13 ms·

Dealing with Loneliness

191 points by manojsurya 7y ago

pmoriarty 7y ago
One thing that's helped me is learning to enjoy my own company. This is a life-long endeavor which is helped by my natural curiosity. I love going to unfamiliar sections of the library and learning about subjects I didn't already know. From this can come hobbies like painting, making music, and writing that don't require anyone but yourself to do or enjoy. Reading itself is a marvelous solitary activity which can let me live entire lives and in different time periods and places from the perspective of different people, and finding writers who are on the same wavelength as me and who "get it" is a real treat. Then I feel I'm really communing with thinkers who've trod the road before and have a lot to teach me, even if we never meet in person. The toughest situations are on holidays or weekends when I'm walking by restaurants, bars, or houses with private parties full of couples or people who are friends with one another and having a great time. If I'm not focused on listening to a podcast or music or thinking about something else, and if I'm in a sad mood, that can sometimes be hard to take. Fortunately, such situations are relatively rare, and most of the time I enjoy reading, watching movies, pursuing my hobbies, and learning new things by myself.
- ftvy 7y ago
  I'd say that this is good advice for a lot of problems one faces in life.
- loblollyboy 7y ago
  I do this too and I’m not sure how good it is - I mean it’s good that you’re not drinking or overeating to cope but you’re (not just you, but the royal you) still just masking the problem
  - pmoriarty 7y ago
    Is it a problem? I've learned so much living a solitary life that I probably would never have learned if I'd spent all that time socializing. That's not to say there aren't benefits to socializing more, but I don't think it's so obvious which is better. Each has their advantages and disadvantages.
    - tempsy 7y ago
      interpersonal relationships are the core of what it means to be human
      - shrimpx 7y ago
        Not the core but near the core.
  - rimliu 7y ago
    There is loneliness and there is solitude. I do not consider the latter to be the problem at all. I may even claim that the inability to be alone and in silence may be the symptom of the deeper problem. What do you want to drown in the stream of constant interactions and music? Maybe that inner voice wants to say something very important?
- mysticmode 7y ago
  Yes, I think, loneliness can be coped with training our mind and body. It's a skill that could be developed by anyone. If we does, then it treats us in various ways. And we find that tranquility in ourselves. Your comment is very relevant to me especially regarding socializing. That too can be practiced :)
  - wahern 7y ago
    > Yes, I think, loneliness can be coped with training our mind and body. It's a skill that could be developed by anyone. I'm skeptical. Not that it can be developed, but that everyone can develop it to the point of being able to adequately cope with loneliness. From male prisoners today to pioneer wives of the 19th century, it seems pretty clear to me that some kinds of loneliness can be absolutely devastating for a subset of the population, which in turn suggests susceptibility and responses to loneliness behave like many other aspects of the human condition. I say this as someone who could likely be teleported to another planet for weeks if not years and be okay--other than perhaps losing the ability to speak[1] and maybe being more susceptible to mild depression or illness--so long as I had stuff to do. I'm not anti-social, but I am an introvert, and socializing takes energy and effort; just physically being in the presence of others can be draining. Conversely, I have several friends and family who derive energy from socializing. I don't think I'd ever have the energy to socialize as often and freely. They almost seem to crave it like they crave air or food. This makes me think that there are those on the opposite end of the spectrum for whom the effort required to stay psychologically healthy in the face of loneliness is more than they could ever muster. Our brains are like our bodies--while they function similarly, capacities can differ, and differ to the point where not all people can be expected to be able to sustain the same loads, even with all the exercise and preparation in the world. To suggest otherwise risks making other people feel inadequate or failures, especially those who need and seek external validation (again, for the most part not me, even though it still feels nice ;) The suggestions in the article basically amount to Socrates' instruction to "know thyself". Everybody would benefit from that, though it comes easier for some than others.[2] But that's merely a necessary condition (especially for depression), hardly a sufficient one. [1] After just 2 or 3 days of no talking I often stumble on the first few words out of my mouth. Likewise for listening to people, though that aspect is difficult to put into words. [1] Sometime you need input, directly or indirectly, from others to better understand yourself. I definitely don't think I'd thrive were I completely alone.
- tempsy 7y ago
  I don’t think distracting yourself from meeting new people is what the author had in mind. Or should be thought of as good advice on how to deal with it.
  - 0x8BADF00D 7y ago
    Blindly meeting people is like blindly sending your resume hoping you'll land a job. "Just go meet some new people" is not an actionable piece of advice, it's a platitude.
    - shrimpx 7y ago
      You're making it sound like putting on a blindfold and running into things hoping to strike a relationship. How about take a class you're interested in and look to instigate conversation with classmates about the subject matter?
      - tempsy 7y ago
        Ironically most people find their most intimate relationship through dating apps these days. That is as blind as it gets. And it works.
    - tempsy 7y ago
      Didn’t say that. For most adults it’s not always so much meeting a bunch of random people so much as nurturing the relationships you already have. As for romantic ones, most people these days do find their partners on dating apps, so “blindly” meeting dates that can turn into your most initiate relationship is not only accepted but is the norm.
- DarkCrusader2 7y ago
  I have also been doing something similar for a few years to distract myself, reading, music, podcasts, long running tv shows, smoking weed, taking a longer route when leaving work on friday which does not have many restaurants/clubs, you name it. But it still leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled. And I can feel the problem only getting worse gradually. I have started hating the things I used to love, silence makes me anxious hence I need music pretty the whole time I am awake. Reading or learning anything new seems pointless since I don't know what to do with the new found knowledge/skill. The feeling of "no one cares" amplifies when you are alone. The advise of just "go out more" or "connect with new people" is not much helpful when you have terrible social anxiety and never learned to interact with people. In short, distracting yourself might help in short term, but it is not a sustainable solution.
  - throwaway7uA4 7y ago
    (using throwaway account so I don't have to sanitize what I write) I can relate to what you write, I also used to feel social anxiety and always felt (and still sometimes feel) in the wrong place when going out with more social people. "Not having learned how to interact with people" is exactly how I often feel, having spent much too much time in front of my computer (teaching myself programming) during my younger years. But nowadays those deficiencies don't bother me much any more. Seems like I finally accepted who I am, and developed some sense of humor or towards situations where my lack of social skills become apparent. I think you overestimate how much people appreciate the social skills of the "cool guys". Sometimes it's quite ok to be a more introverted person that doesn't need to bother people with small-talk. It becomes easier once you stop trying to be someone you aren't. While it may be more difficult to get to know new people, once people get to know you, I think there is quite some tolerance towards people with less-than-average social skills. It doesn't make you a malicious person. About "connecting with people": due to family ties I stumbled into various niche hobbies that connect me with similar-minded people. I started playing the game of Go at various local clubs and also sometimes take part in amateur tournaments that give handicap to beginners to give everybody a chance. I also started training in some niche martial arts club after suffering quite some anxiety after a neighbour started showing physical agression towards my family. My experience with those hobbies where generally very positive. Those niche hobbies have a relatively small social circle, so you often run into people you already know, which is much less stressful to me than constantly having to learn to deal with new people. Also the "niche-ness" of those topics seems to impose a filter on the kind of persons that are drawn to them. I often meet very interesting, open-minded people that way, it's easy to have conversations and there's not much need for bull-shit small-talk :). A common, niche interest, already effortlessly creates some connection. Thinking back now, I think when I was younger I totally underestimated the availability of open-to-everybody activities that you can join if you want to meet like-minded people (or at least people that don't make you feel uncomfortable). I'd also say that I generally was too pessimistic about the impression I made on others. Not trying to dismiss anything of what you write, which honestly sounds like a pretty taxing situation to be in. Just trying to give some more data points for a bigger (and maybe or maybe not) more realistic picture. Maybe I should also mention that I suffered panic attacks and related general anxiety problems since my youth but did nothing about that until starting psychotherapy sessions a few years ago. In the beginning, this was a very difficult step to take, but looking back, I think nothing else would have helped in the long run. If you suffer from "terrible" social anxiety, then maybe this is also an angle to consider.
