5 ms·

I have also been doing something similar for a few years to distract myself, reading, music, podcasts, long running tv shows, smoking weed, taking a longer rout

I have also been doing something similar for a few years to distract myself, reading, music, podcasts, long running tv shows, smoking weed, taking a longer route when leaving work on friday which does not have many restaurants/clubs, you name it. But it still leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled. And I can feel the problem only getting worse gradually. I have started hating the things I used to love, silence makes me anxious hence I need music pretty the whole time I am awake. Reading or learning anything new seems pointless since I don't know what to do with the new found knowledge/skill. The feeling of "no one cares" amplifies when you are alone. The advise of just "go out more" or "connect with new people" is not much helpful when you have terrible social anxiety and never learned to interact with people. In short, distracting yourself might help in short term, but it is not a sustainable solution.

throwaway7uA4 7y ago
(using throwaway account so I don't have to sanitize what I write) I can relate to what you write, I also used to feel social anxiety and always felt (and still sometimes feel) in the wrong place when going out with more social people. "Not having learned how to interact with people" is exactly how I often feel, having spent much too much time in front of my computer (teaching myself programming) during my younger years. But nowadays those deficiencies don't bother me much any more. Seems like I finally accepted who I am, and developed some sense of humor or towards situations where my lack of social skills become apparent. I think you overestimate how much people appreciate the social skills of the "cool guys". Sometimes it's quite ok to be a more introverted person that doesn't need to bother people with small-talk. It becomes easier once you stop trying to be someone you aren't. While it may be more difficult to get to know new people, once people get to know you, I think there is quite some tolerance towards people with less-than-average social skills. It doesn't make you a malicious person. About "connecting with people": due to family ties I stumbled into various niche hobbies that connect me with similar-minded people. I started playing the game of Go at various local clubs and also sometimes take part in amateur tournaments that give handicap to beginners to give everybody a chance. I also started training in some niche martial arts club after suffering quite some anxiety after a neighbour started showing physical agression towards my family. My experience with those hobbies where generally very positive. Those niche hobbies have a relatively small social circle, so you often run into people you already know, which is much less stressful to me than constantly having to learn to deal with new people. Also the "niche-ness" of those topics seems to impose a filter on the kind of persons that are drawn to them. I often meet very interesting, open-minded people that way, it's easy to have conversations and there's not much need for bull-shit small-talk :). A common, niche interest, already effortlessly creates some connection. Thinking back now, I think when I was younger I totally underestimated the availability of open-to-everybody activities that you can join if you want to meet like-minded people (or at least people that don't make you feel uncomfortable). I'd also say that I generally was too pessimistic about the impression I made on others. Not trying to dismiss anything of what you write, which honestly sounds like a pretty taxing situation to be in. Just trying to give some more data points for a bigger (and maybe or maybe not) more realistic picture. Maybe I should also mention that I suffered panic attacks and related general anxiety problems since my youth but did nothing about that until starting psychotherapy sessions a few years ago. In the beginning, this was a very difficult step to take, but looking back, I think nothing else would have helped in the long run. If you suffer from "terrible" social anxiety, then maybe this is also an angle to consider.
- augustk 7y ago
  > I can relate to what you write, I also used to feel social anxiety and always felt (and still sometimes feel) in the wrong place when going out with more social people. I think it is important not to conflate social people with extroverted people. Being somewhat introvert I tend to get exhausted around very extrovert people who suffer from verbal diarrhea. To my mind, a social person is someone who can tune in to other people and make them feel comfortable.
- davemp 7y ago
  Just adding on to this great comment: It can be hard to get over the anxiety to actually go out and participate in a club/sport. This feeling is pretty common for even people with good social lives. A trick I've found is just to evaluate your excuses. Usually you'll find that the reasons to skip going out are pretty weak and the potential upside to going is huge. Another one is to think about minimizing regrets. There's a comparatively low chance to regret going out over doing a solo activity.
seibelj 7y ago
Maybe try meetups organized online? Usually every city and region has a subreddit which organizes meetups. I know it will feel forced but at least you can be one of those people at a bar for once :) One thing to keep is the mentality that you don’t “need” friends. If one happens to come up, great. This way you don’t seem super desperate and can be yourself. I’m sorry you feel this way, no one deserves to live like that. Putting yourself out there more can do wonders. Maybe try volunteering? Even if you don’t meet anyone, at least you helped someone out.

