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Some personal advice: stop viewing your interactions in this transactional way and just be yourself. Stop giving a shit who reveals what and the perceived balan

Some personal advice: stop viewing your interactions in this transactional way and just be yourself. Stop giving a shit who reveals what and the perceived balance or imbalance of the same. Be kind and be generous.

BurningFrog 7y ago
The value of "just being ourself" depends greatly on who you are...
- asveikau 7y ago
  If you are hung up on evaluating everyone's relative value, then maybe. But I think that goes counter to the advice.
throwawaypa123 7y ago
1. just be yourself 2. Be kind and be generous hmmmm? one does not follow 2
- mewpmewp2 7y ago
  Just pretend that you are being yourself. This should satisfy the person above as long as he does not find out.
- asveikau 7y ago
  I think you may underestimate how much human nature is more towards kindness and generosity. I think a lot of us have negative experiences in childhood and similar younger stages, and it causes us to be less kind, less generous as a sort of defense mechanism. When you realize that the defense mechanism isn't actually necessary, you realize there is more space for kindness, and maybe that is actually your authentic self beneath.
zrkrlc 7y ago
I know I don't sound like it, but I completely get where you're coming from. It's weird and rather sketchy to find out that someone you're talking to is just following rules in their head. It's just that for people like me, conversations are not primitive actions. We need an explicit mental model to anchor ourselves, and while that doesn't excuse predatory behaviour, models are still just tools at the end of the day and some people need them to be seen as "normal".
- asveikau 7y ago
  Thanks for such a thoughtful reply. Good luck to you.
vanniv 7y ago
If I were to "just be myself" at work, I would be fired very quickly -- because my self is outside the narrow little band of what is "approved of" in my workplace. Every conversation of a sensitive nature is an opportunity for disaster if not treated with the utmost care not to be "found out"
- loopz 7y ago
  Doesn't this depend on decency of the people?
  - kqr 7y ago
    No. Being an asshole -- regardless of reason -- is terrible for the team, no matter how decent they are. Making an effort to conform to social norms of politeness goes a long, long way. Don't get me wrong; feel free to upset people, but they should be upset about the factual content of the message, not the delivery!
    - homonculus1 7y ago
      I don't know why you assume being an asshole is the trait your GP doesn't want to reveal. Any number of innocuous interests could hurt your reputation in different circles: hunting, being gay, watching anime, practicing (a different/any/no) religion. "What did you do this weekend" is a loaded question if you're a cultural outlier at your workplace. Even decent people often have personal biases that lead to awkwardness and friction.
      - vanniv 7y ago
        Thanks for being the only person to assume that I am an outlier in some way other than by being an asshole! I don't know why everyone assumes that "different" has to be "asshole" If anything, "asshole-ish" would be a part of "self" that is allowed to be expressed at work, so long as it is in limited doses
        7y ago
apatters 7y ago
Some people's brains are wired differently and they are not able to approach relationships in the way that you consider normal. I would submit that usually there is no malice in their analysis and in fact it's very hard to be one of those people because most "normies" will never get you.
pjc50 7y ago
"Just be yourself" is terrible advice to people to whom this stuff does not come naturally. Especially at work, hardly anyone brings their "true self" to work and it was very apparent in the threads on Google that a lot of people thought that those bringing their whole selves to work were idiots who should be fired.
scarejunba 7y ago
This advice is, in my experience, a low quality action item. I saw incredible progress in my life when I modeled the interactions. You can model interactions as information exchange, etc. and you can also model out the increased value of maintaining repeated interactions. It’s just another way of learning a skill: good human interactions. Be yourself / don’t model / etc. works for those who are able to take this analogy to children learning language (in a natural way) vs. learning language by studying grammar and vocabulary systematically. The former is desirable because it’s speedy, you grow the skills you use most (so it reinforces the right things) but sometimes it’s just not available. That can happen just because you suck at it. There are very limited ways other people’s lives are better than mine (as an existence proof) and I used to model interactions. I stopped when my skill reached unconscious competence.
- asveikau 7y ago
  The problem is that the over-analysis is a form of stress. As is worrying about your own poor skills. In the ideal case, you don't care about either thing. I know sometimes it's easier said than done. But I've definitely found stress reduction in the past when I stop caring about some of this.
- ineedasername 7y ago
  And the thing about "children learning language" is that all sorts of bad habits are often picked up that don't conform to standard grammar, not to mention following rules without really understanding why they're there or what they do. Social rules are even less concrete, meaning that learning the amorphous set of unwritten rules, guidelines, best practices, etc.,through analysis more than osmosis may let you know when it's okay to bend or break one.
  - asveikau 7y ago
    There is not really such thing as a bad habit in language. If you are understood by others, that is the grammar of the language. Full stop.
    - 7y ago

