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How do you keep in touch with people, then? I've also cut out social media and started spending more time outside and around cities. And sure, I don't encounter

How do you keep in touch with people, then? I've also cut out social media and started spending more time outside and around cities. And sure, I don't encounter much frustration, outrage, or extreme dysphoria anymore. I also have lots of time to do and see exciting and fulfilling things, which I enjoy. But I can't share the experiences or talk to anyone about them. It seems like there's no way to meet people without social media, bevause a quick introduction or "hello" by someone outside of a pre-approved friends list is universally treated as an aggressive imposition these days, even in group settings where people ostensibly share interests. And none of my friends from when I had Facebook / etc were willing to stay in touch through other means. So this is obviously very anecdotal, but I still deal with crippling loneliness and will probably join the cohort that this study is looking at soon, since it's clear that there is no hope for any of this to change in the near future. But I can hardly blame other people or the media for "manufacturing" those feelings, so I'm not convinced that avoiding toxic screen time is going to be a workable solution for many people.

eric_b 7y ago
Well, I did most of my "meeting people" before I turned 30, when you have school and work pools to pull from. Now that I'm in my 30s I mostly just communicate with people I already know (though that is not strictly true, as I continue to meet new people all the time) I use text messages, phone calls and emails primarily. People I continue to keep in touch with are neighbors, family, high school buddies, college buddies, co-workers etc. And I meet new people at the gym, in local music meet ups, etc. I dunno where you live or who you're interacting with, but I have not had the experience you speak of.
- leggomylibro 7y ago
  Yeah - that's what I tend to hear from almost everyone. "I did all of my meeting people years ago." Well, I'm happy that that worked for you.
  - jackbravo 7y ago
    I don't remember having met someone meaningful in my life over social media only. Unless you count instant messaging. Yes, the usual places are school, university and work. Church and other similar voluntary-non-religious activities are great too. I also used to attend open source conferences regulary and have several meaningful friends from those conferences, and we keep in touch mainly through instant messaging, not through facebook or instagram. Does that count?
smabie 7y ago
Go to clubs, do drugs, etc. i’ve met tons of people at festivals or clubs or whatever. Another option is to talk to homeless people, almost all of them love talking to people. Being treated like trash constantly creates a deep sense of isolation. Moreover, talking to homeless people is really interesting, I’ve learned a lot from them. Some of the most memorable and impactful conversations I’ve ever had has been with the homeless. Also, volunteering or even just hanging out at shelters has been very interesting.
abright 7y ago
I've found that most people are friendly enough to engage in light conversation. I agree that going any deeper than that has become much more difficult due to people becoming used to the barriers social media provides. In my experience though, I have to be willing to be authentic, and in a way vulnerable, before anybody else will open up. That is the only way to create real relationships IMO.
_Understated_ 7y ago
> and will probably join the cohort that this study is looking at soon I can't claim to understand you fully and I hope to never be where you are but I have one true friend in this life. The kind that I'd take a bullet for. I'm 45. In your case I'd join a meetup. Something you are interested in. Anything you may even be remotely interested in. If you can't find one. Start one. There may be another "you" out there too. The fact you're here says you're a tech in some fashion so I'd bet there are meetups somewhere you could go nearby. I am not sure this message comes across well (and I apologise if it's preachy) but I read your message and thought I had to say something quickly. Try a meetup. You might just find that someone else at that meetup is the same. I hope to never find out you're one of these statistics.
- leggomylibro 7y ago
  I've tried a lot of meetups ranging from things like board games to hiking to organized sports, and while they're nice ways to find activities, in my experience most people show up in groups and it is vanishingly rare to see the same people more than a few times. Volunteering and local community events seem more promising, but they have the same general issue: at least in the past few years that I've been attending them in search of community, you rarely see the same people more than once or twice. Thanks for taking the time to offer advice, though.
  - _Understated_ 7y ago
    Then start your own meetup for people that just want to chat :) No agenda, just chatting to each other. I bet you'll be fighting them off... the thought that you would be oversubscribed is both great and slightly depressing at the same time. Ask at a local bar on a Tuesday night (or any other quiet night) if they can keep a section aside for you. They will jump at the chance of a few more patrons. Make it cheap, perhaps £1. Something that shows commitment but won't put people off. Make it a donation of £1 to your local Samaritans instead. I'll get off my soapbox now but this idea just jumped into my head :)