throwaway7uA4 7y ago

(using throwaway account so I don't have to sanitize what I write) I can relate to what you write, I also used to feel social anxiety and always felt (and still sometimes feel) in the wrong place when going out with more social people. "Not having learned how to interact with people" is exactly how I often feel, having spent much too much time in front of my computer (teaching myself programming) during my younger years. But nowadays those deficiencies don't bother me much any more. Seems like I finally accepted who I am, and developed some sense of humor or towards situations where my lack of social skills become apparent. I think you overestimate how much people appreciate the social skills of the "cool guys". Sometimes it's quite ok to be a more introverted person that doesn't need to bother people with small-talk. It becomes easier once you stop trying to be someone you aren't. While it may be more difficult to get to know new people, once people get to know you, I think there is quite some tolerance towards people with less-than-average social skills. It doesn't make you a malicious person. About "connecting with people": due to family ties I stumbled into various niche hobbies that connect me with similar-minded people. I started playing the game of Go at various local clubs and also sometimes take part in amateur tournaments that give handicap to beginners to give everybody a chance. I also started training in some niche martial arts club after suffering quite some anxiety after a neighbour started showing physical agression towards my family. My experience with those hobbies where generally very positive. Those niche hobbies have a relatively small social circle, so you often run into people you already know, which is much less stressful to me than constantly having to learn to deal with new people. Also the "niche-ness" of those topics seems to impose a filter on the kind of persons that are drawn to them. I often meet very interesting, open-minded people that way, it's easy to have conversations and there's not much need for bull-shit small-talk :). A common, niche interest, already effortlessly creates some connection. Thinking back now, I think when I was younger I totally underestimated the availability of open-to-everybody activities that you can join if you want to meet like-minded people (or at least people that don't make you feel uncomfortable). I'd also say that I generally was too pessimistic about the impression I made on others. Not trying to dismiss anything of what you write, which honestly sounds like a pretty taxing situation to be in. Just trying to give some more data points for a bigger (and maybe or maybe not) more realistic picture. Maybe I should also mention that I suffered panic attacks and related general anxiety problems since my youth but did nothing about that until starting psychotherapy sessions a few years ago. In the beginning, this was a very difficult step to take, but looking back, I think nothing else would have helped in the long run. If you suffer from "terrible" social anxiety, then maybe this is also an angle to consider.

augustk 7y ago
> I can relate to what you write, I also used to feel social anxiety and always felt (and still sometimes feel) in the wrong place when going out with more social people. I think it is important not to conflate social people with extroverted people. Being somewhat introvert I tend to get exhausted around very extrovert people who suffer from verbal diarrhea. To my mind, a social person is someone who can tune in to other people and make them feel comfortable.
davemp 7y ago
Just adding on to this great comment: It can be hard to get over the anxiety to actually go out and participate in a club/sport. This feeling is pretty common for even people with good social lives. A trick I've found is just to evaluate your excuses. Usually you'll find that the reasons to skip going out are pretty weak and the potential upside to going is huge. Another one is to think about minimizing regrets. There's a comparatively low chance to regret going out over doing a solo activity.

seibelj 7y ago

Maybe try meetups organized online? Usually every city and region has a subreddit which organizes meetups. I know it will feel forced but at least you can be one of those people at a bar for once :) One thing to keep is the mentality that you don’t “need” friends. If one happens to come up, great. This way you don’t seem super desperate and can be yourself. I’m sorry you feel this way, no one deserves to live like that. Putting yourself out there more can do wonders. Maybe try volunteering? Even if you don’t meet anyone, at least you helped someone out.