- pm90 7y ago
  I've had a similar experience. As a late bloomer socially, I attributed my lack of friends to a defect in my person and was depressed about it throughout HS and Uni. Reading and writing both are very important to me, as I feel like I'm able to convey my thoughts somewhere and also stay in touch with the world. But the best thing so far has been podcasts. I suspect its because these are real conversations between humans, rather than the scripted conversations of books, movies etc. I suspect that if I was not fortunate to work in a high income job, I would be forced to be more social (get a roommate, look for satisfaction in companionship etc.). But I actually prefer the solitude to the many issues and drama that comes with relationships and friendships. That can be an all-consuming world, and I've lost my sense of self by being too involved before. > The toughest situations are on holidays or weekends when I'm walking by restaurants, bars, or houses with private parties full of couples or people who are friends with one another and having a great time. What helps me with this is to remember that no relationships are as good as they seem from the outside. Perhaps a terrible way to think about these things. All human societies incentivize partnerships and nudge lonely humans to pair up. I have to wonder how much of this is derived from our recent past. I'm hoping that as the nature of our society evolves, we will be better able to account for everyone's preferences on how to live their life.
  - power78 7y ago
    I think you're not realizing the biological foundation of social interaction; it's not merely a product of society.
  - pasabagi 7y ago
    >human societies incentivize partnerships and nudge lonely humans to pair up I think the opposite is true. For economic growth, maximum workforce mobility is preferable. Relationships reduce mobility, since they tie workers to specific locations. Our society has, for hundreds of years, increased the mobility of its workforce both intentionally and unintentionally, and so the average size of social grouping has declined, from the medieval village, to the victorian extended family, to the 20th century nuclear family, to us - atomized individuals. Ultimately, if earning power is the sole source of human value, then any tradition that either takes a worker away from their job or doesn't allow them to find their maximum productivity role will progressively wither, since the followers of such traditions will be competing for resources against higher-income individuals, who can consequently outbid them. So this sets up a sliding scale of incentives, that goes all the way down to forcible eviction (if you're choosing social ties over productivity, are you always going to pay rent) or starvation (like generations of farmers, 'starved out' of their land).
- irrational 7y ago
  I recently had a coworker that had a medical issue that required him to have someone around. Typically a spouse, adult child, roommate, friend, etc. could fill that role, but when the medical staff asked him who he had, he realized that he had no one and didn't have an answer to their question. He ended up having to pay a nurse type person to come and stay at his house with him. I prefer solitude myself also, but after hearing about his experience I'm glad that I have some people in my life I can rely on.
- danenania 7y ago
  Great comment. I think it's important to remember that being with other people won't necessarily make you feel good. In fact, more generally, nothing in life that you feel you are lacking beyond the basic requirements for survival and dignity will necessarily make you feel a lot better when you have it. There are introverted, largely solitary people who fully enjoy their lives, and there are extremely social people with tons of friends who are miserable most of the time, and vice versa. It's the same with money or romantic love or fame or physical beauty or success or sex or just about anything else. People who have as much as they could ever want of all those things routinely kill themselves. The only thing that seems to work consistently is learning to challenge that inner voice that tells you aren't enough, don't have enough, etc. etc. and make the most of whatever you do have.
  - finaliteration 7y ago
    > I think it's important to remember that being with other people won't necessarily make you feel good. This is something I’ve been coming to terms with a lot lately. I grew up in an abusive family with drug addict parents where neglect was a common thing so I strongly crave attachment. But just because you are physically with other people doesn’t mean that attachment and connections will be formed. In fact, I’ve found in most situations the opposite is true: lackluster interactions that leave me feeling even more disconnected and detached because they feel so vapid, meaningless, and shallow. I’ve endured quite a lot of pain and found that nothing is quite as painful as feeling completely alone in a room full of friends, family, and/or coworkers.
- shrimpx 7y ago
  Are you lonely on purpose?
jdkee 7y ago
Reposting as it is on point. “ Proximity, unplanned encounters and the privacy to confide with someone have been identified as key factors in making friends as an adult.[cite]” Factors that make it difficult for Americans to make friends as they age: 1. Isolation driven by car culture. 2. Un-walkable communities outside cities. 3. Media driven self absorption vitiating real world interaction. 4. Political and social siloing as a result of #3. “Bowling Alone” by Putnam was prescient by did not offer any realistic solutions.
- pm90 7y ago
  The solutions are to build mixed use, walkable communities. If you've ever been to Austin, Texas, check out the Muller development (for example).
- clarry 7y ago
  I disagree with the first two factors, as a European. I live in a city where people walk and cycle a lot, but that does nothing for loneliness. No, seeing random strangers on the street is not a substitute for a meaningful relationships, and no, these random strangers you see do not make friends either. Factor three is probably a major one in all countries where people are spending time staring at screens instead of interacting with each other. Factor #4 doesn't really show up much in my corner of Europe.
  - rimliu 7y ago
    I think this is where US culture and European culture differs a lot. For some reason, in US everyone needs to interact with anyone who stays longer than two seconds in close enough proximity. I am so thankful this is not a case in Europe (at least where I am) — for an introvert hating chit-chat it gets annoying really fast.
- lucaspottersky 7y ago
  https://youtu.be/mRtMfF131Kk?t=332 https://youtu.be/mRtMfF131Kk?t=332
- rimliu 7y ago
brightball 7y ago
Loneliness works as a motivator. The point where you get tired of being lonely is the point where you actually try to fix it. That can mean working to improve yourself and your social skills. It can mean joining local groups to meet people, make friends and do good work. I watch people who are older than me and I see so many more habits that lead to consistently strong social lives. Golf is huge. Guys who join a club and go play once or twice a week, then hang out together afterwards. I don’t play but the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve respected the benefits. Church is another. Easy to get involved, totally free. Family is another and one that I think causes the biggest loneliness issue because so many people move away for work these days. So many people I know who are older have most of their family in one city and get together constantly. I’m sure there’s more, but the short of it is: use loneliness as a motivator to decide you aren’t going to be lonely anymore and find ways to fix the problem. It might been a combination of self improvement, forced courage or effort but you can do it.
- andykx 7y ago
  I am not lonely. I'm lucky enough to have had the same group of close friends since we were like, 5 years old, a girlfriend, and family about 35 minutes away. That being said, we live in a relatively rural place and I see a lot of people struggle with loneliness. It's not as simple as "joining a group" when there aren't any around. Maybe you could go to a bar, but the people at the bar are mostly older townies (we're mid-20s to early-30s). Plus, going to bars is less fun when you have to think about driving home. They could go to church, but most people around my age aren't religious, and the few people who do go to Church around here tend to live very faith-focused lives. I guess the ultimate solution is to leave their hometowns. I've pushed several of them to go back to school as a method of getting out of their situations and meeting people, and it's honestly been kind of successful. We live in NY, so school is free if you meet certain economic requirements. It's been great to see them flourish.