    - TurkishPoptart 7y ago
the_jeremy 7y ago
I facilitate local friendships. I organize group events, like indoor climbing, board games, group dinners, movies, etc. If you get people bringing friends of friends, you can get a larger group of people to draw on and it becomes lower effort and "whoever wants to come can join" and there's lower pressure on everyone. My girlfriend has movie watching nights / DnD nights over Discord to keep up with her friends from out-of-state. I've just accepted that the remote friends I really care about can keep in touch via email / text, and the others I can handle losing.
maemilius 7y ago
Personally, I think the idea of completely cutting off from social media isn't something that most people can (or even should) do. Rather, it's important to moderate your interaction with it. For example, while I've excised most social media from my life, I find Reddit to be generally positive so I keep it. Facebook, Twitter, etc. not so much, so I hardly go there. Now, am I missing out on things? Of course, but I've decided that, for me, those things aren't important enough to deal with the rest of what comes with them (privacy concerns wrt Facebook, for example). I also forbid social media on my phone - which can go a long way to breaking cycle of swiping/scrolling. I generally forbid myself from going on Reddit while at work, restricting myself to only Hacker News. For you, that calculus may be different. Maybe most of your friend group interacts via Facebook and that's what they're most comfortable with. In your case, it may be best to stick with Facebook to keep your social circle intact. You just have to moderate your usage. For example, maybe all you really need is Facebook Messenger, so you never actually have to go on Facebook proper. Avoid the parts that drag you down while keeping the parts that maintain your sanity. Maybe only have messenger on your phone so you're not tempted to go to the Facebook site. It's not easy, which is why a lot of people (myself included) choose to simply throw them away; it's not worth the trouble for us, but it may be for you.
- _Understated_ 7y ago
  >Personally, I think the idea of completely cutting off from social media isn't something that most people can (or even should) do Incoming anecdotes... I'm not so sure. I think the only solution is total cut-off. Remember that the goal of social media is to get you hopelessly addicted and to give away as much information as possible so that THEY can make vast sums of money off your content. They employ thousands of brilliant minds who's sole job is to break down your will power with dark patterns and deep psychological tricks to keep you clicking and scrolling. No one posts their fuckups, or their bad side, or the boring stuff like doing the ironing or cutting the grass or being stuck in traffic: the normal, everyday things. All you see is edited highlights. You only see aspirational things that most people will never achieve. That they haven't even achieved. In fact, I know a guy, a model, who has shunned social media now but still has friends on there who constantly lie and do stuff like buy a bunch of Calvin Klein clothes and pay for their own photoshoot with them wearing it saying things like "Big thanks to Calvin Klein for the gear" etc. It's utter bullshit from one end to the other. It's an addiction we have as a nation and the cure is abstinence. Edit: used the word "stuff" a bit much :)
14 7y ago
Maybe you could find some local groups that do things. My city their are walking groups, motorcycle riding groups, knitting/quilting groups, bowling teams, various other sports teams. There are countless volunteer options as well. I took up motorcycle riding this year and you meet people on the road at stops as you ride. It is very rewarding and there is a huge sense of comradery. Can I ask where about in the world are you located?
- leggomylibro 7y ago
  That's funny, I also took up motorcycling this year, and it does seem like the sort of people who frequent forests and camping areas are more friendly and outgoing than I'm used to. But it seems like a lot of that friendliness stems from the comfortable certainty that you'll never see each other again - it feels more like fleeting empathy than comradery. I appreciate having met most of the people who I see on the road, but it doesn't seem like a good way to make friends; I've never seen any of them a second time. I'm glad that it's working out for you, though. The best I can do for location is, "somewhere in the USA". It's gotten so bad that I recently gave up hope of ever finding a sense of acceptance or belonging, so I gave up on city life to explore national parks and forests. I might emigrate eventually, but I'm honestly hoping that I'll just die before I have to worry about a job or career again, and backcountry exploring is dangerous enough that I might get lucky. It's not that I think that running away from my problems will do anything to fix them, but given how impossible it is to meet people in cities, I figure that this is a more peaceful and calm way to wait for the same lonely death.
swebs 7y ago
>How do you keep in touch with people, then? I use Instagram. My entire feed is just my friends. No celebrities or corporations or anything. Also, nobody reposts political garbage, even though the very same people do on Facebook all the time. And I've yet to see a sponsored story. It's just my friends showing off what they're up to.

