3 ms·

There's not much to add to this. It's true.

jpitz 7y ago
It rings very true to me, but I think there is much, much more. How do you consistently say no without appearing oppositional?
- rakoo 7y ago
  As a French, "no" comes easily. I'll try to explain what I believe when I say no. I think the important thing is that it must be clear why you say no, which means explaining your reasons so that others either agree with you, or chose to camp on their decision while knowing fully that it's just an opinion and not a fact. "No" is a recap of your thinking, so you need to lay out all the work that led you to this conclusion. When people understand it's not about them, they might not take it as personally and take a step back. It's even better to be constructive (because "no" shouldn't mean "I don't like you" but "this is not the best way"). A method I've learned about is the "Yes! No. Yes?" (https://www.fastcompany.com/3026980/yes-no-yes-how-to-turn-someone-down-without-ruining-your-relationship https://www.fastcompany.com/3026980/yes-no-yes-how-to-turn-s...). The idea is basically what I said above: make the other person understand that the exact thing you're talking about is not possible, but that doesn't mean you reject them as a person and you're not open to change. You're closing a door but you're not barricading the house.
- AnimalMuppet 7y ago
  Sun Microsystems had a saying: "All the wood behind one arrow". You can say no just because you oppose everything. That's oppositional. Or you can say no to almost everything, because you think that all the focus should be on one thing, and you're trying to keep people from chasing after a bunch of distractions. That's not being oppositional, that's keeping focus.
  - rramadass 7y ago
    Well said! But the difficulty lies in convincing people that you are in the latter and not in the former group :-)
    - AnimalMuppet 7y ago
      Sure. But having a focus, and pointing out the focus as the reason to say no to things that are outside the focus, might help convince people. (Or they may decide that the focus is a smokescreen, and you're just a negative person...)
- GrumpyYoungMan 7y ago
  > "How do you consistently say no without appearing oppositional?" A flat "no" comes across as oppositional. On the other hand, "Well, that depends..." followed by an analysis of options and possible roadblocks (this is where the "no" is subtly injected), that's construed as thoughtful and methodical. I would even venture to say that "It depends" is the only correct answer for an engineer to give to any question.
  - intrepidhero 7y ago
    Right! Knowing what "it depends" on is the essence of engineering.

It rings very true to me, but I think there is much, much more. How do you consistently say no without appearing oppositional?

rakoo 7y ago
As a French, "no" comes easily. I'll try to explain what I believe when I say no. I think the important thing is that it must be clear why you say no, which means explaining your reasons so that others either agree with you, or chose to camp on their decision while knowing fully that it's just an opinion and not a fact. "No" is a recap of your thinking, so you need to lay out all the work that led you to this conclusion. When people understand it's not about them, they might not take it as personally and take a step back. It's even better to be constructive (because "no" shouldn't mean "I don't like you" but "this is not the best way"). A method I've learned about is the "Yes! No. Yes?" (https://www.fastcompany.com/3026980/yes-no-yes-how-to-turn-someone-down-without-ruining-your-relationship https://www.fastcompany.com/3026980/yes-no-yes-how-to-turn-s...). The idea is basically what I said above: make the other person understand that the exact thing you're talking about is not possible, but that doesn't mean you reject them as a person and you're not open to change. You're closing a door but you're not barricading the house.
AnimalMuppet 7y ago
Sun Microsystems had a saying: "All the wood behind one arrow". You can say no just because you oppose everything. That's oppositional. Or you can say no to almost everything, because you think that all the focus should be on one thing, and you're trying to keep people from chasing after a bunch of distractions. That's not being oppositional, that's keeping focus.
- rramadass 7y ago
  Well said! But the difficulty lies in convincing people that you are in the latter and not in the former group :-)
  - AnimalMuppet 7y ago
    Sure. But having a focus, and pointing out the focus as the reason to say no to things that are outside the focus, might help convince people. (Or they may decide that the focus is a smokescreen, and you're just a negative person...)
GrumpyYoungMan 7y ago
> "How do you consistently say no without appearing oppositional?" A flat "no" comes across as oppositional. On the other hand, "Well, that depends..." followed by an analysis of options and possible roadblocks (this is where the "no" is subtly injected), that's construed as thoughtful and methodical. I would even venture to say that "It depends" is the only correct answer for an engineer to give to any question.
- intrepidhero 7y ago
  Right! Knowing what "it depends" on is the essence of engineering.