  - brightball 7y ago
    Usually there’s some type of local organization, but I guess that depends on how rural we’re talking. Even a rotary club or something similar. There’s usually a charity organization of some sort.
deleted 7y ago
[deleted]
apatters 7y ago
The article makes a good effort to identify the root causes of loneliness and provide solutions, but it misses the mark a bit. Loneliness is an involuntary reaction that arises from a lack of meaningful social connections. Here a meaningful connection is defined as one where there is a mutual sense that you can confide in each other, you understand each other, and you would be there to support each other through difficult situations large and small. You can have hundreds of social connections but if they don't have these properties, they're of limited utility in combating loneliness. This is why even in a city where it's easy to meet people, loneliness is still a common ailment. This is why celebrities adored by millions can still be so lonely that they end their lives. It's difficult though not impossible to develop meaningful connections during adulthood. It takes years of contact and requires social or environmental conditions that may not be easy to find. So historically, the #1 source of them has been family (though not everyone is born into a family which supports and encourages them, and the prevalence of such healthy families is decreasing). The loneliness epidemic in modern times is thus attributable in great part to the erosion of family units and other early age relationships. What makes it difficult to solve is that there were a number of grievances with that model which the liberal, individualist project intended to address, such as the oppression of women who were economically dependent on their husbands, and the way in which tightly knit families often stifled self-expression. The modern system in which all adults are workers and consumers also supports the interests of capital (more workers equals cheaper labor, more consumers means bigger markets, together you get record growth). No one really wants to roll back the progress that the liberal project achieved, but the side effects are ravaging society. The colloquial solution is Friendsgiving dinner--let's still do all the things people used to do with their families, but do it with our friends. However it misses the point that meaningful relationships must be developed over years of regular contact, mutual trust, and even sacrifice--not impossible, certainly worth attempting, but hard to do reliably in adulthood with people who may develop divergent interests over time (for example, starting their own families). Therefore it is unlikely to be a systemic solution. I have no systemic solution to propose.
- blablabla123 7y ago
  > Loneliness is an involuntary reaction that arises from a lack of meaningful social connections. If you have these meaningful social connections and you can talk with them about stuff that really matters to you, that's great. However if you cannot do any fun activities together, that can also provoke a sense of loneliness. Ideally the full package is available, including a satisfying job and all that but maybe that's just unrealistic ;)
5847f6da7bfeb7 7y ago
> Open your phone or WhatsApp contacts, scroll them and check who are those friends, relations or family you want to meet. Now plan for 2-3 meetings weekly, until your loneliness feeling goes away. This is what triggers me A LOT. When I open my contacts, there are literally only four. One of them is my mother and the other three are therapists. I don't know how to deal with that. Even if I want to I am not really able to find people to do something with like going out to a bar or whatever. I just don't have anybody to talk to. Also, since I don't have a Smartphone, nor Facebook, Google or whatever account, it is even harder to get into contact with people. No, i won't make a google or facebook account.
- kerkeslager 7y ago
  > Even if I want to I am not really able to find people to do something with like going out to a bar or whatever. How did you come to this conclusion? It seems like part of the problem is you're just jumping straight to "going to hang out at a bar" when that's generally something people do when they're already friends. That happens when you already know each other, have shared interests, etc. Sure, there are people who go to bars and meet people, but when that works, it just means your shared interest is drinking... which can be okay, but isn't the right fit for a lot of people. Is there something you're interested in? Go take a class in that. Not interested anything? Try martial arts, dance, something that gets you moving and interacting with people. Literally people are literally paying to come hang out with you at those places. You're not the only lonely one out there. Find the others!
  - 5847f6da7bfeb7 7y ago
    I am interested in programming and riding my mountainbike through the woods. While the latter is pretty dangerous and i really should find someone to do it together with - just for safety purposes - I have a hard time going somewhere where i could get to know people. And if I do, I usually keep myself from getting them to know any better than the usual 'hi, how are you?'
    - amwelles 7y ago
jakeogh 7y ago
Find a gym, go. If you dont like it, find another. Keep going. 3x/week. Forever. Be humble, be curious, be friendly. Start every gym session by running. If you cant run, jog. If you cant jog, walk. Exercize is _by far_ the most useful thing you can do for yourself. Other problems (like being lonely) become easier to fix or just fix themselves.
- Cougher 7y ago
  Exercise can be extremely beneficial. It can even be a diversion away from the pain of social isolation. I don't understand the odd stipulation of starting every gym session in any particular way.
  - richthegeek 7y ago
    For me a 5-10m jog at medium pace is a good way to warm up. Don't get tired, barely get out of breath, just stretch your muscles and get your body ready for the rest of the session. If you prefer to stretch then do that instead :)
    - Cougher 7y ago
      I prefer neither. That's my point: one of the beauties of exercise is that there are so many ways to approach it. One of the most important keys to a sustainable exercise program is tailoring it to what works for the person doing it, not what works for other people. A person is far more likely to do what they enjoy doing rather than forcing themselves to do what other people enjoy doing.
      - richthegeek 7y ago
        I've done the whole "no stretching" thing before weightlifting when I was younger. It's led to injury every time, and that injury leads to 3-month breeaks. Trading 10 minutes per session for a greatly increased chance of sticking with it indefinitely is the choice I make. If you're lucky enough to not need stretching, or you do something like yoga so as to be pretty limber all the time, more power to you!
maxheadroom 7y ago
In an ever-connected world, it's entirely plausible for you to die alone and for no one to have seemingly cared.[0] [0] - https://www.oddee.com/item_98735.aspx https://www.oddee.com/item_98735.aspx
jayonsoftware 7y ago
Lookup groups on Meetup.com, when I first moved to a new city, did not know anyone, started going to meetup.com, then I started my own meetup group. Lot of work, but have built a good list of good friends. Making and maintaining friends is work, you need to put time into it. No one comes out of the blue and want to be your friend (well unless you are rich or hot)...but I know many hot/rich people who are lonely too.
alicorn 7y ago
During the first 30 or so years of my life I actively strained to have a happy family, wide social circle and all the associated social trappings. The amount of money, energy and time I plowed into this was incredible, and, in retrospect, I was often taken advantage of due to my almost desperate need to belong. From the outside I was a picture of social success, especially given that I had recently moved countries and started from scratch in the middle of nowhere. But you see, it is easy to completely lose ones own identity if one values themselves from the mirror of the expectations of others, or, even worse, their expectations regarding others' expectations of themselves. At some especially dark night of my soul I was forced to admit that I had no idea who _I_ was. Everything I did was, essentially, facade building, and behind that facade there was emptiness, and a fair bit of chaos as well. So sometime around 35 I gave up. I cut out my toxic parents from my life, stopped pursuing romantic relationships ot of fear of being alone, stopped collecting 'cool' acquaintances in real life and on Facebook and focused instead on two things: - building quality relationships with those few humans whom I loved, respected and who truly reciprocated in kind, - discovering myself and building a stable foundation to become fully me. I also got a dog, not because I am a dog person, but because I figured out that I have been looking for unconditional approval no human can actually give, but dogs, from what I read, can, and do all the time. This proved to be the right decision and has helped me a lot to become my own person. It was, and still is, an adventure. I have discovered