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One clear change that happened with me, once having a child -- is that I understood my Dad much more. I understood what made him upset, and I understood how he

One clear change that happened with me, once having a child -- is that I understood my Dad much more. I understood what made him upset, and I understood how he reacted and why... I started showing same behavioral traits as him. But it was only after I had our first child. Stuff that I took for granted when my Dad was doing it, now I understood, was actually meant to take an effort, on behalf of a parent. Unfortunately, my Dad passed away weeks after my first child was born. It felt like the 'nature' decided to make a replacement.... and exchange the life of my still young dad, to our first child... So I did not have the time to express back to him, my gratitude, my newly found understand of his sacrifices to make his children happy & confident, and, at the same time, isolated from bad/unfair stuff.... Therefore, my advice is, do not repeat my mistake. Show your parents, while they are alive -- that you understand their sacrifice, and you are prepared to do the same for your children....

throwawaypa123 7y ago
That's my concern, I never want to become my father given my own painful upbringing. Even further, I worry that if i ever have kids i'd have to distance myself from parents as I do not approve on how they live or manage their lives. As their child i can manage via effective boundaries and I'm able to ignore their stupidity. If i ever have kids though, they will want to be part of their lives and I can't really say no and keep their delusions alive. They think they did a good job raising me and they would use that as an argument and I would never want to enlighten them with what i really feel. i wouldn't want them parenting my kids like they did me they love/loved me but love isn't enough. i do care deeply for them, but i do not respect their judgement.
- 75dvtwin 7y ago
  I understand that. I was lucky having dedicated parents, that were willing to sacrifice their own ambitions, and take risks that would clearly be more beneficial to me, rather than to them. Others, might not have been so lucky. For me, caring about my own children's health/well-being/future was bit eye opening, in the sense that I was a lot more egoistic, before becoming a parent. I also think that recognition improved my spousal relationship. And that's what I wanted to tell my Dad... but I missed that opportunity... There is a lot of materials out there about family dynamics that get passed through generations. [1] It is exceptionally difficult for an individual to recognize negative traits that must be filtered out, if he/she is to have a more normal relationships with their spouse and their children. Most families have traits, that overtime, should be filtered out. But not forgotten. Significant portion of my parent's upbringing was dictated that their parents went through (physical torture, captivity, war, loosing loved ones, loosing first families during war, real famine, property taken away, ridicule and persecution at work and otherwise, for their ethnic background and so on ). My parents, filtered out lot of the family dynamics that was passed on to them due to the above. But we did not forget what my grand parents went through.. And just like my parents, I do not excuse my own actions by saying 'well, my parents that that to me...' or anything like that. It is a conscious act, not 'natural' (at least not for me), and I work on it with my spouse, recognizing that there is nothing wrong in improving what we learnt in our upbringing. [1] https://blogs.psychcentral.com/family/2012/03/family-dynamics-passed-through-the-generations/ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/family/2012/03/family-dynamic...

throwawaypa123 7y ago

That's my concern, I never want to become my father given my own painful upbringing. Even further, I worry that if i ever have kids i'd have to distance myself from parents as I do not approve on how they live or manage their lives. As their child i can manage via effective boundaries and I'm able to ignore their stupidity. If i ever have kids though, they will want to be part of their lives and I can't really say no and keep their delusions alive. They think they did a good job raising me and they would use that as an argument and I would never want to enlighten them with what i really feel. i wouldn't want them parenting my kids like they did me they love/loved me but love isn't enough. i do care deeply for them, but i do not respect their judgement.

75dvtwin 7y ago
I understand that. I was lucky having dedicated parents, that were willing to sacrifice their own ambitions, and take risks that would clearly be more beneficial to me, rather than to them. Others, might not have been so lucky. For me, caring about my own children's health/well-being/future was bit eye opening, in the sense that I was a lot more egoistic, before becoming a parent. I also think that recognition improved my spousal relationship. And that's what I wanted to tell my Dad... but I missed that opportunity... There is a lot of materials out there about family dynamics that get passed through generations. [1] It is exceptionally difficult for an individual to recognize negative traits that must be filtered out, if he/she is to have a more normal relationships with their spouse and their children. Most families have traits, that overtime, should be filtered out. But not forgotten. Significant portion of my parent's upbringing was dictated that their parents went through (physical torture, captivity, war, loosing loved ones, loosing first families during war, real famine, property taken away, ridicule and persecution at work and otherwise, for their ethnic background and so on ). My parents, filtered out lot of the family dynamics that was passed on to them due to the above. But we did not forget what my grand parents went through.. And just like my parents, I do not excuse my own actions by saying 'well, my parents that that to me...' or anything like that. It is a conscious act, not 'natural' (at least not for me), and I work on it with my spouse, recognizing that there is nothing wrong in improving what we learnt in our upbringing. [1] https://blogs.psychcentral.com/family/2012/03/family-dynamics-passed-through-the-generations/ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/family/2012/03/family-dynamic...