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> It’s soul-crushing to spend every day of your life making bets you know you’re going to lose, but the alternatives are giving up or becoming a monster. I've

> It’s soul-crushing to spend every day of your life making bets you know you’re going to lose, but the alternatives are giving up or becoming a monster. I've never used dating apps, but I would assume it attracts a certain type of people, which this author seems to be complaining about. Why not try a sport or hobby to meet people?

metalliqaz 7y ago
I dunno 'bout you, but I'm a dude, and sports/hobbies would just be a way for me to meet other dudes. (even assuming I had outgoing social skills) This kind of advice can be so frustrating to receive. Like when other women (often old enough to be my mother) suggest meeting females at the supermarket. Like, what? Nobody wants to be bothered while they are grocery shopping. This could only work for the top 1% of extremely attractive guys. The "just meet people" or "just talk to her" narrative doesn't work in modern life. Everyone is walking around with headphones on and their noses pointing at a screen. Nobody wants to talk to you. Especially in a romantic context. On dating apps, there is an implicit romantic intention, so at least a guy is free to flirt and hit on girls in that context. In other contexts, he has to worry about attention being interpreted as harassment, on top of the risk of rejection.
- everdrive 7y ago
  > Nobody wants to be bothered while they are grocery shopping. They do if they find the guy attractive, though. The trick is you don't get to know beforehand. You have to take the risk, and the rewards, or (more often) the failure.
- base698 7y ago
  At times as a 20 year old I would try the bars and parties approach and had limited success. In my hobbies, also male dominated (75/25) M/F ratio I'd easily find girlfriends. I always felt when I was younger that I should be able to meet people "normally" without that as a crutch. Alas, I'm about 10 years married, from someone I met in my hobbies. Most male dominated things have participants and/or groupies--even something obscure. If your hobbies have zero women, maybe find another one or focus more on one that has something.
- tim333 7y ago
  Rather than sports etc I find general non dating social events of the type women might go to quite good. Arts/movie meetups. Even tech events sometimes though they tend to 90% male. Trouble with dating apps and single events is everyone is kind of shopping around for the best match available which can be problematic if you are average. Normal social events you don't get that so much.
- mcv 7y ago
  > "The "just meet people" or "just talk to her" narrative doesn't work in modern life. Everyone is walking around with headphones on and their noses pointing at a screen. Nobody wants to talk to you." But that's exactly why hobbies are so great. You get to meet people you already share a common interest with. They may want to talk to you about that common interest. While talking, you could discover you have more in common and just like talking to each other in general. And then you make a date to talk with just the two of you. > " On dating apps, there is an implicit romantic intention, so at least a guy is free to flirt and hit on girls in that context. In other contexts, he has to worry about attention being interpreted as harassment, on top of the risk of rejection." That's true, but when that's not working, it's time to try something else. There's no single solution for everybody.
  - metalliqaz 7y ago
    But how do hobbies help tho? Lets say I wanted to improve myself, leave my introverted hobbies behind and do something more social with my time. You still need to create relationships with people in order to be invited to do those hobbies together. I should add that I am actually married, even though I've never once in my life ever hit on a woman. I got snatched up entirely by accident. So I've grappled with these issues but they aren't relevant to me anymore.
    - mcv 7y ago
      You can go to meetups or join a club. Or join an online forum and agree to meet with people there. But even introverted hobbies can be done together. Roleplaying is popular with introverts yet done in a group.
lagadu 7y ago
Pretty much my first impression: in my experience dating apps tend to yield only ONSs at best but meeting people who I share an hobby with tends to make for significantly longer-lasting relationships. > if I don’t get an extremely clear indication of interest, I try not to show any myself. Plus this is just flat-out wrong: People can't read your mind, if you're interested make it known; it's not even weird, it's how society expects you to behave.
xkcd-sucks 7y ago
If you are a lonely misanthrope looking to meet other lonely misanthropes -- They are probably on the internet too. More generally, people like you are more likely to be close to you. The anthropic principle of dating. However, getting out and playing beerleague softball might make you a more attractive person along with expanding your mate pool
harimau777 7y ago
At least for me, the issue is that my hobbies (i.e. martial arts) are extremely male dominated.

