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Are you seriously bullying lonely disabled men on a programming forum?

• frostburg 7y ago
  I don't see how I'm bullying him. I told him that he should not resign himself to being lonely due to his disability, because I think that his understandable distress about his issues might lead him to perceive his situation as bleaker that it is from that standpoint.
  • dang 7y ago
    Telling someone that their situation isn't how they think it is, unless you've taken the time first to establish a real connection with that person—one that they can feel—is likely to come across as a dismissal of their experience and a putdown. I'm sure your intention is to help, but this is a way to hurt rather than help. Bluntly firing facts at someone, assuming they are facts, is definitely not going to do it. The truer the information, the worse the effect: in order to shield themselves from the blow, they will defend against the truth, which moves them further away from a solution. If you want to help, the first question is how to create a felt connection with the other person, which will give them some reason to be open to what you're saying. That's not so easy to do on the internet, though maybe sometimes possible. Words like "I have significant sympathy for him" and "his understandable distress" aren't sufficient though.
• deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
• fsiefken 7y ago
  fwiw i don't see it either
• dang 7y ago
  "Please respond to the strongest plausible interpretation of what someone says, not a weaker one that's easier to criticize. Assume good faith." https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html