many new things I enjoy and discarded equally many I only partook because it was a way to please, finally stabilised my finances and career, acquired tons of knowledge, read hundreds of sci-fi and fantasy books, developed my own style, decorated my home entirely to my taste and, perhaps most surprisingly for anyone who knows me, taken up triathlon which I enjoy so much. It is both expensive and time-consuming, but, at last, all that time, money and energy goes to myself, forming a positive feedback loop. My social interactions are a lot fewer and my circle of acquaintances a lot smaller these days, but each and every one of them is cherished. My life is busy enough now that both additional social interactions and romantic pursuits perforce are subjected to a sort of cost-benefit analysis - will this activity help me grow as a person more than the one I will be skipping out on instead? My main insight from this process is that it seems that we in general expect someone else to provide for us the feeling of safety, companionship and happiness that we are fully capable of giving to ourselves. It is so much easier to blame others for our own misery - it requires no effort and gives a temporary relief from pain, transforming it into anger. Empowerment starts when, instead of hoisting it off to others we can not control, but can endlessly blame, we fully take responsibility for making ourselves happy, content and safe. The 'unconditional positive regard' [1] is something we can give ourselves if only we allow ourselves to do so, and in so doing, heal and become whole in a way that nobody else can do for us. Similarly to @pmoriarty, holidays which are traditional to be spent with ones family can still be tough for me sometimes. But just this last Christmas (which I spent entirely by myself) I came to conclusion that my main source of sadness is not the fact that I am alone. I do not like large gatherings of people, I do not enjoy most of the traditions around the holiday and I am bored by inane conversations which are part and parcel of gatherings of people who have not seen each other for a while and do not even know each other all that well anymore. No, the sadness is due to the feeling that I am missing out on something that everyone else has, which society has conditioned me to believe is the only way to be happy at this particular date and time, with the associated feelings of unfairness, jealousy and self-pity. Once I got past that, I realised that I have the freedom to choose what _I_ want to do with the evening that will make _me_ happy, most likely a lot happier than any alternatives any other humans could provide. So I took home delicious food and spent the night being cosy and reflecting on the past year and making plans for the next one. So to conclude, “there are infinitely many kinds of beautiful lives” [2]. It takes courage and a fair bit of work to find yours, but it is worth it. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unconditional_positive_regard https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unconditional_positive_regard [2] https://www.brainpickings.org/2018/11/01/figuring/ https://www.brainpickings.org/2018/11/01/figuring/
clarry 7y ago
Am I reading this writeup wrong? Because to me it reads like "oh you're lonely? deal with it, or just make friends!" which isn't very helpful. It's more like a well-intentioned spitting in the face of everyone who is lonely and repeatedly tried and failed to make meaningful relationships.
- el_cujo 7y ago
  >"oh you're lonely? deal with it, or just make friends!" No, it's much worse, it's telling you to just hang out more with all of those friends you already have.
Timpy 7y ago
I joined a salsa class about 9 months ago and my life has changed drastically because of it. Salsa is a partner dance, so improving my skills gave me the confidence to be more social. Since the salsa scene in my town is modestly sized the kind of people that join seem to be "interested in seeking new experiences" kinds of people. Lots of world languages are represented, and there seems to be a disproportionately high amount of Masters and PHDs in the group. For me the best part is that everyone seems genuinely interested in improving themselves. I don't think this is a panacea (can there be one for solving loneliness?) but some might find it a good idea so I wanted to share.
codebolt 7y ago
I had several years of my twenties where I was a real loner, and while I enjoy having time to myself, I've found that chronic prolonged loneliness is very detrimental to my psyche, to the point where I get mentally ill. It may seem hopeless, but it's certainly possible to change your circumstance if you're willing to put in a persistent effort. At the risk of cliche, if I was to give my younger self a few self help pointers, a short list would be: - Turn to Christ in prayer. - Quit porn. - Be healthy. - Go on 1000 awkward dates until your anxiety is beat into the mud, and your social skills have leveled up a few times. You will find love on date 1001. Score dates on online dating sites. Look for sites that aren't just for adolescents looking for flings. If you're struggling to even get dates, buy a nice shirt, get a haircut and take some headshots with a professional photographer. If you're willing to grind it out using these principles, your odds should be pretty good for turning your life around. I say this as a married father of three who hardly has a minute to himself anymore, who was a hopeless 'forever alone' case only a decade ago.
- puhi 7y ago
  "Turn to Christ in prayer" like what? If you do that and 'Christ' is your mental anchor point, you will never be mentally free. You will get stuck. You can easily find social interactions without blocking your thinking like that. Also 'Quit porn'? How much porn did you consume on a daily basis that you really think this is in any way relevant? My short list would be more like: work on yourself; put yourself out there -> rinse and repeat.
  - deleted 7y ago
    [deleted]
  - xwowsersx 7y ago
    The advantage of OPs list, whether you agree with the particulars or not, is that they are concrete, whereas your list contains vague and unquantifiable things ("work on yourself", "put yourself out there").
  - slothtrop 7y ago
    In the public discourse the possibility of there being an unhealthy level of porn consumption is fairly recent, despite it being pretty accessible for many years. Some consumers are more prone to addiction than others, not just consuming daily but binging at that. Simply recognizing the potential for addiction and aiming to avoid overconsumption is more helpful than recognizing no problem at all, even if we don't choose to eschew porn altogether. Terry Crews has spoken about his trouble with it at length, and posted videos about it. Though I'm not sure to what extent his issue could be attributed to his wife having zero tolerance for his consumption.
thanatropism 7y ago
This is a weird thread, full of personal solutions. There is no instruction manual for life.
Pamar 7y ago
Allow me to "pimp" an old contribution of mine on this topic: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=17794060 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=17794060
maerF0x0 7y ago
> When your best friend comes to you and shares how he or she is feeling. How would you react? I believe – you will have a listening ear for them, feel their pain, care for them and support them. many lonely people reading this wont know because they dont have a best friend.
- dot1x 7y ago
  the author doesn't seem to realize the irony
rakefire 7y ago
Every time I get lonely I want to adopt a puppy. Then I struggle with the thought of my incapability to make him happy because of my lifestyle (I don't have my own house and move frequently)... Of course I feel even more miserable than before when my sadness was caused by my loneliness. This happens at least once a month.
- power78 7y ago
  Why not go to the local pound and taking the dogs on a walk? That way you can feel the satisfaction of providing happiness to less-fortunate animals and not have to worry about owning one.
gura 7y ago
Your last paragraph basically translates to me to 'doesnt matter what I believe there was an open woman who took me when I hadn't had a chance otherwise.' Sure why not.
manojsurya 7y ago
Guys, this is amazing. I wasn't expecting lots of comments and discussions. I had a long day and crashing right now. I will read comments here and will try to reply to my best effort to most of your thoughts. Got more than 7000 unique users from here. Thank you. Hope you liked the article :)
bubba1236 7y ago
I think the problem is family. Western people are astoundingly cold with their families.
hosh 7y ago
There's a distinction between loneliness and solitude. I've been looking at this from a perspective that is more relatable to psychonauts. I think the "social connection" is just the superficial aspect of loneliness. I think more fundamentally, this is about alienation, of which loneliness is one of ways it comes out. I have met people who created the appearance of social connections -- idealized lives on Facebook, instagram, etc. and they feel very much isolated and alone. They feel that way because they still feel alienated, that they cannot be who they truly feel.
- codebolt 7y ago
  As long as you choose to live within a society, you're going to run into a lot of trouble if you try to just ignore everyone else and only structure your life around your own imagination (double so if your imagination has been bastardized by drugs).