metalliqaz 7y ago

I dunno 'bout you, but I'm a dude, and sports/hobbies would just be a way for me to meet other dudes. (even assuming I had outgoing social skills) This kind of advice can be so frustrating to receive. Like when other women (often old enough to be my mother) suggest meeting females at the supermarket. Like, what? Nobody wants to be bothered while they are grocery shopping. This could only work for the top 1% of extremely attractive guys. The "just meet people" or "just talk to her" narrative doesn't work in modern life. Everyone is walking around with headphones on and their noses pointing at a screen. Nobody wants to talk to you. Especially in a romantic context. On dating apps, there is an implicit romantic intention, so at least a guy is free to flirt and hit on girls in that context. In other contexts, he has to worry about attention being interpreted as harassment, on top of the risk of rejection.

everdrive 7y ago
> Nobody wants to be bothered while they are grocery shopping. They do if they find the guy attractive, though. The trick is you don't get to know beforehand. You have to take the risk, and the rewards, or (more often) the failure.
base698 7y ago
At times as a 20 year old I would try the bars and parties approach and had limited success. In my hobbies, also male dominated (75/25) M/F ratio I'd easily find girlfriends. I always felt when I was younger that I should be able to meet people "normally" without that as a crutch. Alas, I'm about 10 years married, from someone I met in my hobbies. Most male dominated things have participants and/or groupies--even something obscure. If your hobbies have zero women, maybe find another one or focus more on one that has something.
tim333 7y ago
Rather than sports etc I find general non dating social events of the type women might go to quite good. Arts/movie meetups. Even tech events sometimes though they tend to 90% male. Trouble with dating apps and single events is everyone is kind of shopping around for the best match available which can be problematic if you are average. Normal social events you don't get that so much.
mcv 7y ago
> "The "just meet people" or "just talk to her" narrative doesn't work in modern life. Everyone is walking around with headphones on and their noses pointing at a screen. Nobody wants to talk to you." But that's exactly why hobbies are so great. You get to meet people you already share a common interest with. They may want to talk to you about that common interest. While talking, you could discover you have more in common and just like talking to each other in general. And then you make a date to talk with just the two of you. > " On dating apps, there is an implicit romantic intention, so at least a guy is free to flirt and hit on girls in that context. In other contexts, he has to worry about attention being interpreted as harassment, on top of the risk of rejection." That's true, but when that's not working, it's time to try something else. There's no single solution for everybody.
- metalliqaz 7y ago
  But how do hobbies help tho? Lets say I wanted to improve myself, leave my introverted hobbies behind and do something more social with my time. You still need to create relationships with people in order to be invited to do those hobbies together. I should add that I am actually married, even though I've never once in my life ever hit on a woman. I got snatched up entirely by accident. So I've grappled with these issues but they aren't relevant to me anymore.
  - mcv 7y ago
    You can go to meetups or join a club. Or join an online forum and agree to meet with people there. But even introverted hobbies can be done together. Roleplaying is popular with introverts yet done in a group.

lagadu 7y ago

Pretty much my first impression: in my experience dating apps tend to yield only ONSs at best but meeting people who I share an hobby with tends to make for significantly longer-lasting relationships. > if I don’t get an extremely clear indication of interest, I try not to show any myself. Plus this is just flat-out wrong: People can't read your mind, if you're interested make it known; it's not even weird, it's how society expects you to behave.

xkcd-sucks 7y ago

If you are a lonely misanthrope looking to meet other lonely misanthropes -- They are probably on the internet too. More generally, people like you are more likely to be close to you. The anthropic principle of dating. However, getting out and playing beerleague softball might make you a more attractive person along with expanding your mate pool

harimau777 7y ago

At least for me, the issue is that my hobbies (i.e. martial arts) are extremely male dominated.