Despite my diligent stretching exercises, I've made scant progress towards my goal of having flying monkeys exit my anus, which I estimate having an equivalent

Despite my diligent stretching exercises, I've made scant progress towards my goal of having flying monkeys exit my anus, which I estimate having an equivalent likelihood as an "ice-free" arctic. The only way of successfully having an 'ice-free' arctic is redefining the terms, "ice-free" or "arctic" both of which are essentially marketing terms in the first place and relatively malleable. So, it's back to my exercises...