191 points by manojsurya 7y ago

One thing that's helped me is learning to enjoy my own company. This is a life-long endeavor which is helped by my natural curiosity. I love going to unfamiliar sections of the library and learning about subjects I didn't already know. From this can come hobbies like painting, making music, and writing that don't require anyone but yourself to do or enjoy. Reading itself is a marvelous solitary activity which can let me live entire lives and in different time periods and places from the perspective of different people, and finding writers who are on the same wavelength as me and who "get it" is a real treat. Then I feel I'm really communing with thinkers who've trod the road before and have a lot to teach me, even if we never meet in person. The toughest situations are on holidays or weekends when I'm walking by restaurants, bars, or houses with private parties full of couples or people who are friends with one another and having a great time. If I'm not focused on listening to a podcast or music or thinking about something else, and if I'm in a sad mood, that can sometimes be hard to take. Fortunately, such situations are relatively rare, and most of the time I enjoy reading, watching movies, pursuing my hobbies, and learning new things by myself.

ftvy 7y ago
I'd say that this is good advice for a lot of problems one faces in life.
loblollyboy 7y ago
I do this too and I’m not sure how good it is - I mean it’s good that you’re not drinking or overeating to cope but you’re (not just you, but the royal you) still just masking the problem
- pmoriarty 7y ago
  Is it a problem? I've learned so much living a solitary life that I probably would never have learned if I'd spent all that time socializing. That's not to say there aren't benefits to socializing more, but I don't think it's so obvious which is better. Each has their advantages and disadvantages.
  - tempsy 7y ago
    interpersonal relationships are the core of what it means to be human
    - shrimpx 7y ago
      Not the core but near the core.
- rimliu 7y ago
  There is loneliness and there is solitude. I do not consider the latter to be the problem at all. I may even claim that the inability to be alone and in silence may be the symptom of the deeper problem. What do you want to drown in the stream of constant interactions and music? Maybe that inner voice wants to say something very important?
mysticmode 7y ago
Yes, I think, loneliness can be coped with training our mind and body. It's a skill that could be developed by anyone. If we does, then it treats us in various ways. And we find that tranquility in ourselves. Your comment is very relevant to me especially regarding socializing. That too can be practiced :)
- wahern 7y ago
  > Yes, I think, loneliness can be coped with training our mind and body. It's a skill that could be developed by anyone. I'm skeptical. Not that it can be developed, but that everyone can develop it to the point of being able to adequately cope with loneliness. From male prisoners today to pioneer wives of the 19th century, it seems pretty clear to me that some kinds of loneliness can be absolutely devastating for a subset of the population, which in turn suggests susceptibility and responses to loneliness behave like many other aspects of the human condition. I say this as someone who could likely be teleported to another planet for weeks if not years and be okay--other than perhaps losing the ability to speak[1] and maybe being more susceptible to mild depression or illness--so long as I had stuff to do. I'm not anti-social, but I am an introvert, and socializing takes energy and effort; just physically being in the presence of others can be draining. Conversely, I have several friends and family who derive energy from socializing. I don't think I'd ever have the energy to socialize as often and freely. They almost seem to crave it like they crave air or food. This makes me think that there are those on the opposite end of the spectrum for whom the effort required to stay psychologically healthy in the face of loneliness is more than they could ever muster. Our brains are like our bodies--while they function similarly, capacities can differ, and differ to the point where not all people can be expected to be able to sustain the same loads, even with all the exercise and preparation in the world. To suggest otherwise risks making other people feel inadequate or failures, especially those who need and seek external validation (again, for the most part not me, even though it still feels nice ;) The suggestions in the article basically amount to Socrates' instruction to "know thyself". Everybody would benefit from that, though it comes easier for some than others.[2] But that's merely a necessary condition (especially for depression), hardly a sufficient one. [1] After just 2 or 3 days of no talking I often stumble on the first few words out of my mouth. Likewise for listening to people, though that aspect is difficult to put into words. [1] Sometime you need input, directly or indirectly, from others to better understand yourself. I definitely don't think I'd thrive were I completely alone.
tempsy 7y ago
I don’t think distracting yourself from meeting new people is what the author had in mind. Or should be thought of as good advice on how to deal with it.
- 0x8BADF00D 7y ago
  Blindly meeting people is like blindly sending your resume hoping you'll land a job. "Just go meet some new people" is not an actionable piece of advice, it's a platitude.
  - shrimpx 7y ago
    You're making it sound like putting on a blindfold and running into things hoping to strike a relationship. How about take a class you're interested in and look to instigate conversation with classmates about the subject matter?
    - tempsy 7y ago
      Ironically most people find their most intimate relationship through dating apps these days. That is as blind as it gets. And it works.
  - tempsy 7y ago
    Didn’t say that. For most adults it’s not always so much meeting a bunch of random people so much as nurturing the relationships you already have. As for romantic ones, most people these days do find their partners on dating apps, so “blindly” meeting dates that can turn into your most initiate relationship is not only accepted but is the norm.
DarkCrusader2 7y ago
I have also been doing something similar for a few years to distract myself, reading, music, podcasts, long running tv shows, smoking weed, taking a longer route when leaving work on friday which does not have many restaurants/clubs, you name it. But it still leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled. And I can feel the problem only getting worse gradually. I have started hating the things I used to love, silence makes me anxious hence I need music pretty the whole time I am awake. Reading or learning anything new seems pointless since I don't know what to do with the new found knowledge/skill. The feeling of "no one cares" amplifies when you are alone. The advise of just "go out more" or "connect with new people" is not much helpful when you have terrible social anxiety and never learned to interact with people. In short, distracting yourself might help in short term, but it is not a sustainable solution.
- throwaway7uA4 7y ago
  (using throwaway account so I don't have to sanitize what I write) I can relate to what you write, I also used to feel social anxiety and always felt (and still sometimes feel) in the wrong place when going out with more social people. "Not having learned how to interact with people" is exactly how I often feel, having spent much too much time in front of my computer (teaching myself programming) during my younger years. But nowadays those deficiencies don't bother me much any more. Seems like I finally accepted who I am, and developed some sense of humor or towards situations where my lack of social skills become apparent. I think you overestimate how much people appreciate the social skills of the "cool guys". Sometimes it's quite ok to be a more introverted person that doesn't need to bother people with small-talk. It becomes easier once you stop trying to be someone you aren't. While it may be more difficult to get to know new people, once people get to know you, I think there is quite some tolerance towards people with less-than-average social skills. It doesn't make you a malicious person. About "connecting with people": due to family ties I stumbled into various niche hobbies that connect me with similar-minded people. I started playing the game of Go at various local clubs and also sometimes take part in amateur tournaments that give handicap to beginners to give everybody a chance. I also started training in some niche martial arts club after suffering quite some anxiety after a neighbour started showing physical agression towards my family. My experience with those hobbies where generally very positive. Those niche hobbies have a relatively small social circle, so you often run into people you already know, which is much less stressful to me than constantly having to learn to deal with new people. Also the "niche-ness" of those topics seems to impose a filter on the kind of persons that are drawn to them. I often meet very interesting, open-minded people that way, it's easy to have conversations and there's not much need for bull-shit small-talk :). A common, niche interest, already effortlessly creates some connection. Thinking back now, I think when I was younger I totally underestimated the availability of open-to-everybody activities that you can join if you want to meet like-minded people (or at least people that don't make you feel uncomfortable). I'd also say that I generally was too pessimistic about the impression I made on others. Not trying to dismiss anything of what you write, which honestly sounds like a pretty taxing situation to be in. Just trying to give some more data points for a bigger (and maybe or maybe not) more realistic picture. Maybe I should also mention that I suffered panic attacks and related general anxiety problems since my youth but did nothing about that until starting psychotherapy sessions a few years ago. In the beginning, this was a very difficult step to take, but looking back, I think nothing else would have helped in the long run. If you suffer from "terrible" social anxiety, then maybe this is also an angle to consider.
pm90 7y ago
I've had a similar experience. As a late bloomer socially, I attributed my lack of friends to a defect in my person and was depressed about it throughout HS and Uni. Reading and writing both are very important to me, as I feel like I'm able to convey my thoughts somewhere and also stay in touch with the world. But the best thing so far has been podcasts. I suspect its because these are real conversations between humans, rather than the scripted conversations of books, movies etc. I suspect that if I was not fortunate to work in a high income job, I would be forced to be more social (get a roommate, look for satisfaction in companionship etc.). But I actually prefer the solitude to the many issues and drama that comes with relationships and friendships. That can be an all-consuming world, and I've lost my sense of self by being too involved before. > The toughest situations are on holidays or weekends when I'm walking by restaurants, bars, or houses with private parties full of couples or people who are friends with one another and having a great time. What helps me with this is to remember that no relationships are as good as they seem from the outside. Perhaps a terrible way to think about these things. All human societies incentivize partnerships and nudge lonely humans to pair up. I have to wonder how much of this is derived from our recent past. I'm hoping that as the nature of our society evolves, we will be better able to account for everyone's preferences on how to live their life.
- power78 7y ago
  I think you're not realizing the biological foundation of social interaction; it's not merely a product of society.
- pasabagi 7y ago
  >human societies incentivize partnerships and nudge lonely humans to pair up I think the opposite is true. For economic growth, maximum workforce mobility is preferable. Relationships reduce mobility, since they tie workers to specific locations. Our society has, for hundreds of years, increased the mobility of its workforce both intentionally and unintentionally, and so the average size of social grouping has declined, from the medieval village, to the victorian extended family, to the 20th century nuclear family, to us - atomized individuals. Ultimately, if earning power is the sole source of human value, then any tradition that either takes a worker away from their job or doesn't allow them to find their maximum productivity role will progressively wither, since the followers of such traditions will be competing for resources against higher-income individuals, who can consequently outbid them. So this sets up a sliding scale of incentives, that goes all the way down to forcible eviction (if you're choosing social ties over productivity, are you always going to pay rent) or starvation (like generations of farmers, 'starved out' of their land).
irrational 7y ago
I recently had a coworker that had a medical issue that required him to have someone around. Typically a spouse, adult child, roommate, friend, etc. could fill that role, but when the medical staff asked him who he had, he realized that he had no one and didn't have an answer to their question. He ended up having to pay a nurse type person to come and stay at his house with him. I prefer solitude myself also, but after hearing about his experience I'm glad that I have some people in my life I can rely on.
danenania 7y ago
Great comment. I think it's important to remember that being with other people won't necessarily make you feel good. In fact, more generally, nothing in life that you feel you are lacking beyond the basic requirements for survival and dignity will necessarily make you feel a lot better when you have it. There are introverted, largely solitary people who fully enjoy their lives, and there are extremely social people with tons of friends who are miserable most of the time, and vice versa. It's the same with money or romantic love or fame or physical beauty or success or sex or just about anything else. People who have as much as they could ever want of all those things routinely kill themselves. The only thing that seems to work consistently is learning to challenge that inner voice that tells you aren't enough, don't have enough, etc. etc. and make the most of whatever you do have.
- finaliteration 7y ago
  > I think it's important to remember that being with other people won't necessarily make you feel good. This is something I’ve been coming to terms with a lot lately. I grew up in an abusive family with drug addict parents where neglect was a common thing so I strongly crave attachment. But just because you are physically with other people doesn’t mean that attachment and connections will be formed. In fact, I’ve found in most situations the opposite is true: lackluster interactions that leave me feeling even more disconnected and detached because they feel so vapid, meaningless, and shallow. I’ve endured quite a lot of pain and found that nothing is quite as painful as feeling completely alone in a room full of friends, family, and/or coworkers.
shrimpx 7y ago
Are you lonely on purpose?

