5 ms·

I feel like the decision is very different if you’re gay (speaking as a gay male). Urban centers are pretty much the only places with gay culture, and the idea

I feel like the decision is very different if you’re gay (speaking as a gay male). Urban centers are pretty much the only places with gay culture, and the idea of moving outside of one of those centers is hard to imagine. It’s tough because I also want the lower cost of living of living away from SF/LA/NY but feel like it would be especially lonely to move to a small or even mid-sized city that has a small or non-existent gay scene.

jimmaswell 7y ago
There are gay people everywhere, you might just have to use a dating app or something. There are also lots of smaller towns with a progressive atmosphere like New Paltz, New York for one specific example I'm aware of. It's not the wasteland out there beyond the city limits you might think it is.
- ixtli 7y ago
  It's not so much that there aren't gays in those places its about whether or not someone is in a place in their life where they want to be a "trailblazing gay," ya know? The guy that cuts my hair was in Bend, Oregon in a nice store and got called a 'faggot' a month or so ago. There are definitely gay people and maybe even a community in Bend, but those types of things just don't happen in that way in NYC and when they do you can expect passersby to be absolutely reviled.
  - MiroF 7y ago
    absolutely. i can't imagine someone dropping the f*g slur in a store in a core urban center and not being called on it almost immediately.
- deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
onlyrealcuzzo 7y ago
I think this is the same for any community: Jews, Armenians, Female Body Builders, etc... It's part of the benefit of a big city. By virtue of being big, there's bound to be people like you.
- undefined3840 7y ago
  Well unsure about other minority groups but at least with LBGT communities the biggest are specifically in urban coastal cities. San Francisco is smaller than, say, San Antonio or Columbus but obviously has a much higher % of LGBT residents and more gay culture.
  - onlyrealcuzzo 7y ago
    I mean, I know Jews and most Asian nationalities have a bigger representation in cities than in small towns. Like the LGBT community, usually the bigger the city, the bigger the difference in representation. I can only assume this is for similar reasons. People like to be around similar people.
  - mariojv 7y ago
    Gay guy here in San Antonio who has lived in the Bay Area, thought I would chime in with my perspective since you mentioned the city. There is definitely more gay culture in SF/large coastal cities, but I don't think it's as desolate as one may think. There are for sure way fewer bars, but the few that are here are always packed on weekends. The scene is also less centralized, so I don't think I meet as many LGBTQ people randomly as I would in say SF. On the other hand, I would say that a good percentage of my friends are LGBTQ. I also my met my husband here, gone to our Pride events many times, have seen a bunch of live drag, and generally feel comfortable being out. If someone's thinking of moving to a smaller city and the perceived lack of gay culture was the only thing holding them back, I would say just go for it.
  - eli_gottlieb 7y ago
    Jew here (oh boy that sounds funny). While I can, sort of, voluntarily "factor out" the possibility that if I live far away from the centroids of the Jewish community, I might be spat at or beaten up in the street for being Jewish - that happens in Brooklyn or LA anyway these days - the thing is, I grew up in dense, highly urbanized/suburbanized parts of the country. I'm miserable when I live "five miles from everywhere", even in relatively "accessible" inner-ring suburbs. (An actually rural area along the lines of my old college town is another matter. Driving half an hour on freeways to get "anywhere" is intolerable in a way that bicycling through Nature for half an hour is not.) So yeah, between one thing and another, there would need to be a pretty strong incentive for me to ever move to "the burbs" or "the middle". Give me a city, give me a village or kibbutz, but don't give me that rubbish people put in the middle!
asdf21 7y ago
Do you really not realize how many cities there are (for instance, Columbus Ohio) that have a large gay scene, yet a low cost of living?
sudosteph 7y ago
This is the main reason one of my friends says he's thinking about moving from Raleigh to SF. He told me that he mostly loves the triangle area, and there's lots of culture in the sense that there are constant events happening and multiple bars and dance venues that cater to the LGBT community. But he also says that after a few years of dating, he's pretty much exhausted the local pool of guys on grindr. That said, he makes great money and pays so little to live here it's not an easy switch to make. For a while, his strategy was to use the extra discretionary money to travel more and maybe meet people that way. But he's always talking about how great it must be to live in "gay mecca", so I think he'll probably make the move eventually. Even if is just a "grass is greener" thing, I definitely understand the appeal.
Aloha 7y ago
As another gay male, there is a point where you age out of the club scene, and would prefer a private night at home, even if its at home alone.
bane 7y ago
Not gay, but my wife is Korean and we currently live in an area with a very large Korean population. It means a substantial diversity of friendly culture and services that she can take advantage of that only really exist in a handful of other places in the world outside of her home country. It's had a major impact on our life choices and decisions about where to live and eventually retire.
cirgue 7y ago
Come to Atlanta. We have A super diverse gay culture and low cost of living.
- rjbwork 7y ago
  Yup. 10th and Piedmont is the gayest place within 600 miles.
  - selimthegrim 7y ago
    Café Lafitte in Exile and the 700 Club in the French Quarter would like a word.
    - rjbwork 7y ago
      Maybe, but Atlanta is just a much bigger population center.
colordrops 7y ago
Is that still true if you settled down with a partner? Perhaps I don't have perspective as a straight male, but now that I'm married I couldn't care less if the people that surround me are gay or straight.
- mepiethree 7y ago
  In a lot of the counties mentioned in the article, people still care quite a bit if you are gay, unfortunately
rc_hadoken 7y ago
Lol also as a person of color (i.e black) that is an immigrant. When i see the whole --I moved to a small city town/the country/small city -- I tend to assume the persons race. Not a bad thing but they say it like the shoe fits everyone. I also like how new ideas come to the big city faster--

jimmaswell 7y ago

There are gay people everywhere, you might just have to use a dating app or something. There are also lots of smaller towns with a progressive atmosphere like New Paltz, New York for one specific example I'm aware of. It's not the wasteland out there beyond the city limits you might think it is.

