite healthy mentally, though I feel I don't get enough time just being by myself. If I had the chance to change anything in the past though, I would leave things as they are. I that feel I grew in some respects while being alone/lonely. I did not pray but I did my type of meditation which is painting. What was your approach for becoming more social?
  - tartoran 7y ago
    I am not much more social, but I don't strive to be a social butterfly anyway; I have my family, a few friends, work and a few hobbies. I am not suffering of loneliness these days and am content with my introverted type. What I was pointing out earlier is that absolute isolation is not good even for introverts, we need some social exchange.
Cougher 7y ago
"Turn to Christ in prayer" I don't know that talking to someone who doesn't answer back is a very good help for loneliness.

puhi 7y ago

"Turn to Christ in prayer" like what? If you do that and 'Christ' is your mental anchor point, you will never be mentally free. You will get stuck. You can easily find social interactions without blocking your thinking like that. Also 'Quit porn'? How much porn did you consume on a daily basis that you really think this is in any way relevant? My short list would be more like: work on yourself; put yourself out there -> rinse and repeat.

deleted 7y ago
[deleted]
xwowsersx 7y ago
The advantage of OPs list, whether you agree with the particulars or not, is that they are concrete, whereas your list contains vague and unquantifiable things ("work on yourself", "put yourself out there").
slothtrop 7y ago
In the public discourse the possibility of there being an unhealthy level of porn consumption is fairly recent, despite it being pretty accessible for many years. Some consumers are more prone to addiction than others, not just consuming daily but binging at that. Simply recognizing the potential for addiction and aiming to avoid overconsumption is more helpful than recognizing no problem at all, even if we don't choose to eschew porn altogether. Terry Crews has spoken about his trouble with it at length, and posted videos about it. Though I'm not sure to what extent his issue could be attributed to his wife having zero tolerance for his consumption.

earlINmeyerkeg 7y ago

"Turn to christ for prayer" I thought this was going to be a joke at first. Just remove that part and swap it with "meditation" because that's all it is. Meditating (prayer to jesus) is completely worthless, spoken from someone who did it for 10 years straight daily. It doesn't change anything, and makes you CONSTANTLY second guess your decisions as though a higher power didn't intend for something you wanted to go your way.

codebolt 7y ago
Regardless of your experience, praying to Christ is what I did, and it worked wonders for me. I realise this point might get some negative reactions on a forum like this, but I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't mention it when talking about how I turned my life around. A church can also be a great place to meet easy-going people looking to make friends, if you can leave your intellectual ego at the door. Not to mention meet potential dates who aren't deeply into modern hookup culture.
- rozab 7y ago
  I think this depends on the country. In mine, young people who go to church tend to be a bit intense. But readers will know the scene in their own area. Thank you for honestly sharing your experiences.
- toyg 7y ago
  I think you would have got a better reaction if you had kept it vague / respectful of other creeds. Stated like that, it is effectively proselytism - which I understand is something your creed might encourage, but most people are wont to react badly to people telling them what to believe in. Next time, if you replace that sentence with “I concentrated on my faith rituals”, you will likely not get any bad reaction.
  - throwaway_tech 7y ago
    >Next time, if you replace that sentence with “I concentrated on my faith rituals”, you will likely not get any bad reaction. Why should he have to deny or mask his own faith when speaking with himself? After all it is a list he created to give to his younger self....Could you just imagine yourself going back in time and masking your own faith to your younger self, on account suggesting to yourself what faith to practice may result in a bad reaction..from yourself.

DHPersonal 7y ago

I think you make many good points, but I think you must also be focused on keeping the drive to maintain things even in your married and child-filled state of life now; if you find yourself in a moment of calm you may find your feelings slumping once more.

maerF0x0 7y ago

> as a married How long have you been married?

codebolt 7y ago
We just had our 5 year anniversary. Started dating about one year before marriage.

tartoran 7y ago

I've had similar experiences in my past and just like you, isolation turned me quite asocial. Also my schedule drifted to its natural cycle and spent a lot of time staying up and was quite productive and enjoyed my own company but the cost was too much to bear. I noticed that I was becoming savage around people in the sense that I didn't know how to connect anymore. Fast forward 10 years and am married, have a child and fit into a normal schedule; am feeling quite healthy mentally, though I feel I don't get enough time just being by myself. If I had the chance to change anything in the past though, I would leave things as they are. I that feel I grew in some respects while being alone/lonely. I did not pray but I did my type of meditation which is painting. I've been watching a foreign documentary about isolated people, people who live in abandoned villages and have few or no neighbors or people who live in very inaccessible places and every single one of them were talking about god and praying and their painful loneliness.

archagon 7y ago
What's the documentary?
- tartoran 7y ago
  The documentary was Romanian and unfortunately doesn't have English subs. The name escapes me right now...
xur17 7y ago
> Fast forward 10 years and am married, have a child and fit into a normal schedule; am feeling quite healthy mentally, though I feel I don't get enough time just being by myself. If I had the chance to change anything in the past though, I would leave things as they are. I that feel I grew in some respects while being alone/lonely. I did not pray but I did my type of meditation which is painting. What was your approach for becoming more social?
- tartoran 7y ago
  I am not much more social, but I don't strive to be a social butterfly anyway; I have my family, a few friends, work and a few hobbies. I am not suffering of loneliness these days and am content with my introverted type. What I was pointing out earlier is that absolute isolation is not good even for introverts, we need some social exchange.

Cougher 7y ago

"Turn to Christ in prayer" I don't know that talking to someone who doesn't answer back is a very good help for loneliness.