jdkee 7y ago

Reposting as it is on point. “ Proximity, unplanned encounters and the privacy to confide with someone have been identified as key factors in making friends as an adult.[cite]” Factors that make it difficult for Americans to make friends as they age: 1. Isolation driven by car culture. 2. Un-walkable communities outside cities. 3. Media driven self absorption vitiating real world interaction. 4. Political and social siloing as a result of #3. “Bowling Alone” by Putnam was prescient by did not offer any realistic solutions.

pm90 7y ago
The solutions are to build mixed use, walkable communities. If you've ever been to Austin, Texas, check out the Muller development (for example).
clarry 7y ago
I disagree with the first two factors, as a European. I live in a city where people walk and cycle a lot, but that does nothing for loneliness. No, seeing random strangers on the street is not a substitute for a meaningful relationships, and no, these random strangers you see do not make friends either. Factor three is probably a major one in all countries where people are spending time staring at screens instead of interacting with each other. Factor #4 doesn't really show up much in my corner of Europe.
- rimliu 7y ago
  I think this is where US culture and European culture differs a lot. For some reason, in US everyone needs to interact with anyone who stays longer than two seconds in close enough proximity. I am so thankful this is not a case in Europe (at least where I am) — for an introvert hating chit-chat it gets annoying really fast.
lucaspottersky 7y ago
https://youtu.be/mRtMfF131Kk?t=332 https://youtu.be/mRtMfF131Kk?t=332
rimliu 7y ago

brightball 7y ago

Loneliness works as a motivator. The point where you get tired of being lonely is the point where you actually try to fix it. That can mean working to improve yourself and your social skills. It can mean joining local groups to meet people, make friends and do good work. I watch people who are older than me and I see so many more habits that lead to consistently strong social lives. Golf is huge. Guys who join a club and go play once or twice a week, then hang out together afterwards. I don’t play but the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve respected the benefits. Church is another. Easy to get involved, totally free. Family is another and one that I think causes the biggest loneliness issue because so many people move away for work these days. So many people I know who are older have most of their family in one city and get together constantly. I’m sure there’s more, but the short of it is: use loneliness as a motivator to decide you aren’t going to be lonely anymore and find ways to fix the problem. It might been a combination of self improvement, forced courage or effort but you can do it.

andykx 7y ago
I am not lonely. I'm lucky enough to have had the same group of close friends since we were like, 5 years old, a girlfriend, and family about 35 minutes away. That being said, we live in a relatively rural place and I see a lot of people struggle with loneliness. It's not as simple as "joining a group" when there aren't any around. Maybe you could go to a bar, but the people at the bar are mostly older townies (we're mid-20s to early-30s). Plus, going to bars is less fun when you have to think about driving home. They could go to church, but most people around my age aren't religious, and the few people who do go to Church around here tend to live very faith-focused lives. I guess the ultimate solution is to leave their hometowns. I've pushed several of them to go back to school as a method of getting out of their situations and meeting people, and it's honestly been kind of successful. We live in NY, so school is free if you meet certain economic requirements. It's been great to see them flourish.
- brightball 7y ago
  Usually there’s some type of local organization, but I guess that depends on how rural we’re talking. Even a rotary club or something similar. There’s usually a charity organization of some sort.