ixtli 7y ago
It's not so much that there aren't gays in those places its about whether or not someone is in a place in their life where they want to be a "trailblazing gay," ya know? The guy that cuts my hair was in Bend, Oregon in a nice store and got called a 'faggot' a month or so ago. There are definitely gay people and maybe even a community in Bend, but those types of things just don't happen in that way in NYC and when they do you can expect passersby to be absolutely reviled.
- MiroF 7y ago
  absolutely. i can't imagine someone dropping the f*g slur in a store in a core urban center and not being called on it almost immediately.
deleted 7y ago
[deleted]

onlyrealcuzzo 7y ago

I think this is the same for any community: Jews, Armenians, Female Body Builders, etc... It's part of the benefit of a big city. By virtue of being big, there's bound to be people like you.

undefined3840 7y ago
Well unsure about other minority groups but at least with LBGT communities the biggest are specifically in urban coastal cities. San Francisco is smaller than, say, San Antonio or Columbus but obviously has a much higher % of LGBT residents and more gay culture.
- onlyrealcuzzo 7y ago
  I mean, I know Jews and most Asian nationalities have a bigger representation in cities than in small towns. Like the LGBT community, usually the bigger the city, the bigger the difference in representation. I can only assume this is for similar reasons. People like to be around similar people.
- mariojv 7y ago
  Gay guy here in San Antonio who has lived in the Bay Area, thought I would chime in with my perspective since you mentioned the city. There is definitely more gay culture in SF/large coastal cities, but I don't think it's as desolate as one may think. There are for sure way fewer bars, but the few that are here are always packed on weekends. The scene is also less centralized, so I don't think I meet as many LGBTQ people randomly as I would in say SF. On the other hand, I would say that a good percentage of my friends are LGBTQ. I also my met my husband here, gone to our Pride events many times, have seen a bunch of live drag, and generally feel comfortable being out. If someone's thinking of moving to a smaller city and the perceived lack of gay culture was the only thing holding them back, I would say just go for it.
- eli_gottlieb 7y ago
  Jew here (oh boy that sounds funny). While I can, sort of, voluntarily "factor out" the possibility that if I live far away from the centroids of the Jewish community, I might be spat at or beaten up in the street for being Jewish - that happens in Brooklyn or LA anyway these days - the thing is, I grew up in dense, highly urbanized/suburbanized parts of the country. I'm miserable when I live "five miles from everywhere", even in relatively "accessible" inner-ring suburbs. (An actually rural area along the lines of my old college town is another matter. Driving half an hour on freeways to get "anywhere" is intolerable in a way that bicycling through Nature for half an hour is not.) So yeah, between one thing and another, there would need to be a pretty strong incentive for me to ever move to "the burbs" or "the middle". Give me a city, give me a village or kibbutz, but don't give me that rubbish people put in the middle!

asdf21 7y ago

Do you really not realize how many cities there are (for instance, Columbus Ohio) that have a large gay scene, yet a low cost of living?

sudosteph 7y ago

This is the main reason one of my friends says he's thinking about moving from Raleigh to SF. He told me that he mostly loves the triangle area, and there's lots of culture in the sense that there are constant events happening and multiple bars and dance venues that cater to the LGBT community. But he also says that after a few years of dating, he's pretty much exhausted the local pool of guys on grindr. That said, he makes great money and pays so little to live here it's not an easy switch to make. For a while, his strategy was to use the extra discretionary money to travel more and maybe meet people that way. But he's always talking about how great it must be to live in "gay mecca", so I think he'll probably make the move eventually. Even if is just a "grass is greener" thing, I definitely understand the appeal.

Aloha 7y ago

As another gay male, there is a point where you age out of the club scene, and would prefer a private night at home, even if its at home alone.

bane 7y ago

Not gay, but my wife is Korean and we currently live in an area with a very large Korean population. It means a substantial diversity of friendly culture and services that she can take advantage of that only really exist in a handful of other places in the world outside of her home country. It's had a major impact on our life choices and decisions about where to live and eventually retire.

cirgue 7y ago

Come to Atlanta. We have A super diverse gay culture and low cost of living.

rjbwork 7y ago
Yup. 10th and Piedmont is the gayest place within 600 miles.
- selimthegrim 7y ago
  Café Lafitte in Exile and the 700 Club in the French Quarter would like a word.
  - rjbwork 7y ago
    Maybe, but Atlanta is just a much bigger population center.

colordrops 7y ago

Is that still true if you settled down with a partner? Perhaps I don't have perspective as a straight male, but now that I'm married I couldn't care less if the people that surround me are gay or straight.

mepiethree 7y ago
In a lot of the counties mentioned in the article, people still care quite a bit if you are gay, unfortunately

rc_hadoken 7y ago

Lol also as a person of color (i.e black) that is an immigrant. When i see the whole --I moved to a small city town/the country/small city -- I tend to assume the persons race. Not a bad thing but they say it like the shoe fits everyone. I also like how new ideas come to the big city faster--