BurningFrog 7y ago

The value of "just being ourself" depends greatly on who you are...

asveikau 7y ago
If you are hung up on evaluating everyone's relative value, then maybe. But I think that goes counter to the advice.

throwawaypa123 7y ago

1. just be yourself 2. Be kind and be generous hmmmm? one does not follow 2

mewpmewp2 7y ago
Just pretend that you are being yourself. This should satisfy the person above as long as he does not find out.
asveikau 7y ago
I think you may underestimate how much human nature is more towards kindness and generosity. I think a lot of us have negative experiences in childhood and similar younger stages, and it causes us to be less kind, less generous as a sort of defense mechanism. When you realize that the defense mechanism isn't actually necessary, you realize there is more space for kindness, and maybe that is actually your authentic self beneath.

zrkrlc 7y ago

I know I don't sound like it, but I completely get where you're coming from. It's weird and rather sketchy to find out that someone you're talking to is just following rules in their head. It's just that for people like me, conversations are not primitive actions. We need an explicit mental model to anchor ourselves, and while that doesn't excuse predatory behaviour, models are still just tools at the end of the day and some people need them to be seen as "normal".

asveikau 7y ago
Thanks for such a thoughtful reply. Good luck to you.

vanniv 7y ago

If I were to "just be myself" at work, I would be fired very quickly -- because my self is outside the narrow little band of what is "approved of" in my workplace. Every conversation of a sensitive nature is an opportunity for disaster if not treated with the utmost care not to be "found out"

loopz 7y ago
Doesn't this depend on decency of the people?
- kqr 7y ago
  No. Being an asshole -- regardless of reason -- is terrible for the team, no matter how decent they are. Making an effort to conform to social norms of politeness goes a long, long way. Don't get me wrong; feel free to upset people, but they should be upset about the factual content of the message, not the delivery!
  - homonculus1 7y ago
    I don't know why you assume being an asshole is the trait your GP doesn't want to reveal. Any number of innocuous interests could hurt your reputation in different circles: hunting, being gay, watching anime, practicing (a different/any/no) religion. "What did you do this weekend" is a loaded question if you're a cultural outlier at your workplace. Even decent people often have personal biases that lead to awkwardness and friction.
    - vanniv 7y ago
      Thanks for being the only person to assume that I am an outlier in some way other than by being an asshole! I don't know why everyone assumes that "different" has to be "asshole" If anything, "asshole-ish" would be a part of "self" that is allowed to be expressed at work, so long as it is in limited doses
      - 7y ago

apatters 7y ago

Some people's brains are wired differently and they are not able to approach relationships in the way that you consider normal. I would submit that usually there is no malice in their analysis and in fact it's very hard to be one of those people because most "normies" will never get you.

pjc50 7y ago

"Just be yourself" is terrible advice to people to whom this stuff does not come naturally. Especially at work, hardly anyone brings their "true self" to work and it was very apparent in the threads on Google that a lot of people thought that those bringing their whole selves to work were idiots who should be fired.

scarejunba 7y ago

This advice is, in my experience, a low quality action item. I saw incredible progress in my life when I modeled the interactions. You can model interactions as information exchange, etc. and you can also model out the increased value of maintaining repeated interactions. It’s just another way of learning a skill: good human interactions. Be yourself / don’t model / etc. works for those who are able to take this analogy to children learning language (in a natural way) vs. learning language by studying grammar and vocabulary systematically. The former is desirable because it’s speedy, you grow the skills you use most (so it reinforces the right things) but sometimes it’s just not available. That can happen just because you suck at it. There are very limited ways other people’s lives are better than mine (as an existence proof) and I used to model interactions. I stopped when my skill reached unconscious competence.

asveikau 7y ago
The problem is that the over-analysis is a form of stress. As is worrying about your own poor skills. In the ideal case, you don't care about either thing. I know sometimes it's easier said than done. But I've definitely found stress reduction in the past when I stop caring about some of this.
ineedasername 7y ago
And the thing about "children learning language" is that all sorts of bad habits are often picked up that don't conform to standard grammar, not to mention following rules without really understanding why they're there or what they do. Social rules are even less concrete, meaning that learning the amorphous set of unwritten rules, guidelines, best practices, etc.,through analysis more than osmosis may let you know when it's okay to bend or break one.
- asveikau 7y ago
  There is not really such thing as a bad habit in language. If you are understood by others, that is the grammar of the language. Full stop.
  - 7y ago