deleted 7y ago

[deleted]

apatters 7y ago

The article makes a good effort to identify the root causes of loneliness and provide solutions, but it misses the mark a bit. Loneliness is an involuntary reaction that arises from a lack of meaningful social connections. Here a meaningful connection is defined as one where there is a mutual sense that you can confide in each other, you understand each other, and you would be there to support each other through difficult situations large and small. You can have hundreds of social connections but if they don't have these properties, they're of limited utility in combating loneliness. This is why even in a city where it's easy to meet people, loneliness is still a common ailment. This is why celebrities adored by millions can still be so lonely that they end their lives. It's difficult though not impossible to develop meaningful connections during adulthood. It takes years of contact and requires social or environmental conditions that may not be easy to find. So historically, the #1 source of them has been family (though not everyone is born into a family which supports and encourages them, and the prevalence of such healthy families is decreasing). The loneliness epidemic in modern times is thus attributable in great part to the erosion of family units and other early age relationships. What makes it difficult to solve is that there were a number of grievances with that model which the liberal, individualist project intended to address, such as the oppression of women who were economically dependent on their husbands, and the way in which tightly knit families often stifled self-expression. The modern system in which all adults are workers and consumers also supports the interests of capital (more workers equals cheaper labor, more consumers means bigger markets, together you get record growth). No one really wants to roll back the progress that the liberal project achieved, but the side effects are ravaging society. The colloquial solution is Friendsgiving dinner--let's still do all the things people used to do with their families, but do it with our friends. However it misses the point that meaningful relationships must be developed over years of regular contact, mutual trust, and even sacrifice--not impossible, certainly worth attempting, but hard to do reliably in adulthood with people who may develop divergent interests over time (for example, starting their own families). Therefore it is unlikely to be a systemic solution. I have no systemic solution to propose.

blablabla123 7y ago
> Loneliness is an involuntary reaction that arises from a lack of meaningful social connections. If you have these meaningful social connections and you can talk with them about stuff that really matters to you, that's great. However if you cannot do any fun activities together, that can also provoke a sense of loneliness. Ideally the full package is available, including a satisfying job and all that but maybe that's just unrealistic ;)

5847f6da7bfeb7 7y ago

> Open your phone or WhatsApp contacts, scroll them and check who are those friends, relations or family you want to meet. Now plan for 2-3 meetings weekly, until your loneliness feeling goes away. This is what triggers me A LOT. When I open my contacts, there are literally only four. One of them is my mother and the other three are therapists. I don't know how to deal with that. Even if I want to I am not really able to find people to do something with like going out to a bar or whatever. I just don't have anybody to talk to. Also, since I don't have a Smartphone, nor Facebook, Google or whatever account, it is even harder to get into contact with people. No, i won't make a google or facebook account.

kerkeslager 7y ago
> Even if I want to I am not really able to find people to do something with like going out to a bar or whatever. How did you come to this conclusion? It seems like part of the problem is you're just jumping straight to "going to hang out at a bar" when that's generally something people do when they're already friends. That happens when you already know each other, have shared interests, etc. Sure, there are people who go to bars and meet people, but when that works, it just means your shared interest is drinking... which can be okay, but isn't the right fit for a lot of people. Is there something you're interested in? Go take a class in that. Not interested anything? Try martial arts, dance, something that gets you moving and interacting with people. Literally people are literally paying to come hang out with you at those places. You're not the only lonely one out there. Find the others!
- 5847f6da7bfeb7 7y ago
  I am interested in programming and riding my mountainbike through the woods. While the latter is pretty dangerous and i really should find someone to do it together with - just for safety purposes - I have a hard time going somewhere where i could get to know people. And if I do, I usually keep myself from getting them to know any better than the usual 'hi, how are you?'
  - amwelles 7y ago

jakeogh 7y ago

Find a gym, go. If you dont like it, find another. Keep going. 3x/week. Forever. Be humble, be curious, be friendly. Start every gym session by running. If you cant run, jog. If you cant jog, walk. Exercize is _by far_ the most useful thing you can do for yourself. Other problems (like being lonely) become easier to fix or just fix themselves.

Cougher 7y ago
Exercise can be extremely beneficial. It can even be a diversion away from the pain of social isolation. I don't understand the odd stipulation of starting every gym session in any particular way.
- richthegeek 7y ago
  For me a 5-10m jog at medium pace is a good way to warm up. Don't get tired, barely get out of breath, just stretch your muscles and get your body ready for the rest of the session. If you prefer to stretch then do that instead :)
  - Cougher 7y ago
    I prefer neither. That's my point: one of the beauties of exercise is that there are so many ways to approach it. One of the most important keys to a sustainable exercise program is tailoring it to what works for the person doing it, not what works for other people. A person is far more likely to do what they enjoy doing rather than forcing themselves to do what other people enjoy doing.
    - richthegeek 7y ago
      I've done the whole "no stretching" thing before weightlifting when I was younger. It's led to injury every time, and that injury leads to 3-month breeaks. Trading 10 minutes per session for a greatly increased chance of sticking with it indefinitely is the choice I make. If you're lucky enough to not need stretching, or you do something like yoga so as to be pretty limber all the time, more power to you!

maxheadroom 7y ago

In an ever-connected world, it's entirely plausible for you to die alone and for no one to have seemingly cared.[0] [0] - https://www.oddee.com/item_98735.aspx https://www.oddee.com/item_98735.aspx

jayonsoftware 7y ago

Lookup groups on Meetup.com, when I first moved to a new city, did not know anyone, started going to meetup.com, then I started my own meetup group. Lot of work, but have built a good list of good friends. Making and maintaining friends is work, you need to put time into it. No one comes out of the blue and want to be your friend (well unless you are rich or hot)...but I know many hot/rich people who are lonely too.

