7 ms·

Nope, mutual attraction is what couples need. People invent unsolvable problems in their relationship when they lose attraction.

malcolmwhite 7y ago
To love someone only so long as their looks attract you is to love them very weakly.
- Godel_unicode 7y ago
  To assume that attraction is purely physical is to have a very shallow understanding of attraction.
  - asdfasgasdgasdg 7y ago
    If the definition of attraction is to be read to encompass everything that makes you like a person, doesn't it make the original statement vacuous? "Liking each other is what helps couples stay together?" I suppose it's true that few couples ever got divorced who wanted to be together. But it doesn't tell us anything.
  - malcolmwhite 7y ago
    The first definition I see for attraction is "pleasing to the senses" and the second is "sexually alluring." If OP meant something more than physical, then "attraction" was a misleading word choice. Even with your definition of attraction, attraction-based love is fundamentally self-serving, and those who practice it rob themselves of the beauty of blind commitment in loving relationships.
bigred100 7y ago
If I believed this were the case I’d be single for life.
- closeparen 7y ago
  What would it even mean to have a romantic relationship without attraction? Why do people bother dating if it’s sufficient to move in with a friend? How do we explain people who already live with close friends and are also out seeking romantic partners? What marginal benefit could they be looking for? Why limit the search according to gender, if attraction is not essential?
  - bigred100 7y ago
    We’re not compatible.
anon4242 7y ago
Nope, this is silly. Mutual attraction is what leads you to become couples in the first place. The physical part of attraction is what leads you to notice the other person and then building an emotional bond with each other will increase the attraction. So attraction is a symptom not a cause. Like any emotion attraction comes and goes. IMHO believing this folly is what leads to so many people breaking up when they could be very happy together and why so many people are lonely these days. My own experience after 15 years of marriage is that attraction comes and goes for both me and my wife. But by not doing anything rash when that happens we have both discovered that it also comes back. Sure the first few times it happened it was quite scary, but then we've found a rhythm with the ebbs and floods.
- dnissley 7y ago
  To be fair there are a lot of very unhappy coupled folks out there as well stuck with essentially the opposite problem: the attraction has left the building and hasn't been there for a very long time and waiting for it to come back is likely an exercise in futility. See r/deadbedrooms etc.
  - anon4242 7y ago
    Well, rereading what I wrote I was maybe not so clear on that. If you are just waiting for the attraction to come back, chances are that it doesn't, even though it certainly could. It all depends on the reason that attraction disappears. Sometimes it's related to the things you do and sometimes it isn't. The key, I believe, is to always try to be a better spouse than you were a year ago, or even a month ago. But that of course presupposes that there exist mutual trust and respect between you. It won't work if only one part is trying to be a better self for the other.
- cuspycode 7y ago
  This is my experience too. Sexual attraction brings you together. This may lead to love, if the circumstances are favorable. And then you can choose to make the effort to nurture that relationship, or not.
- viburnum 7y ago
docbrown 7y ago
Shared trauma, childhood upbringing, and many other factors have a much higher correlation to successful relationships than merely attraction. Attachment Theory attempts to explain why certain relationships are better than others which is dependent on how secure or insecure each partner is with regard to attachment. For example, if both parties are classified as having “secure attachment”, they may feel distress when their partner leaves them for say a long work trip but they’re able to compose themselves and control those worries. That sort of relationship would be said to have a higher chance of survival than two partners who are both “anxious-ambivalent attached” because in this case, the parties would instead have strong fear or worry of rejection by their partner, higher dependency on each other, and less likely to be comfortable being alone. None of those elements rest solely on the basis of attraction. This type of behavior stems from being a witness to conflicting figures in their life (e.g. divorced parents, unsafe family habitat, etc.)
- viburnum 7y ago
  Attachment theory is a played-out fad. Do some googling and see what people have to say about it now.
friendlybus 7y ago
Yes couples go to war with each other after it stops working. Therapy is often needed just to separate them.

malcolmwhite 7y ago

To love someone only so long as their looks attract you is to love them very weakly.

Godel_unicode 7y ago
To assume that attraction is purely physical is to have a very shallow understanding of attraction.
- asdfasgasdgasdg 7y ago
  If the definition of attraction is to be read to encompass everything that makes you like a person, doesn't it make the original statement vacuous? "Liking each other is what helps couples stay together?" I suppose it's true that few couples ever got divorced who wanted to be together. But it doesn't tell us anything.
- malcolmwhite 7y ago
  The first definition I see for attraction is "pleasing to the senses" and the second is "sexually alluring." If OP meant something more than physical, then "attraction" was a misleading word choice. Even with your definition of attraction, attraction-based love is fundamentally self-serving, and those who practice it rob themselves of the beauty of blind commitment in loving relationships.

bigred100 7y ago

If I believed this were the case I’d be single for life.

closeparen 7y ago
What would it even mean to have a romantic relationship without attraction? Why do people bother dating if it’s sufficient to move in with a friend? How do we explain people who already live with close friends and are also out seeking romantic partners? What marginal benefit could they be looking for? Why limit the search according to gender, if attraction is not essential?
- bigred100 7y ago
  We’re not compatible.

anon4242 7y ago

Nope, this is silly. Mutual attraction is what leads you to become couples in the first place. The physical part of attraction is what leads you to notice the other person and then building an emotional bond with each other will increase the attraction. So attraction is a symptom not a cause. Like any emotion attraction comes and goes. IMHO believing this folly is what leads to so many people breaking up when they could be very happy together and why so many people are lonely these days. My own experience after 15 years of marriage is that attraction comes and goes for both me and my wife. But by not doing anything rash when that happens we have both discovered that it also comes back. Sure the first few times it happened it was quite scary, but then we've found a rhythm with the ebbs and floods.

dnissley 7y ago
To be fair there are a lot of very unhappy coupled folks out there as well stuck with essentially the opposite problem: the attraction has left the building and hasn't been there for a very long time and waiting for it to come back is likely an exercise in futility. See r/deadbedrooms etc.
- anon4242 7y ago
  Well, rereading what I wrote I was maybe not so clear on that. If you are just waiting for the attraction to come back, chances are that it doesn't, even though it certainly could. It all depends on the reason that attraction disappears. Sometimes it's related to the things you do and sometimes it isn't. The key, I believe, is to always try to be a better spouse than you were a year ago, or even a month ago. But that of course presupposes that there exist mutual trust and respect between you. It won't work if only one part is trying to be a better self for the other.
cuspycode 7y ago
This is my experience too. Sexual attraction brings you together. This may lead to love, if the circumstances are favorable. And then you can choose to make the effort to nurture that relationship, or not.
viburnum 7y ago

docbrown 7y ago

Shared trauma, childhood upbringing, and many other factors have a much higher correlation to successful relationships than merely attraction. Attachment Theory attempts to explain why certain relationships are better than others which is dependent on how secure or insecure each partner is with regard to attachment. For example, if both parties are classified as having “secure attachment”, they may feel distress when their partner leaves them for say a long work trip but they’re able to compose themselves and control those worries. That sort of relationship would be said to have a higher chance of survival than two partners who are both “anxious-ambivalent attached” because in this case, the parties would instead have strong fear or worry of rejection by their partner, higher dependency on each other, and less likely to be comfortable being alone. None of those elements rest solely on the basis of attraction. This type of behavior stems from being a witness to conflicting figures in their life (e.g. divorced parents, unsafe family habitat, etc.)

viburnum 7y ago
Attachment theory is a played-out fad. Do some googling and see what people have to say about it now.

friendlybus 7y ago

Yes couples go to war with each other after it stops working. Therapy is often needed just to separate them.