eric_b 7y ago

Well, I did most of my "meeting people" before I turned 30, when you have school and work pools to pull from. Now that I'm in my 30s I mostly just communicate with people I already know (though that is not strictly true, as I continue to meet new people all the time) I use text messages, phone calls and emails primarily. People I continue to keep in touch with are neighbors, family, high school buddies, college buddies, co-workers etc. And I meet new people at the gym, in local music meet ups, etc. I dunno where you live or who you're interacting with, but I have not had the experience you speak of.

leggomylibro 7y ago
Yeah - that's what I tend to hear from almost everyone. "I did all of my meeting people years ago." Well, I'm happy that that worked for you.
- jackbravo 7y ago
  I don't remember having met someone meaningful in my life over social media only. Unless you count instant messaging. Yes, the usual places are school, university and work. Church and other similar voluntary-non-religious activities are great too. I also used to attend open source conferences regulary and have several meaningful friends from those conferences, and we keep in touch mainly through instant messaging, not through facebook or instagram. Does that count?

smabie 7y ago

Go to clubs, do drugs, etc. i’ve met tons of people at festivals or clubs or whatever. Another option is to talk to homeless people, almost all of them love talking to people. Being treated like trash constantly creates a deep sense of isolation. Moreover, talking to homeless people is really interesting, I’ve learned a lot from them. Some of the most memorable and impactful conversations I’ve ever had has been with the homeless. Also, volunteering or even just hanging out at shelters has been very interesting.

abright 7y ago

I've found that most people are friendly enough to engage in light conversation. I agree that going any deeper than that has become much more difficult due to people becoming used to the barriers social media provides. In my experience though, I have to be willing to be authentic, and in a way vulnerable, before anybody else will open up. That is the only way to create real relationships IMO.

_Understated_ 7y ago

> and will probably join the cohort that this study is looking at soon I can't claim to understand you fully and I hope to never be where you are but I have one true friend in this life. The kind that I'd take a bullet for. I'm 45. In your case I'd join a meetup. Something you are interested in. Anything you may even be remotely interested in. If you can't find one. Start one. There may be another "you" out there too. The fact you're here says you're a tech in some fashion so I'd bet there are meetups somewhere you could go nearby. I am not sure this message comes across well (and I apologise if it's preachy) but I read your message and thought I had to say something quickly. Try a meetup. You might just find that someone else at that meetup is the same. I hope to never find out you're one of these statistics.

leggomylibro 7y ago
I've tried a lot of meetups ranging from things like board games to hiking to organized sports, and while they're nice ways to find activities, in my experience most people show up in groups and it is vanishingly rare to see the same people more than a few times. Volunteering and local community events seem more promising, but they have the same general issue: at least in the past few years that I've been attending them in search of community, you rarely see the same people more than once or twice. Thanks for taking the time to offer advice, though.
- _Understated_ 7y ago
  Then start your own meetup for people that just want to chat :) No agenda, just chatting to each other. I bet you'll be fighting them off... the thought that you would be oversubscribed is both great and slightly depressing at the same time. Ask at a local bar on a Tuesday night (or any other quiet night) if they can keep a section aside for you. They will jump at the chance of a few more patrons. Make it cheap, perhaps £1. Something that shows commitment but won't put people off. Make it a donation of £1 to your local Samaritans instead. I'll get off my soapbox now but this idea just jumped into my head :)
  - TurkishPoptart 7y ago

the_jeremy 7y ago

I facilitate local friendships. I organize group events, like indoor climbing, board games, group dinners, movies, etc. If you get people bringing friends of friends, you can get a larger group of people to draw on and it becomes lower effort and "whoever wants to come can join" and there's lower pressure on everyone. My girlfriend has movie watching nights / DnD nights over Discord to keep up with her friends from out-of-state. I've just accepted that the remote friends I really care about can keep in touch via email / text, and the others I can handle losing.