alicorn 7y ago

During the first 30 or so years of my life I actively strained to have a happy family, wide social circle and all the associated social trappings. The amount of money, energy and time I plowed into this was incredible, and, in retrospect, I was often taken advantage of due to my almost desperate need to belong. From the outside I was a picture of social success, especially given that I had recently moved countries and started from scratch in the middle of nowhere. But you see, it is easy to completely lose ones own identity if one values themselves from the mirror of the expectations of others, or, even worse, their expectations regarding others' expectations of themselves. At some especially dark night of my soul I was forced to admit that I had no idea who _I_ was. Everything I did was, essentially, facade building, and behind that facade there was emptiness, and a fair bit of chaos as well. So sometime around 35 I gave up. I cut out my toxic parents from my life, stopped pursuing romantic relationships ot of fear of being alone, stopped collecting 'cool' acquaintances in real life and on Facebook and focused instead on two things: - building quality relationships with those few humans whom I loved, respected and who truly reciprocated in kind, - discovering myself and building a stable foundation to become fully me. I also got a dog, not because I am a dog person, but because I figured out that I have been looking for unconditional approval no human can actually give, but dogs, from what I read, can, and do all the time. This proved to be the right decision and has helped me a lot to become my own person. It was, and still is, an adventure. I have discovered many new things I enjoy and discarded equally many I only partook because it was a way to please, finally stabilised my finances and career, acquired tons of knowledge, read hundreds of sci-fi and fantasy books, developed my own style, decorated my home entirely to my taste and, perhaps most surprisingly for anyone who knows me, taken up triathlon which I enjoy so much. It is both expensive and time-consuming, but, at last, all that time, money and energy goes to myself, forming a positive feedback loop. My social interactions are a lot fewer and my circle of acquaintances a lot smaller these days, but each and every one of them is cherished. My life is busy enough now that both additional social interactions and romantic pursuits perforce are subjected to a sort of cost-benefit analysis - will this activity help me grow as a person more than the one I will be skipping out on instead? My main insight from this process is that it seems that we in general expect someone else to provide for us the feeling of safety, companionship and happiness that we are fully capable of giving to ourselves. It is so much easier to blame others for our own misery - it requires no effort and gives a temporary relief from pain, transforming it into anger. Empowerment starts when, instead of hoisting it off to others we can not control, but can endlessly blame, we fully take responsibility for making ourselves happy, content and safe. The 'unconditional positive regard' [1] is something we can give ourselves if only we allow ourselves to do so, and in so doing, heal and become whole in a way that nobody else can do for us. Similarly to @pmoriarty, holidays which are traditional to be spent with ones family can still be tough for me sometimes. But just this last Christmas (which I spent entirely by myself) I came to conclusion that my main source of sadness is not the fact that I am alone. I do not like large gatherings of people, I do not enjoy most of the traditions around the holiday and I am bored by inane conversations which are part and parcel of gatherings of people who have not seen each other for a while and do not even know each other all that well anymore. No, the sadness is due to the feeling that I am missing out on something that everyone else has, which society has conditioned me to believe is the only way to be happy at this particular date and time, with the associated feelings of unfairness, jealousy and self-pity. Once I got past that, I realised that I have the freedom to choose what _I_ want to do with the evening that will make _me_ happy, most likely a lot happier than any alternatives any other humans could provide. So I took home delicious food and spent the night being cosy and reflecting on the past year and making plans for the next one. So to conclude, “there are infinitely many kinds of beautiful lives” [2]. It takes courage and a fair bit of work to find yours, but it is worth it. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unconditional_positive_regard https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unconditional_positive_regard [2] https://www.brainpickings.org/2018/11/01/figuring/ https://www.brainpickings.org/2018/11/01/figuring/

clarry 7y ago

Am I reading this writeup wrong? Because to me it reads like "oh you're lonely? deal with it, or just make friends!" which isn't very helpful. It's more like a well-intentioned spitting in the face of everyone who is lonely and repeatedly tried and failed to make meaningful relationships.

el_cujo 7y ago
>"oh you're lonely? deal with it, or just make friends!" No, it's much worse, it's telling you to just hang out more with all of those friends you already have.

Timpy 7y ago

I joined a salsa class about 9 months ago and my life has changed drastically because of it. Salsa is a partner dance, so improving my skills gave me the confidence to be more social. Since the salsa scene in my town is modestly sized the kind of people that join seem to be "interested in seeking new experiences" kinds of people. Lots of world languages are represented, and there seems to be a disproportionately high amount of Masters and PHDs in the group. For me the best part is that everyone seems genuinely interested in improving themselves. I don't think this is a panacea (can there be one for solving loneliness?) but some might find it a good idea so I wanted to share.

codebolt 7y ago

I had several years of my twenties where I was a real loner, and while I enjoy having time to myself, I've found that chronic prolonged loneliness is very detrimental to my psyche, to the point where I get mentally ill. It may seem hopeless, but it's certainly possible to change your circumstance if you're willing to put in a persistent effort. At the risk of cliche, if I was to give my younger self a few self help pointers, a short list would be: - Turn to Christ in prayer. - Quit porn. - Be healthy. - Go on 1000 awkward dates until your anxiety is beat into the mud, and your social skills have leveled up a few times. You will find love on date 1001. Score dates on online dating sites. Look for sites that aren't just for adolescents looking for flings. If you're struggling to even get dates, buy a nice shirt, get a haircut and take some headshots with a professional photographer. If you're willing to grind it out using these principles, your odds should be pretty good for turning your life around. I say this as a married father of three who hardly has a minute to himself anymore, who was a hopeless 'forever alone' case only a decade ago.

puhi 7y ago
"Turn to Christ in prayer" like what? If you do that and 'Christ' is your mental anchor point, you will never be mentally free. You will get stuck. You can easily find social interactions without blocking your thinking like that. Also 'Quit porn'? How much porn did you consume on a daily basis that you really think this is in any way relevant? My short list would be more like: work on yourself; put yourself out there -> rinse and repeat.
- deleted 7y ago
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- xwowsersx 7y ago
  The advantage of OPs list, whether you agree with the particulars or not, is that they are concrete, whereas your list contains vague and unquantifiable things ("work on yourself", "put yourself out there").
- slothtrop 7y ago
  In the public discourse the possibility of there being an unhealthy level of porn consumption is fairly recent, despite it being pretty accessible for many years. Some consumers are more prone to addiction than others, not just consuming daily but binging at that. Simply recognizing the potential for addiction and aiming to avoid overconsumption is more helpful than recognizing no problem at all, even if we don't choose to eschew porn altogether. Terry Crews has spoken about his trouble with it at length, and posted videos about it. Though I'm not sure to what extent his issue could be attributed to his wife having zero tolerance for his consumption.

thanatropism 7y ago

This is a weird thread, full of personal solutions. There is no instruction manual for life.

Pamar 7y ago

Allow me to "pimp" an old contribution of mine on this topic: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=17794060 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=17794060

maerF0x0 7y ago

> When your best friend comes to you and shares how he or she is feeling. How would you react? I believe – you will have a listening ear for them, feel their pain, care for them and support them. many lonely people reading this wont know because they dont have a best friend.

dot1x 7y ago
the author doesn't seem to realize the irony

rakefire 7y ago

Every time I get lonely I want to adopt a puppy. Then I struggle with the thought of my incapability to make him happy because of my lifestyle (I don't have my own house and move frequently)... Of course I feel even more miserable than before when my sadness was caused by my loneliness. This happens at least once a month.

power78 7y ago
Why not go to the local pound and taking the dogs on a walk? That way you can feel the satisfaction of providing happiness to less-fortunate animals and not have to worry about owning one.

gura 7y ago

Your last paragraph basically translates to me to 'doesnt matter what I believe there was an open woman who took me when I hadn't had a chance otherwise.' Sure why not.

manojsurya 7y ago

Guys, this is amazing. I wasn't expecting lots of comments and discussions. I had a long day and crashing right now. I will read comments here and will try to reply to my best effort to most of your thoughts. Got more than 7000 unique users from here. Thank you. Hope you liked the article :)

bubba1236 7y ago

I think the problem is family. Western people are astoundingly cold with their families.

hosh 7y ago

There's a distinction between loneliness and solitude. I've been looking at this from a perspective that is more relatable to psychonauts. I think the "social connection" is just the superficial aspect of loneliness. I think more fundamentally, this is about alienation, of which loneliness is one of ways it comes out. I have met people who created the appearance of social connections -- idealized lives on Facebook, instagram, etc. and they feel very much isolated and alone. They feel that way because they still feel alienated, that they cannot be who they truly feel.

codebolt 7y ago
As long as you choose to live within a society, you're going to run into a lot of trouble if you try to just ignore everyone else and only structure your life around your own imagination (double so if your imagination has been bastardized by drugs).