maemilius 7y ago

Personally, I think the idea of completely cutting off from social media isn't something that most people can (or even should) do. Rather, it's important to moderate your interaction with it. For example, while I've excised most social media from my life, I find Reddit to be generally positive so I keep it. Facebook, Twitter, etc. not so much, so I hardly go there. Now, am I missing out on things? Of course, but I've decided that, for me, those things aren't important enough to deal with the rest of what comes with them (privacy concerns wrt Facebook, for example). I also forbid social media on my phone - which can go a long way to breaking cycle of swiping/scrolling. I generally forbid myself from going on Reddit while at work, restricting myself to only Hacker News. For you, that calculus may be different. Maybe most of your friend group interacts via Facebook and that's what they're most comfortable with. In your case, it may be best to stick with Facebook to keep your social circle intact. You just have to moderate your usage. For example, maybe all you really need is Facebook Messenger, so you never actually have to go on Facebook proper. Avoid the parts that drag you down while keeping the parts that maintain your sanity. Maybe only have messenger on your phone so you're not tempted to go to the Facebook site. It's not easy, which is why a lot of people (myself included) choose to simply throw them away; it's not worth the trouble for us, but it may be for you.

_Understated_ 7y ago
>Personally, I think the idea of completely cutting off from social media isn't something that most people can (or even should) do Incoming anecdotes... I'm not so sure. I think the only solution is total cut-off. Remember that the goal of social media is to get you hopelessly addicted and to give away as much information as possible so that THEY can make vast sums of money off your content. They employ thousands of brilliant minds who's sole job is to break down your will power with dark patterns and deep psychological tricks to keep you clicking and scrolling. No one posts their fuckups, or their bad side, or the boring stuff like doing the ironing or cutting the grass or being stuck in traffic: the normal, everyday things. All you see is edited highlights. You only see aspirational things that most people will never achieve. That they haven't even achieved. In fact, I know a guy, a model, who has shunned social media now but still has friends on there who constantly lie and do stuff like buy a bunch of Calvin Klein clothes and pay for their own photoshoot with them wearing it saying things like "Big thanks to Calvin Klein for the gear" etc. It's utter bullshit from one end to the other. It's an addiction we have as a nation and the cure is abstinence. Edit: used the word "stuff" a bit much :)

14 7y ago

Maybe you could find some local groups that do things. My city their are walking groups, motorcycle riding groups, knitting/quilting groups, bowling teams, various other sports teams. There are countless volunteer options as well. I took up motorcycle riding this year and you meet people on the road at stops as you ride. It is very rewarding and there is a huge sense of comradery. Can I ask where about in the world are you located?

leggomylibro 7y ago
That's funny, I also took up motorcycling this year, and it does seem like the sort of people who frequent forests and camping areas are more friendly and outgoing than I'm used to. But it seems like a lot of that friendliness stems from the comfortable certainty that you'll never see each other again - it feels more like fleeting empathy than comradery. I appreciate having met most of the people who I see on the road, but it doesn't seem like a good way to make friends; I've never seen any of them a second time. I'm glad that it's working out for you, though. The best I can do for location is, "somewhere in the USA". It's gotten so bad that I recently gave up hope of ever finding a sense of acceptance or belonging, so I gave up on city life to explore national parks and forests. I might emigrate eventually, but I'm honestly hoping that I'll just die before I have to worry about a job or career again, and backcountry exploring is dangerous enough that I might get lucky. It's not that I think that running away from my problems will do anything to fix them, but given how impossible it is to meet people in cities, I figure that this is a more peaceful and calm way to wait for the same lonely death.

swebs 7y ago

>How do you keep in touch with people, then? I use Instagram. My entire feed is just my friends. No celebrities or corporations or anything. Also, nobody reposts political garbage, even though the very same people do on Facebook all the time. And I've yet to see a sponsored story. It's just my friends showing off what they're up to.